So...

Where should I start.

I am not sure if I belong with QYN any more. Things have taken place that have threatened that "safe space" for me. As well as the facebook group. I loved the group chats and things, but while others who have issues with me are about then I know that I cannot be part of them.

You work so hard to improve your life and such and then things rear their ugly heads.

I have a limited social life as it is. But sooner or later I am going to have to back off from the Queer part of it. I have tried hard to get on with and get to know the people I have had problems with before. And it kind of works. But there is always someone.

I can't keep running from them all, I try my best to ignore them and all that, but I am growing tired. All that is left is to cut them out. And then move on completely.

When did life get so complicated?

I think I may have to go to the Wargames club next Tuesday.
Could do with a break from stuff.

A steampunk based RPG...

I am sending this out to see if you would like to join me in playing an online Role Playing Game. Based at the turn of the 1900, the end of the long Victorian period.
In a world of exploration, steam and new science.

A world like ours but very different.
A world were we need to decide if we are part of two fractions (so we can build the world around it!)

So firstly we will start with whether or not we are part of the Evolutionist or the Machinists.

The Evolutionists are to be blunt people who us mutated animals in place of machines. Everything could be bred to suit a purpose.

The Machinists as you may have guessed use Steampowered technology, using giant walking death machines and cold brass and steel.

Secondly
Well we need a captain,
I am taking Engineer (mainly as I am building the forum lol)
Gabrielle will be the helmsman.
A navigator
and a quartermaster.

Then we may need some Midshipmen etc But that depends on the amount of people who want to take place.

Finally there is going to be some kind Sherlock Holmes style adventure to follow in this world we shall create.

Thank you people
Terran

Some good stuff.

So I am being checked for a place at Uni, I have been applying for Apprenticeships and many others things of late.

I am kind of enjoying life a little if I am honest :)

Maybe that is the sunlight maybe.

Who knows :)

Concentration doesn't seem good but oh well :)

Life the glamour, the gits and the struggles

I am needing an out let.

The last few months (since I moved to Rushden) have been odd and sometimes rather complex.

I have managed to lose friends, and the ones I have I don't get to see enough of.

I guess it all started back in March. I got a stream of Text messages from some I will refer to as X. Basically X decided I spent way to much time (I mean 3 nights and upto 5 days!) with Sarah my girl friend. They also indicated that "others" felt the same but refused to say who they were. X told me that I had to make a choice between Sarah or my friends. Now I got angry and told them they had no place to tell me who I couldn't or could be friends with, or how much time I spend with my partner, as it was none of their (collective) business and if they didn't like it then they had best to leave and not consider me their friend. X spun a tale, about how hurt they were and all that etc, and I forgave them. Things carried on as normal.

Then yesterday they tried something else, and are now pinning their issues on me.

I do wonder sometimes why I even do try to have friends and the like, so many of them are so unpleasant in the end of times. I can read people, but I never seem to understand them until too late. Then the damage is done.

Bah!

I am who I am if you really do not like that, or me, then PLEASE just say good bye, and leave for good. That is all I ask, I no longer care for the insolence and petty attitudes of others, people just hurt and then hurt me some more, it is true that you can't ever escape bullies, they keep coming back to get you in one form or another. And maybe it is horrid to say it, but Mum said this kind of behaviour is typical amongst XX individuals. Maybe she is right. I have never had issues like this with XY people. Seems to be a little too much of a coincidence right now.

I could post this somewhere else, but I am not going to, I needed to get it off my chest and not have people tell me either "I am staying Neutral, I am not getting involved etc". I never said to pick a side, and you damn well know I wouldn't ask/expect anyone to pick mine. I would do what I do best, push you all away and go back to hiding. But no, I am standing here and saying what I want in a place that is safe to me. I am voicing MY feelings, because if I did say them anywhere else, or to anyone then I know people would make me out to be the bad guy, because that is the glamorous story of me and my life.

I am not someone who you can kick around, pick and choose when you want me as a friend. I shouldn't be made to feel like I have been wounded and to wander down dark corridors and feel really ill. No one has that right.

2010 is about done.

So this year has been a bitch.
It has been hard and has been very tough. But I have survived it. And I will keep on surviving.

I have been through hell.
I have dealt with things that most people should never deal with. I have lost people that I liked a lot as friends. And I have cried and screamed with a bit of frustration.

But there have been some amazing bits too.
I have met some amazing people. I have built some strong friendships. And I have fallen in love too.

I have grown I think as a person. I have not so much changed, as settled down and evolved a bit. I am making an effort to be a bigger, better, more stable person. Friendlier and more accepting of others and their ways of being.

I have begun to make heads and tails of transitioning. I have started on that journey and I know I have a long way to go yet but I am confident by this time next year I will be in a good place.

So what would I like to do with my new year?
I would like to spend more time with my friends (framily matter) and have some interesting days out with them.
I would like to go on holiday with Sarah, somewhere nice,with historic things so we can picnic.
I would like to complete some armies and play in a mega battle.
I would like to begin to learn to drive.
Get to uni and do Nursing.

So that is my year, at least for now.

Happy New Year!

People. Trans stuff and Love.

So I believe that I am the only other member of the trans collab channel other than Karl who has met the other members too.

This of course takes me to TDoR. It might have been brief but I met the London Collabers. Jamie, who is rather charming and pretty fantastic (darling!). Jenn who is quite beautiful, shame I didn't get to talk to you much. And Avery who it was something of a brief encounter with, but was polite and I get the impression all 3 of them are decent people. And it was nice to actually meet them in person. It is strange how your presumptions and views can be massively altered by meeting someone in person. I guess when Jamie first asked me to be part of the collab I was a little concerned that I would be rejected or whatever. And I guess the worry kind of kept me back a step or two. But meeting one person from above and even just exchanging pleasantries with them, to me felt like a massive step in a better direction.

I guess TDoR was an important thing to experience for several reasons. But I don't want to focus on the negatives as such. I think the positives, of fighting for our existence and place in life is important. To remember that it is lucky when we don't lose a friend and to remember and morn the ones we unfortunately have lost. Mind it shocked me on the amount of people I was informed where female presenting. And how many fell close to my age. It was scary if I am honest.

As I have already mentioned elsewhere Yesterday I went to my second Gender Clinic Appointment. It was with the second Psychiatrist and was very different from the first. Not so perverse for one! And the appointment was more focused on me as a person, and how I viewed myself etc rather than how and what I thought it was that made me trans. It was intense in a very positive way, even if I got the impression that some of my answers were a little surprising. Mainly when he asked about what I wanted from the Clinic. I told him for me, I needed to learn how to pass and access voice coaching as that was the priority right now. I got the impression he seemed a little surprised that I didn't go HORMONES!!!!

I want to end this by saying I feel like I am one of the luckiest people ever.
I have wonderful friends.
I have a good future on its way.
And the most amazing Girlfriend I could ever dream of.

Bonds, links and connections.

So I was going to blog this on QYN.
But alas the site is not working.

So I have been a bit scattered with things of late.
Since my first appoint with Notts Gender Clinic.

I have been up and down of late, drifting from things to things. I started to date someone in October but it never really worked out. I guess I needed to be in a relationship for the wrong reasons. I guess I had become needy of attention and affection. But being told that someone did like you that way and only said yes, for a reason that felt like pity. I know there were others, but that is what it felt like.

It hit me rather hard and I fell into a slump.

But there has been a girl I have know, and kind of paid attention to her for awhile. Her name is Sarah. I found her interesting and wonderful. But I feared to even say it when I first thought it, a few months back. But I took a risk last Thursday. I started talking to her. And I am very happy with what I have seen and noticed about her. She is fantastic.

I feel like I can trust her with stuff, and she is the same with me. We clicked because there are things very similar about us. She is quirky, funny, geeky, cute (and squeals a lot xD), passionate and so loving. I am excited to meet her. So excited.

This weekend is Transgender Day of Remembrance, Saturday 20th November. I am heading off to London via Northampton. Staying with one of my best friends on Earth for the weekend. And then donning the smart clothes and heading into London on the Saturday. Also the day I will meet Sarah in person. I think the reason for TDoR is incredibly important, remembering those TG people who have fallen or been taken. But also to remind us why we need to keep going forward and fighting to be the people we need to be. And never to give in to anything.

For me, I came out and nearly took that path of self destruction.

I guess things are kind of falling together and paths are all linked it seems. Maybe something is directing the decisions we make. Maybe now after trying hard to improve myself for so long as paid off. I am sorry for the people I have hurt along the way. I wish I knew how to make it up to you. But in the last year I have been through so much and many changes. I have experienced chaos and heart-brake and despair. There have been some great bits too don't get me wrong. But I have gotten scared and I have run from them. But I don't want to run any more.

I want to stand and experience the good things for once.