People. Trans stuff and Love.

So I believe that I am the only other member of the trans collab channel other than Karl who has met the other members too.

This of course takes me to TDoR. It might have been brief but I met the London Collabers. Jamie, who is rather charming and pretty fantastic (darling!). Jenn who is quite beautiful, shame I didn't get to talk to you much. And Avery who it was something of a brief encounter with, but was polite and I get the impression all 3 of them are decent people. And it was nice to actually meet them in person. It is strange how your presumptions and views can be massively altered by meeting someone in person. I guess when Jamie first asked me to be part of the collab I was a little concerned that I would be rejected or whatever. And I guess the worry kind of kept me back a step or two. But meeting one person from above and even just exchanging pleasantries with them, to me felt like a massive step in a better direction.

I guess TDoR was an important thing to experience for several reasons. But I don't want to focus on the negatives as such. I think the positives, of fighting for our existence and place in life is important. To remember that it is lucky when we don't lose a friend and to remember and morn the ones we unfortunately have lost. Mind it shocked me on the amount of people I was informed where female presenting. And how many fell close to my age. It was scary if I am honest.

As I have already mentioned elsewhere Yesterday I went to my second Gender Clinic Appointment. It was with the second Psychiatrist and was very different from the first. Not so perverse for one! And the appointment was more focused on me as a person, and how I viewed myself etc rather than how and what I thought it was that made me trans. It was intense in a very positive way, even if I got the impression that some of my answers were a little surprising. Mainly when he asked about what I wanted from the Clinic. I told him for me, I needed to learn how to pass and access voice coaching as that was the priority right now. I got the impression he seemed a little surprised that I didn't go HORMONES!!!!

I want to end this by saying I feel like I am one of the luckiest people ever.
I have wonderful friends.
I have a good future on its way.
And the most amazing Girlfriend I could ever dream of.

Bonds, links and connections.

So I was going to blog this on QYN.
But alas the site is not working.

So I have been a bit scattered with things of late.
Since my first appoint with Notts Gender Clinic.

I have been up and down of late, drifting from things to things. I started to date someone in October but it never really worked out. I guess I needed to be in a relationship for the wrong reasons. I guess I had become needy of attention and affection. But being told that someone did like you that way and only said yes, for a reason that felt like pity. I know there were others, but that is what it felt like.

It hit me rather hard and I fell into a slump.

But there has been a girl I have know, and kind of paid attention to her for awhile. Her name is Sarah. I found her interesting and wonderful. But I feared to even say it when I first thought it, a few months back. But I took a risk last Thursday. I started talking to her. And I am very happy with what I have seen and noticed about her. She is fantastic.

I feel like I can trust her with stuff, and she is the same with me. We clicked because there are things very similar about us. She is quirky, funny, geeky, cute (and squeals a lot xD), passionate and so loving. I am excited to meet her. So excited.

This weekend is Transgender Day of Remembrance, Saturday 20th November. I am heading off to London via Northampton. Staying with one of my best friends on Earth for the weekend. And then donning the smart clothes and heading into London on the Saturday. Also the day I will meet Sarah in person. I think the reason for TDoR is incredibly important, remembering those TG people who have fallen or been taken. But also to remind us why we need to keep going forward and fighting to be the people we need to be. And never to give in to anything.

For me, I came out and nearly took that path of self destruction.

I guess things are kind of falling together and paths are all linked it seems. Maybe something is directing the decisions we make. Maybe now after trying hard to improve myself for so long as paid off. I am sorry for the people I have hurt along the way. I wish I knew how to make it up to you. But in the last year I have been through so much and many changes. I have experienced chaos and heart-brake and despair. There have been some great bits too don't get me wrong. But I have gotten scared and I have run from them. But I don't want to run any more.

I want to stand and experience the good things for once.

SAD and things

So I am back to feeling like crap again.

The weather has turned nasty today, and I can't shake the dullness that has settled in.
I am back on the Anti-Depressants but they are doing little for this, to me indicating that it is environmental not psychological depression.

Bleh!

I Hate Wigan. I hate the fact that this area is so grey. So cold. So nasty. It is not a nice place to live, and when you have two types of depression going on, one being SAD it really isn't the right place to live!

I am and I know I am growing distant a lot recently. I don't want to talk to people much, or leave the house or things. I just want to sit alone. Meh!

I don't know really any more. I have never been emotional, I have never been proactive and stuff. But I have always been a passion driven person. It is how I get through stuff and survive. But that passion, and the interest and stuff that does drive me, seems to have reached a dead end. A point or a place where I am stuck in the mud.

This may be linked to the depression.

But I think there is a simpler answer. I think that since Jan/Feb I have been unemployed and for the first time out of education. I think this is what is now starting to crush me. I keep sending out CVs and filling out application forms. Then chasing them up and seeing were I am. But getting no where at all ever. I have had one interview, one interview were I was rejected as I am not a cis-female.

I guess there are two main issues in my life. One being the issues I have with depression the other being the Fact that I am so utterly bored of being on benefits. I want a job. I need one.