Void, again.

Losing something you care about is so bloody hard.

In the last few years I have lost one of my most important friends, my Gran and tonight my cat.

Yet grief makes me feel so bloody strange.
Blank.
Loveless.
Lost.

I need to be alone yet wish I could just climb into the arms of someone I love. I can't even managed to do that, because the ones I love live miles away. It isn't there fault but I have very few people I am that close to here in Wigan. Even in this house.

I am not good when it comes to having emotional outlets or displays. I never have been. I am not comfortable showing any vulnerabilities with anyone. Few have seen me like that. And fewer I would go to to brake down on.

The only outlet is this very medium, blogging. Because I don't need to see what people have to say to me, but I need to know that someone has indeed looked and read. If that makes any sense. Probably doesn't, but I find it hard to open up to people and talk to them, in person or online. I can talk about how I have felt in the past, but I cannot talk about how I do feel right now. That is just too hard for me to do.

Why is it so hard to lose a pet?
I think they are more than pets, they are friends. Family even. They are beings who love us no matter what and never judge us. They just love us, long as you are gentle and kind to them they love you without question. I think that is why it is so hard to lose them. I am crying more now than I did when it was my Gran. That just seems so fucked up. Isn't the reason that parents get pets so that children can learn to deal with grief? Or maybe for me it is the fact that with Kel and Charl now gone from the household, I have no one who listens to me. No one to talk to without being judged. Yeah I talked to the cat a lot. He would sit and purr on my knee just looking up and listening to me.

I am going to miss him so much.

Rest in Peace Harry, you will be missed a lot.

Hate Crimes

Homophobia, Transphobia, Queerphobia.

I have had the lot this morning. And a lot more. All because My little brother is an unpleasant little bastard. Threats of physical Violence and death as well as the Hate Crimes.

This led to me having to speak to the Greater Manchester Police, and make a complaint about it. It has been going on for too long and I don't think it is fair for me to put up with anything like that when it is a subject that I can't help. This is part of who I am.

GMP Responded immediately, in fact said they would have an officer sent to my address within 3 minutes. Mind we already had 2 officers turning up due to my mums complaint.

He had yelled outside in a very public way and was very derogatory about me. There is a dangerous element on this estate who tend to assault anyone different (ie not a scummy little scrot) and now I am going to have to be more careful leaving the house and things.

He also had ago about my friends. Being really disgusting about them. No one has a right to have ago at people that they don't know. I love my friends they are more of a family to me than anyone else. That hurt me a lot hearing him use those words about them.

I spoke to one of the officers and told them about me fears and disgust at his attitude. The officer was rather pleasant and very attentive. They understood that I didn't feel right to report it for family reasons.

Should I have? Part of me wants him to be removed because I don't feel safe with him living here in he same house as me. So should I have reported him fully? And ruined his chances of jobs and things in the future, for my own safety? Or did I do the right thing in giving him another chance?

The Imperial Guard

Humans.

People might think I am mad. But I collect a lot of armies. The majority of them are Human.
I guess I like to paint human miniatures. And well I can relate to them as they are human, so when sent into battle armed with a lasgun or a sword and shield I can understand the horror in a way. Just love the idea of Humans fighting aliens or deamons or Iron clad dwarves. And winning against the odds.

So I have been working rather a lot recently on my Imperial guard army. Some 176 fighting men and and 5 vehicles (so far!) and have nearly reached 50% completion. Yes dodging the platoon at the moment, and converting some Guardsmen veterans with shotguns. But it is going to be a nice army when I get it finished. All red and bone. Mind I have also been using browns and blue-greys too!


The Command Squad, the Hero that is well me in games.

And every army needs a special or named hero for me that is Yarrick


In the in the past have always stayed away from Special Characters. Not sure why, maybe it is the fact that the Characters are, meant to be you in battle, and Special or Named ones have their own histories and stories etc.

But I have been painting and gaming with Named characters over the past few months. There seems to be an extra level of fun to my games.

Just a stroll in my cerebral cortex's.

A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.
Sir Winston Churchill

Job seeking and the future

So I am actively seeking employment.
Because I am sick of being on benefits. I don't want another year of it. I want to get a job. Start saving up some cash and hopefully learn to drive. At least that is the plan before Uni next year.

Personal statement is under way. I am trying hard to sell myself as well as I can so that I can get on to the diploma course. I am thinking more towards Sheffield Hallam and West Thames Valley at the present.

But I will admit. I am scared to go to interviews. All my paperwork is under my name as in Miss T A L Edwards. But I am unable to afford or get a passport for the foreseeable future. Or for that matter till I can get a letter from NGC I cannot apply for one either. So I am stuck having to use my Birth Certificate under Birthname and M.

It wouldn't be so bad but my P60 is screwed up too.
It says Mr in one box and Miss in the box beneath it. I mean seriously either get it wrong or get it right. But don't do both on the same document!

Sigh.

I need to work, I need to start actually having a life so that I can better my life and get some of the things I need out of it.

Going to take a while I guess.

At least it is getting closer to the 26th.
Meeting G in person and having a lovely day out with the Queer Framily (Yes Kal have nicked it!) and of course the appointment with NCG.

Oh and Electrolysis assessment next week too...

Connections

So yeah.
The bonds between the people we know.

Yesterday/last night whatever you want to call it, I was involved with a massive Facebook operation (yeah thinking of the Cadets again!) involving 500+ notifications over 3 hours.
These people are people that I am linked with for many reasons. It is safe to say I do love them all.

But I have as always been thinking about the links and bonds between others.

One of my best friends is dating someone who I have had issues with, that isn't a lie. Thing is they don't know, it but I bare them no ill will. I bare issues with what they and others said about me.

But it proves that things are hard to sort out.

Bleh.

I wonder about people a lot.
Maybe people do need someone to hate in their lives?
Maybe people need a "Nemesis" someone to fight against and try hard to destroy?

Maybe I fit that role too often.

But part of me wants to sort things out. I don't actually like to be hated. I have spent my life being such. Maybe that is my issue.

Who knows really. :/

Out of Sync

And no not talking about my MP3.

Tonight was meant to be youth group night. But with being ill and feeling like a trangst ridden bitch I didn't go.

So instead I have done fuck all (Okay I applied online for another 3 jobs in Kettering etc) But otherwise another wasted day. I have had nearly a 9 months of wasted days really. Been some wonderful ones spent with the fantastic circle of friends I have out there. But in the large it has been boring days of nothing for months now. Looking forwards to when I got my benefit, just so I could go and see people.

A lot of this time I have built and painted stuff. Or done house work. 8000 points worth of my stuff is nearly done. In all 55% of 13000 (500 models) points of my Warhammer 40k stuff is complete. Not to mention 50% of all the Lord of the Rings models too! Because it was either paint/build or drink if I am honest. I restarted my Xbox with a new account meaning I had the chance to start all the games again.

But all of this has been because I have become steadily more socially reclusive. Being isolated for 3 months really fucked me head about. It has left the wounds of distrust, loneliness and social fear in my mind. I feel out of sync with how to deal with people for more than one or two days a week if I am brutally honest with myself.

I have a long road to go before I am even halfway recovered to the being I was back in December last year. It is going to have to be walked and gone over because I can't let my mind trap me in social isolation again. Been there for years.

So what steps am I taking?

1) Applying for a lot of jobs in social enviorments. (Including care homes, children's homes and shops).

2) Going out at least 3 times a week to do something social. Normally B.yoU and Games nights.

3) Learning about new things, so that I can converse more about more interesting topics.

and 4) Trying hard to make a few small changes to my social skills, trying (failing) to learn the art of being tactful and not dominating a conversation. Not easy really.

I am trying to undo who I am a bit.
I am both highly passionate, yet seem detached and none committing to a task. Odd yes.
But it is hard trying to undo 20 years of fucked socialisation. It is a long and slow journey of trial and error and not much fun either.

This is the life I want, so I will fight for it :)

What it takes in life.

Life is a complicated mess quite often.

But I have found that the best way I can deal with life is, and I know it seems silly.
But I write and I blog.

This method of dealing with life has been for me the most benificial.

But why?

I have tried counselling for years
never found any of it useful
but I find blogging theraputic
it's less interrogating and tense
less rude
you learn more how to help yourself than to be patronized and wallow in your problems
less hostile in my experience
less.. worrying. always worrying how they'll react, if you're breaking your confidentiality, what they think of you..
there's no pressure to give answers or say anything
how they will treat you after
if you've typed it you can edit it later on
with blogging it is just a great free way to express it
definitely
I think you learn more about your own thought process via reading back on what you've written than some stranger trying to analyse you from what you appear
yes and it isn't just the bad things
you can talk freely about the good and bad
definitely
you're not forced to do anything, to compromise, to comply
it's so open
no dependancy either.


Just a ramble

My dark recent past

So I don't know why I have been thinking about these things but I have. And I need to get them out and off my chest.

I am not the physically largest person. I might have been born into a male body. I am 5'8", I am about 10.4 stone in weight and have been for a few years. For some reason I lack upper body strength, possible link to some genetic default. So yeah.

Two years ago, I was in the 5th year of college, the second of my A-Levels. I had just lost my nan, who I loved dearly. I was emotionally vulnerable and in need of company and affection. A girl who was a "friend" basically took advantage of me in this state. she was violent, aggressive selfish and unpleasant. She didn't like the fact that I was and still am cold, distant and aloof. That I didn't shower her with a constant stream of compliments and when I needed time alone she called me selfish etc.

She asked me to have sex with her. But I couldn't. Issues I had been trying hard to pretend didn't exist, pretty much meant that I couldn't have sex with her at all. Thing is she knew at the time that I had been to see the GP about these issues. And well was prescribed the NHS equivalent of Viagra. Yeah I am not going to deny that I went down that root, (hey at the time I was trying to be a Cis Heterosexual man...) So I had some. She kind of took them, without warning me. And a few days later invited me to stay over. She tried pressurising me into sex again. Again I couldn't perform as she wanted me too. So instead she made me a cup of Valarium tea, as even then I couldn't sleep well. I am not sure what she did, but I have a feeling that she used the Viagra too.

I remember drinking the tea, and she asked if I would pleasure her. I did so as I am often very dutiful in a relationship. Anyway the combination of the Valarium and the fact that she wrenched my arm with her tree trunk sized thighs. I passed out. An hour or two later I woke up, there were signs of sexual relations and well the evidence that latex condoms had been used (I am allergic, brings me out in hives). She denied it. In fact she spread some really fucking awful lies about me. Leading to a complete social exclusion. This as you can imagine led to me failing all 3 of my A-Levels. Damn near destroyed me.

I turned to alcohol. I turned to something that I kept hidden for a very very long time. No one at home seemed to notice that I was steadily drinking myself to death. I was happily allowing my life for 2 months to destroy itself. I had nothing of value, no worth or confidence. I then met some people, one who helped me a great deal. And another woman much the same as the one above. Big, heavy aggressive women. It happened again. Just as I came out as bi with a preference towards Males. And then I got Sexually Assaulted again. Why it happened I don't know. But it has happened twice. So it sent me from December 08 till July 09 into a steady spiral into alcoholism. I needed to feel numb. I needed to not feel or remember how I felt.

I probably would have drunk myself to death. If it was not for meeting a certain young man. An Ex Member and the old Co-Ordinator for the North West. Just meeting Evan back in July seemed to make me realise that I needed to sort my life back out. I did I tried to at least. But then a wave of grief and the sudden realisation of gender issues, led to my failed OD Last October.

Things got good again. Then Some unpleasant lying arsehole made another strike against my well being. I lost someone who meant a great deal to me at the same time, became forcefully isolated. So again I returned to the bottle rather hard. I had to. Infact it was only meeting someone in person a month after I started drinking (maybe even only a few weeks) he saved me from myself, without knowing it.

People seem so eager to judge and destroy me. I know I am often like wildfire, dangerous if not handled right. But that is who I am.