Losing something you care about is so bloody hard.
In the last few years I have lost one of my most important friends, my Gran and tonight my cat.
Yet grief makes me feel so bloody strange.
Blank.
Loveless.
Lost.
I need to be alone yet wish I could just climb into the arms of someone I love. I can't even managed to do that, because the ones I love live miles away. It isn't there fault but I have very few people I am that close to here in Wigan. Even in this house.
I am not good when it comes to having emotional outlets or displays. I never have been. I am not comfortable showing any vulnerabilities with anyone. Few have seen me like that. And fewer I would go to to brake down on.
The only outlet is this very medium, blogging. Because I don't need to see what people have to say to me, but I need to know that someone has indeed looked and read. If that makes any sense. Probably doesn't, but I find it hard to open up to people and talk to them, in person or online. I can talk about how I have felt in the past, but I cannot talk about how I do feel right now. That is just too hard for me to do.
Why is it so hard to lose a pet?
I think they are more than pets, they are friends. Family even. They are beings who love us no matter what and never judge us. They just love us, long as you are gentle and kind to them they love you without question. I think that is why it is so hard to lose them. I am crying more now than I did when it was my Gran. That just seems so fucked up. Isn't the reason that parents get pets so that children can learn to deal with grief? Or maybe for me it is the fact that with Kel and Charl now gone from the household, I have no one who listens to me. No one to talk to without being judged. Yeah I talked to the cat a lot. He would sit and purr on my knee just looking up and listening to me.
I am going to miss him so much.
Rest in Peace Harry, you will be missed a lot.
