So I don't know why I have been thinking about these things but I have. And I need to get them out and off my chest.
I am not the physically largest person. I might have been born into a male body. I am 5'8", I am about 10.4 stone in weight and have been for a few years. For some reason I lack upper body strength, possible link to some genetic default. So yeah.
Two years ago, I was in the 5th year of college, the second of my A-Levels. I had just lost my nan, who I loved dearly. I was emotionally vulnerable and in need of company and affection. A girl who was a "friend" basically took advantage of me in this state. she was violent, aggressive selfish and unpleasant. She didn't like the fact that I was and still am cold, distant and aloof. That I didn't shower her with a constant stream of compliments and when I needed time alone she called me selfish etc.
She asked me to have sex with her. But I couldn't. Issues I had been trying hard to pretend didn't exist, pretty much meant that I couldn't have sex with her at all. Thing is she knew at the time that I had been to see the GP about these issues. And well was prescribed the NHS equivalent of Viagra. Yeah I am not going to deny that I went down that root, (hey at the time I was trying to be a Cis Heterosexual man...) So I had some. She kind of took them, without warning me. And a few days later invited me to stay over. She tried pressurising me into sex again. Again I couldn't perform as she wanted me too. So instead she made me a cup of Valarium tea, as even then I couldn't sleep well. I am not sure what she did, but I have a feeling that she used the Viagra too.
I remember drinking the tea, and she asked if I would pleasure her. I did so as I am often very dutiful in a relationship. Anyway the combination of the Valarium and the fact that she wrenched my arm with her tree trunk sized thighs. I passed out. An hour or two later I woke up, there were signs of sexual relations and well the evidence that latex condoms had been used (I am allergic, brings me out in hives). She denied it. In fact she spread some really fucking awful lies about me. Leading to a complete social exclusion. This as you can imagine led to me failing all 3 of my A-Levels. Damn near destroyed me.
I turned to alcohol. I turned to something that I kept hidden for a very very long time. No one at home seemed to notice that I was steadily drinking myself to death. I was happily allowing my life for 2 months to destroy itself. I had nothing of value, no worth or confidence. I then met some people, one who helped me a great deal. And another woman much the same as the one above. Big, heavy aggressive women. It happened again. Just as I came out as bi with a preference towards Males. And then I got Sexually Assaulted again. Why it happened I don't know. But it has happened twice. So it sent me from December 08 till July 09 into a steady spiral into alcoholism. I needed to feel numb. I needed to not feel or remember how I felt.
I probably would have drunk myself to death. If it was not for meeting a certain young man. An Ex Member and the old Co-Ordinator for the North West. Just meeting Evan back in July seemed to make me realise that I needed to sort my life back out. I did I tried to at least. But then a wave of grief and the sudden realisation of gender issues, led to my failed OD Last October.
Things got good again. Then Some unpleasant lying arsehole made another strike against my well being. I lost someone who meant a great deal to me at the same time, became forcefully isolated. So again I returned to the bottle rather hard. I had to. Infact it was only meeting someone in person a month after I started drinking (maybe even only a few weeks) he saved me from myself, without knowing it.
People seem so eager to judge and destroy me. I know I am often like wildfire, dangerous if not handled right. But that is who I am.
