I feel blank, null, with out clear definition. Grey. Void.
You get used to being something and someone. And then for some reason you just feel somewhere between or outside of things. I know most of the time I am largely female. I would say about 85% of the time. 10% I am nothing. I guess I got used to not being anything, excluding and being excluded. I guess for a lot of my life I was nothing. I was the grey creature. Not male enough to be male, not female enough to be a girl. Just a creature or a character in a story. The other 5% Makes even less sense. It isn't female, male, nothing but it is something. Something greater or stranger. Something that I don't feel is all that human.
I read a lot. Mainly Sci Fi ans stuff.
I love how aliens and things can have multiple genders. I am also intrigued with the idea of creatures like Deamons, genderless beings that can inhabit someones body. Maybe this void and blankness for me I relate it to this kind of thing. No I don't think I am possessed.I am more fascinated with the concept of both none gender and other gender. A part of me is as such. But I can't think of a way to describe it, because it isn't a male part at all. Other than my body there is nothing really male left about me.
This as you can possibly imagine makes me then question my sexuality. Most of the time I am nonesxual, just flirty etc. And more often than not a pleaser. But when I kind of reach to the Genderqueerness I find that the issues with my genitals vanish. I don't particularly like what I have, but with a sudden rush of lust I kind of make do with it. But when in the GQ zone the associated Trangst isn't there. There is still very little pleasure but it kind of makes me feel weird, the voidness at least. But I also become some kind of sexually driven Pansexual creature. Weird eh?
Maybe I am destined to just drift about through life never always being one thing. Or at least for the foreseeable future. Maybe this is just how things are going to be till I get on to Hormones, or T blockers to be more accurate, maybe the feeling would be driven from me then?
All I know is that I am very much in that Grey zone, and have been for a while. Maybe it is the waiting, being half one things and still being the other?
