I miss my friends.
They live so far away, and I find it difficult not seeing them as often as one might like too do. Once or twice a month is all I can manage, because of finances.
Bleh
This leaves me feeling a bit distant, I guess that I kick off at times because I am so used to having to fight for everything. Always have had to, I mean I am one of 5 siblings, and the one who has typically come last. I am not the oldest or youngest, I am not straight, or "normal" even by the stands of this family. I am not a cis girl. I am not the most aggressive one either. All I am is a queer. I am some what high functioning, my IQ is rather high compared to European Average. Yet even with that, I more often than not go ignored. Such is my life I guess.
I have little idea how to function without fighting. Arguing, chaos and it all. Just I guess become my typical manner to deal with lives issues and other things. Maybe I shouldn't be programmed this way at all. But when you have had to be this kind of person for so long, it is so hard to not be that, if that makes sense.
I know must people will not ever be able to understand what it is like to live inside my own head. I know that I actually don't tend to talk about it out loud either. I never tell people how I actually feel. Or much really. I know that I am a rather cold and aloof person, and the end of things, I do make more enemies than friends. I make no apologies of the person that I have sculptured into. Live a life of hardship and it will leave you broken I guess.
Someone said that I shouldn't blog if I don't want people to comment on them. I have 200+ articles. Most of them go uncommented. I do not blog for the sake of getting peoples input. No rather I do it so that I can actually get things off my chest, because I don't like to argue as much as I used to. Blogging is the one resource I have that calms me down, and keeps me going.
I don't like to be alone.
