So I am ever try to change from the person I was. In fact a year ago tomorrow I was a very different person. I was in a dangerous place and I was well rather self destructive. Why because I didn't want to admit I was trans. Stupid I know. But like it was difficult, maybe denying it was my own way of handling it. But that came to head on the 28th of September last year. I guess a strange anniversary to remember. Because it was the day I admitted it. And the day I nearly died.
Not a good time. I was not in the worlds greatest place. I was at the time in a relationship with someone highly dependant and massively self-abusive. I was just starting Uni and having issues with the Mothering unit about being queer. I will admit I tried to Over Dose on a lot of things. I wanted to take the quick way out. I was scared, stressed and I will admit it, I thought myself a freak. Now it is well know the majority of people I get on with are trans. So it seems a little stupid to say that, realising that was what and who I am made me feel that way but it is true. I have always had a massive respect for the trans people I know. But I guess admitting it was well very hard for me.
I also don't like the fact that I became so attention seeking for a good few weeks. Maybe that is because of the fact that I had made myself stupidly vulnerable. And I still tried hard to deny it. And understand it myself.
So things happened, I started to full apart, met some of the most amazing people on this planet. Fell in love twice. Got my heart broken. Had my life fucked over. And all that Jazz. But at long last, I think since the End of Feb. I took control. Dealt with so much, that some people find it amazing how I coped. I met the people I know I would die for, or at least a few of them. People who I feel are and were strong for me, in my hours of need. People who just wanted to help. I know I have miles to come till things are better if I am honest but I will get there.
I realised that the 26/10 is the day that things will start to get real for me, in terms of Transgenderism. But that day is also the day that I first met Karl in person, last year. A lot of things have happened since then. I don't think I am anything like the person I was then. 13 months of knowing that I have the wrong body to gender combination and my life is finally about to start working out as I need it to.
I have spoken to Wigan College, more particularly the Health & Beauty Director. I have asked about being a test subject for Hair removal treatments. She said it was unusual but will get back to me. I feel this is an important step, in the grand scheme of things as I need to start making some personal changes so that I can get to a point where as I can attempt to try and pass etc. So Fingers crossed. I have also spoken to PALs about getting some voice coaching up here in Wigan. They said they will see what they can do about it too.
And today. Well Today I am going to go and fight the hard wired Social Anxiety issue. I am going to go and spend the day in the company of thousands of crazy and wonderful wargaming, model building and paint geeks! For today is Games Day. And something that is both highly exciting and a little scary for me! Even if most of the wargamers I know think I have one of the most epic names ever....
So a journey though my Trans history. How I have gotten to where I am now. It has all finally fallen into place.
It is safe to say I am scared and excited at the things to come.
