And no not talking about my MP3.
Tonight was meant to be youth group night. But with being ill and feeling like a trangst ridden bitch I didn't go.
So instead I have done fuck all (Okay I applied online for another 3 jobs in Kettering etc) But otherwise another wasted day. I have had nearly a 9 months of wasted days really. Been some wonderful ones spent with the fantastic circle of friends I have out there. But in the large it has been boring days of nothing for months now. Looking forwards to when I got my benefit, just so I could go and see people.
A lot of this time I have built and painted stuff. Or done house work. 8000 points worth of my stuff is nearly done. In all 55% of 13000 (500 models) points of my Warhammer 40k stuff is complete. Not to mention 50% of all the Lord of the Rings models too! Because it was either paint/build or drink if I am honest. I restarted my Xbox with a new account meaning I had the chance to start all the games again.
But all of this has been because I have become steadily more socially reclusive. Being isolated for 3 months really fucked me head about. It has left the wounds of distrust, loneliness and social fear in my mind. I feel out of sync with how to deal with people for more than one or two days a week if I am brutally honest with myself.
I have a long road to go before I am even halfway recovered to the being I was back in December last year. It is going to have to be walked and gone over because I can't let my mind trap me in social isolation again. Been there for years.
So what steps am I taking?
1) Applying for a lot of jobs in social enviorments. (Including care homes, children's homes and shops).
2) Going out at least 3 times a week to do something social. Normally B.yoU and Games nights.
3) Learning about new things, so that I can converse more about more interesting topics.
and 4) Trying hard to make a few small changes to my social skills, trying (failing) to learn the art of being tactful and not dominating a conversation. Not easy really.
I am trying to undo who I am a bit.
I am both highly passionate, yet seem detached and none committing to a task. Odd yes.
But it is hard trying to undo 20 years of fucked socialisation. It is a long and slow journey of trial and error and not much fun either.
This is the life I want, so I will fight for it :)
