Photosensitivity and other bollocks

So why do I feel so crappy after I go out in the sun for a few hours?

Light makes me go all strange.

My skin tingles, and my eye sight becomes massively reduced.

I don't function properly. I really do become rather confused and ill.

But heat and sun? Just not my cup of tea.

I am slipping again.

It is like falling through the Looking Glass.

Beyond the edge of the Map, here lies monsters...

It started about a month ago, well longer than that, the start May.

Things had been going well.

I have been making an effort to spend time with friends more, going to B.yoU as often as I could and all that jazz.

But the insomnia, the depression and the stress and more irritably the self-hate and loneliness have been creeping back.

Day after day, a bit of me dying at a time.

Yeah this is depressive. I don't see a positive at present. Not like normal.

Trans issues weighing heavily. And this sense of loneliness growing, festering, I know where it comes from, and why it weighs so heavily in my heart.

I can't connect to people. On many levels. But also I find it hard to trust people. And then there is again the Trans issue and the fact that we are as a society largely driven by sex. I have actually been asked why it is important for me to be in a relationship, if I am Asexual. I mean that just shows what people think love is. To put it simply Lust.

I just feel so disconnected from society.

I am just so unhappy and fed up of not being close to human. I can't help that. I am not quite human, and well according to the identifying characteristics for a living creature, I am not one. Not quite anyway, because there is something I can't do. Regardless of sexuality.

Just so fucking pissed off.

Getting more and more distant from people. I can't carry on like this.

Can I?

Voice

So for reasons I am unsure of, I made a short ramblely vlog.

I guess I did because a fair few others were saying that I should do so. You, know who you are!

Made me realise that my voice is shit. I hate it a lot. Wish I could change it. But it is so hard to maintain anything beyond neutral.

I sound deep and gravelly, rough and rather horrid in my opinion.

*Sigh*

Would voice coaching and HRT effect it much? From what I have gathered, not really.

For the first time in long time, I feel trangsty, and it is over something I can't change. Not easily anyway.

Things can be changed so far, and even with help it makes me wonder how far I am going to actually get.

I don't really know anymore.

Just depressed, and a little irritated about trans crap now.

The one thing that will likely give me away, forever will be my voice. I have tried the voice coaching lessons and other stuff, but my voice doesn't vary much above deep neutral or even monotonous, unless I am very upset.

And I can't walk about in a constant state of hysterics can I? No, not really an option.

Just ooh Fuck it, is how I am feeling right now.

Good mood is gone...

Bloody Football....

Right I have truly had, totally enough of football.

First England loses spectacularly .

Then I get home, get to watch it again.

Then the News shows it twice!

I think we all have gotten the idea by know.

England lost.

Anyway today was possibly one of the best I have had in the last two months.

I got to spend it with two of the most amazing people I know. (In fact there are only a few others who are equally as amazing in my life!) We walked, talked and just had a good laugh. Me and Kal both had a little camera war. I like to take strange pictures. :P

Including Kal's Legs ;]

But I haven't felt so relaxed and happy in a good long time. I like to hang out with people in small groups, and I like to be able to talk about nonsense and just have a good laugh. I mean I had a good time with the OMG guys and bowling, but had a massive crash after. But today was different. it was just pure fun. I felt happy to just fit in for a change.

We discussed about the fact that there is a sect, a community alongside the main ones of society. The home of the outcast Outcast. All three of us had similar stories about school. All three of us have been bullied, and in fact often still are. We strangely had similar stories about experiences, difficulties with friends and family, or rather lack of them and lack of understanding by the other. I know a fair few others who have had shite, twisted lives at times.

Yet alone we get broken, beaten and destroyed. We try to change and fit in, we try to make friends and work hard at it. But people tend to push us away and hurt us. Grind us into the dirt. But the people I know, the ones I trust, well those guys are some of the most amazing I know.

A, K, K, J, S, and all the others, you guys need to know, your not alone. I have learnt that I am no longer alone, that I have people I can depend on to help me, I hope you know that I am here for you too.

Always, eternally.

It is funny how a positive can be dragged from a negative....

Fanaticism

Excessive enthusiasm, unreasoning zeal, or wild and extravagant notions, on any subject, especially religion; religious frenzy.

Follow me with this one please.

So, I have been in a shitty mood, as anyone who reads will have seen.

But why am I here.

I have been slowly (travelling in a spiral I will admit) been exploring myself. Looking at the bits I can change, where I fit in in the grand scheme of things, all that kind of shit. I have begun to notice a kind of level of unreasonable zeal. Deep inside. I have a unquestionable desire to help people I care about. I have a excessive need to understand things and collect data.

I am a strange human being at times. But there is a reason for that, in part I am a detached, aloof, cold, envious dehumanised being. I am an argumentative, aggressive, destructive, unhinged creature. But if half of you knew a 1/5 of my past well you might understand.

Yeah I tend to get caught in my own problems, way too much. And they totally absorb me. I can't help that. I tend to try and solve problems. And normally not my own. I try my best to help people. Even if at times I can't emotionally relate to them. I have been told I have a heart of stone. Maybe this is true. But I am not going to stop trying to help, because at times it is all I can do.

Maybe this is all to do with gender and sexuality. Because, I have been reassessing who I am, and what my gender actually is. I know I am almost Genderless, with a more female personality. Maybe this is associated with being asexual? I am not sure. But they are both connected to being and feeling unhuman.

But I guess I will always feel strange. It is part of being different.

I am at heart some kind of fanatic. Be it over my interests or over the people I care about. I will always do what I can for them.

Always.

Round hole and Square pegs.

They don't fit together.

Not unless you really put a lot of effort in.

Change the shape of one or both then yes things do fit together.

Why am I talking about this?

Because no matter where I go, it seems I am not meant to fit in.

Bullying drives me away.

Lack of assistance.

Lack of interest.

Destruction of friendships.

And many other reasons.

So yeah I am an Outlaw. Chased away be metaphorical mobs with pitchforks and torches.

It has happened a fair few times. Online and Off.

People call it victimising. Or demonising. To be frankfully honest. It is bullying. That is all. Ugly, nasty, pathetic bullying. I have had that all my life. From everywhere. I have been muzzled out of friendship circles, by people close to me. I have been accused of terrible things, just because people don't like me.

I am not sure why. I know I am a little different, a little strange maybe. I know I am opinionated and can be argumentative. But I am caring, loving, loyal, dependable, I try my best to help everyone. Yet I have learnt that politeness is a crime!

I don't think people see how hard it is for me to fit in anywhere, and I have bloody well tried. I tried playing sports, got laughed at. I have tried doing all the things that young males are meant to do. It never worked. Maybe because I have never really been a young male, but that was an issue I only really worked out back in October. So much has happened since then. And I have begun to actually accept that I am Asexual. As much as I have tried to deny it, I know I can't.

I have let my gender set and manifest as it has. I know I am stuck somewhere being Agendered but leaning towards being feminine. I am happy there, my pronouns are female. But again it links back to the title. I don't quite fit into any of societies boxes.

To be entirely honest there is one place I have found that I do fit in. B.yoU and Open Minds Group. I have kind of fitted in, I get on with most of the members. I am allowed to be myself, and sometimes encouraged to do so. I feel happy because I kind of have people I can fit in with. Those groups have given me a place I feel welcome. That and there are 15 people in the last 15 months that I have learnt that I can depend upon. Those guys mean the entire planet to me.

They represent all the good things in life.

They give me hope and the strength to keep fighting, and forever moving forward.

How to make an Outcast.

Well. Ignore those who need help is a good start.

Call them selfish, and other things. Make them into a monster. People to seem to do that, to me a lot.

Yeah I am far from perfect. And yes over the last 6 months I have really needed support. Probably more than I should have needed. But then there has been way too much fucking shit for me alone to deal with. Most of who will read this blog, will know bits of it. Yeah I got my heart broke, I was betrayed and have had massive amount of shit from some fucking woman. Yeah I have been broken, bullied and driven to the edge.

People have fallen out of my life. Because I got trapped in a cloud of darkness. Yet talking about my problems, made me selfish? Did it not occur that I needed help?

Yet there are some people. They let me depend on them, they set out to help me, because they saw the signs. 15 of the greatest people on the face of this planet. I could name them, but I hope that they follow my blogs, because they should now who they are.

You guys have given me every chance and reason to survive and keep going.

I love you all.

Some I don't get to talk to half as much as I would like. And I don't get to see you as much as I really want to.

But small steps, I am trying my best to change some of the negatives about myself and my life. But thanks, for being there, all of you.

I wouldn't be here with out you.

And to those who gave up or abandoned me. I forgive you for your ignorance, if you can forgive me for becoming so self absorbed.

Odditiy.

Both a massive low then a massive high.

The Low first.

So yeah massive depressive moods fucking suck. But one tiny problem after the next and well I relapsed. A few shallow cuts are now on my leg. I just didn't have the strength to stop it. Oh well, cleaned them. So they should heal fine.

I had a decent day, I am finding it hard to piece it together why I did what I did. And why I have been negatively daydreaming. Far as I can see, a little bit of everything, stress, trans crap and the fact I am still somewhat very self hating for not being able to truly understand sex and as such knowing I am Asexual, I guess is a damaging piece of knowledge. I can't change it, but I guess I will always worry about it, and how it will effect future relationships.

*Sigh*

The High point.

I am out to Mum.

She started the converstation, and I was explaining something, and she asked if I felt like I was trans. I said yes, and proceeded to explain about Agenderism, feeling closer to female than male, but still somewhat nothing too. And genderqueerness and all that. She took it on board, and accepted it. Said that as long as I make sure to get the proper help, she will have nothing to worry about, and will support me. But that change of things will take time.

We also talked about some of the biological characteristics I show. And how I have always worn baggy clothes etc. Mum said I had been strongly male, always a little odd at times. We then talked about Asexualism. I had to explain how I reached that, but again Mum said it was kind of a bit clear to her. I had never been like most lads.

We talked a lot, and it felt good to get some things off my chest at last.

I hope that this is the start of good things at home and with the family.

Bowling and Meeting

So today has been a day of queerness.

First off, went to a meeting with other organisations across Wigan.

The meeting was oddly exciting.

Got to discuss some issues, including setting up some more Trans resources. And I got to vent at mental health! Haha. Felt good.

I manage to bring to the attention of others, about different gender issues. It felt good :)

Then tonight I went bowling.

Haven't been since Jan.

It was very fun :)

I won one game woooo!

Yeah I am in a good mood.

But still worry about things....

List. 10 things to change/improve/alter

Okay.

I feel I need a list of targets so here it is.

1) Get into the GIC system

2) Start building some additional UCAS points

3) Get out more.

4) Move out.

5) Do something, unusual for me.

6) Finish at least two armies.

7) Change my name

8) Learn something new, a skill maybe.

9) Make a new friend.

10) Start to work on my problems, so that I can deal with them easier. Maybe brake them down.

I know some of these may sound strange, but I think they will help me advance and become a better/more interesting person. Either that or they are just personal challenges. Because personal challenges help us grow as people.

I am giving myself 3 months to complete them. I know this sounds ridiculous but, I need a frame to work inside of.

Heres hoping :)

Breaking point.

So.

Why?

Mental health, of all things. I can't even get a solid date for when they will see me. Any time between 8 and 32 weeks! Great. Yet I was "told" that I would be shot up the list if my situation became desperate. Joy, if I want Wigan PCT to help, I have to be institutionalised.

People wonder why I think I am a freak.

I am one in 7 million-ish. 0.1% of the worlds population are classed as being Asexual.

I get nothing from sex bar negatives. I am starting to go mad.

People don't seem to understand what Asexuality is.

It isn't abstinence. It isn't celibacy.

It isn't an aversion to sex.

For me it is the fact that that part of me, is none existent. What small sex drive I have exists because of having the wrong set of genitals.

But having forced myself to have sex, well it made me feel so down. Sex is something unnatural to me, and I am no prude. Just sex, is well pointless. There is no enjoyment, nothing positive for me there.

This makes me even more lonely. Few people seem to understand that, I am not abstaining, it isn't aversion. I just can't do sex. It makes me feel uncomfortable doing even cybersex if I am going to be beautifully honest.

Fuck.

Changer of ways?

Blog time.

So something is coming, I can feel it on the edge of my senses.

And yes... in house joke there ;)

So things are being a bit odd.

Been a creeping feeling, an emotion maybe that I am unsure of creeping over me.

But highlight. Mum started a conversation about gender variance! Weird seeing as last time I talked to her about stuff she was well unpleasant. So fingers crossed that I can try again, coming out that is.

I have been thinking about change, a lot.

Transitioning to female.

Career path.

trying to sort out many things.

And I guess I have reached the point where I want to meet someone, who I can get on with. And hopefully date. I am in a more stable point than I have been in a very long time. So fingers crossed I might be able to meet the right Boy/Girl/Other soon :)

I am also considering something different this summer.... Not saying what just now... I need to be sure of it, it is just a plan, a little shapeless right now. But if I think it will pay off for the better if it does.

That is it for now.

A pretty decent day really.

One of those rare weekends.

Actually felt relaxed and mediocre edging happy. Which felt good.

Yesterday I was left alone for most of the day, allowed me to relax, and get my room tidied, I think that has helped with the feeling good to be honest. I was just left to unwind, got a little bit of painting done so all was good in the evening. Oh and watched Doctor Who, the poor Doctor!!! As for Amy... Good bye dear!

Today well for the first time since My Grans wake, we went out for a family meal. To some random place called the Crown Inn, somewhere north of Wigan. Now those that know me, know that my family is normally the cause of a lot of my stress. And apart from still being very much Birth name to my family (Which I guess they still don't know, not fully anyway, waiting till I get referred before broaching the Trans subject again!) I had an rather incredible time. Nice food, nice place and oddly nice company. (Mmmm Steak with salad, followed by strawberries and cream nom nom nom!)

This week I hope to get things set in motion to try and get on to the Degree course in Mental Health Nursing (Ironic I know!), because I feel it is a course that interests me, and I could do well in. People tell me that I am very caring, and I like to try and help people. So maybe it really is a possible career for me :)

Just think in 4 years I could be the nurse assessing young transpeople! How mad would that be?

Boredom

So I am completely bored. But also at that point I have little motivation to actually do anything.

Home alone, music on dead loud. Already done most of the house work.

I thought about sitting and painting for most of the day but I just can't be bothered to try. It sucks. Massively.

I guess I just felt like a ramble.

Frustration is setting in. I can't focus on a task for too long. And the bloody space bar isn't working properly!

I guess I need something interesting to happen, something to inspire me to do something, like painting or baking. But it seems so much effort right now.

And it isn't helped by the brightness of the sun. I hate being photosensitive, is bloody awful, means I get a headache for being outside for long. This is starting to make me feel like a prisoner at home, and in my mind!

Yeah, I rant, complain and whine too much.

I keep watching my auction on eBay, I hope that I do win.

I might go play on the Xbox, or the Gamcube, that might alleviate some of the boredom. For awhile at least. It has been almost a week since I spent time with another human being (family don't count). That is bad even for me...

The coffee is gone. Completely gone. Means I can't even pass the time making coffee and drinking it. Why is the Coffee gone? Because I have drank 6 large mugs today already.

Still not sleeping at night, which is quite frankly pissing me off. And then that means that I am feeling distant from myself and anyone else. I keep whining to the GP. But they can't help.

-_-

Just so bored!

Gender Identity Issues.

What the fuck is going on in my head?

I have been steadily developing a more female Identity for the last few months. Basically what has felt natural. Moving from Terran to Terra, because it felt right. And I am largely feeling happier as such.

Yet maybe it is connected to being depressed, or lonely. Or many other things. But for nearly 15 years now I have had issues with both gender, and depression. So maybe it goes hand in hand.

I guess I was lucky. Puberty didn't really hit me till late 14/15.

Didn't grow facial or body hair till 16/17ish.

So for the greater part of my teen years, I was rather genderless. Which I must admit, due to not understanding why I didn't want to be a boy yet felt more like a girl, I kind of created myself as Agendered. So it seemed right, neither male or female. Since I was about 8 till 17, I was fairly happy, then signs of my male body began to show, the levels of depression increased.

I don't think it helps, I mean there is the fact that not only am I in a strange way Bi-gendered but I am also almost entirely Asexual. Sex is complicated, I don't get any pleasure or positives from it. In fact it makes me feel worse, and I don't particularly feel good that often. But again combined that with Depression and low Self-worth/confidence/esteem I tend to get defensive and I further retreat to becoming Agendered.

I guess it will always be part of my identity. But it does confused me. I end up feeling more and more detached from people. People keep challenging me. Saying I can't be trans. The occasional mistake I can cope with, most people seem to understand and correct themselves or apologise and all is fine. But every tiny knock makes me flee for the safety of being Agendered.

And in turn that makes me feel more depressed, because I feel like I am being split into two parts. The part that is very much Terra and the part that is very much Leslie. Almost two separate Identities at times. And then there is the Asexualness, I know it is always going to complicate relationships. And it does make me feel that there are things I will never understand.

I guess I am always meant to be two halves of the same coin. Black and white I guess.

Death.

And no stop the worrying.

Right okay. So if someone goes for a walk and happens to wonder round a cemetery . A lot of people would call them morbid. But I tend to walk around and often go to the old cemetery, it is quiet and there is some beautiful stone masonry. The people who make gravestones have some high level of skill. And there is a high level of artistic practice. Maybe it is because I think stone is a fantastic material.

But it got me thinking. Humanity carves stone into monuments; graves, tombs, mausoleum, crypts and even the pyramids of South America and Egypt. Why is someone's death more celebrated than their life?

Maybe it is because people want to leave a statement, like "John was here, he was great!"

But it is strange that people have fascination with funerals, graves and the such like. People travel miles to go and see things like the pyramids. Just kind of make me think. The eternal question of what lies behind the veil of death. Human nature I guess.

I guess I have personally a great fondness for sculptured stone, I think it is better than metal, and a million times more beautiful than plastic. There is a majesty and royalty to stone. It is living and yet not living.

Just random I guess.

DWP - Failing me again

How can someone who is highly depressed, anxious and mildly paranoid be fit for work?

More so when they have acute nocturnal insomnia, social anxiety and other issues?

I knew Atos Health, were a bunch of cunts. I shall make a complaint when I get the copy of the report. I explained how everything recent has been making my life harder, and yet they scored me less than 15 points? I mean that makes little sense. They wouldn't even tell me how many points under I am.

I have no confidence, and yet they expect me to go out, and look for work? I would be 1 in 100s if not 1000s looking for a job. I have no experience, no credentials, no nothing with which to sell myself. I mean I can't even get on voluntary work. Which means I will end up on Jobseeker's Allowance again. And that is more stressful than anything. It actually made the above things worse. And I did it for a month this year!

Which means my GP would again sign me off as unfit for work. Because that is what they believe, but no, some shitty little doctor paid for by DWP, says that yeah I am unwell, but I should be Jobseeking. Try doing it with the above issues. Then add not feeling comfortable in the body your in, due to it not matching your gender. I have so little confidence, I have little of all the things needed for someone to work.

I don't want to spend the next few years, below the bottom rung. I wanted to get things under way, take a few months and work on my problems so that I could go back to Uni or something. But that doesn't seem like an option. I hate signing on, I hate having to trawl through every shop, paper, website looking for work, because I know, no where wants a University drop out, who has more problems and issue than they are worth. It makes me ill, knowing that no where actually cares. I am pissed of with being treated like crap, just because I can speak fluent English, and my issues are largely in my head.

But what the fuck am I actually meant to do? I have applied for just about everything I can, and things I feel I would be good at. I was meant to have an interview for an apprenticeship, but they cancelled on me. I have handed out over 150 copies of my CV. Had one reply, a decline. There is no where to go, no way to get a job. I feel so tired and so fucked up all the time. Mum doesn't help, with her comments of "Snap out of it" or "Your just being lazy!" or my personal favourite"Go back to Uni, do something with your life." I can't. I am not lazy, she doesn't see that I apply for courses everyday. I have tried snapping out of it, but it is deeper than you could ever understand. And as for Uni, it was pointless, I wasn't going to learn a single thing. Because I can't learn from visual learning methods. I need a lot of support, which Unis are not going to give.

So really, until I start working on my issues, and have space to do so, what quality of life can I expect to have? I mean really.

Moving Preparation

Okay so I have a lot of things to move from here to where ever I am going to end up.

I am sorting housing benefit and stuff out so hopefully that will allow me to move out to begin with.

But there is a lot of stuff that needs to be shifted. Books, Models, Games, Clothes and other stuff. It is going to take awhile to move, might have to ask for a few favours from a few people. But I will get there. I will move as much of my stuff as I can myself, abusing the Dayrider ticket to the full, Trains from 10am to 10pm and buses from between homes.

I know I need to start getting things sorted, so that they are ready to be transported from here to where ever. I know how to do it too. Moved so many times in the last few years. But I know it will be worth it. Just need to get the help of a few people who can drive, guess there is Pam and Alison I can ask.

But I know that I am looking forward to it. Because once I have moved out. I can start living as the real me. I can in effect go and become Terran on paper. Even know I have been using the name for well over 6 months, so in UK law I am effectively Terran lol. Still I plan to get Statutory Declaration done as soon as I have moved out. Why some people may ask? Because it fore goes the need to get Psych letters. It means I can then sort out Passport and driving licence.

And it means I am truly beginning my life properly. So fingers crossed it will go well.

So QYN is dead.

So yeah.

I have lost the place I was myself, and the place I blogged a lot.

Soon to move out. Soon to be able to be me.

But until I have somewhere else to share my thoughts and random babble, I will use here again.

So yeah I will be depressive, I will be random, I will cry and scream. But there will be positive and goodness too.

And a link whenever I post on Facebook :)