I have been steadily developing a more female Identity for the last few months. Basically what has felt natural. Moving from Terran to Terra, because it felt right. And I am largely feeling happier as such.
Yet maybe it is connected to being depressed, or lonely. Or many other things. But for nearly 15 years now I have had issues with both gender, and depression. So maybe it goes hand in hand.
I guess I was lucky. Puberty didn't really hit me till late 14/15.
Didn't grow facial or body hair till 16/17ish.
So for the greater part of my teen years, I was rather genderless. Which I must admit, due to not understanding why I didn't want to be a boy yet felt more like a girl, I kind of created myself as Agendered. So it seemed right, neither male or female. Since I was about 8 till 17, I was fairly happy, then signs of my male body began to show, the levels of depression increased.
I don't think it helps, I mean there is the fact that not only am I in a strange way Bi-gendered but I am also almost entirely Asexual. Sex is complicated, I don't get any pleasure or positives from it. In fact it makes me feel worse, and I don't particularly feel good that often. But again combined that with Depression and low Self-worth/confidence/esteem I tend to get defensive and I further retreat to becoming Agendered.
I guess it will always be part of my identity. But it does confused me. I end up feeling more and more detached from people. People keep challenging me. Saying I can't be trans. The occasional mistake I can cope with, most people seem to understand and correct themselves or apologise and all is fine. But every tiny knock makes me flee for the safety of being Agendered.
And in turn that makes me feel more depressed, because I feel like I am being split into two parts. The part that is very much Terra and the part that is very much Leslie. Almost two separate Identities at times. And then there is the Asexualness, I know it is always going to complicate relationships. And it does make me feel that there are things I will never understand.
I guess I am always meant to be two halves of the same coin. Black and white I guess.
