Genderqueerness

I feel blank, null, with out clear definition. Grey. Void.

You get used to being something and someone. And then for some reason you just feel somewhere between or outside of things. I know most of the time I am largely female. I would say about 85% of the time. 10% I am nothing. I guess I got used to not being anything, excluding and being excluded. I guess for a lot of my life I was nothing. I was the grey creature. Not male enough to be male, not female enough to be a girl. Just a creature or a character in a story. The other 5% Makes even less sense. It isn't female, male, nothing but it is something. Something greater or stranger. Something that I don't feel is all that human.

I read a lot. Mainly Sci Fi ans stuff.
I love how aliens and things can have multiple genders. I am also intrigued with the idea of creatures like Deamons, genderless beings that can inhabit someones body. Maybe this void and blankness for me I relate it to this kind of thing. No I don't think I am possessed.I am more fascinated with the concept of both none gender and other gender. A part of me is as such. But I can't think of a way to describe it, because it isn't a male part at all. Other than my body there is nothing really male left about me.

This as you can possibly imagine makes me then question my sexuality. Most of the time I am nonesxual, just flirty etc. And more often than not a pleaser. But when I kind of reach to the Genderqueerness I find that the issues with my genitals vanish. I don't particularly like what I have, but with a sudden rush of lust I kind of make do with it. But when in the GQ zone the associated Trangst isn't there. There is still very little pleasure but it kind of makes me feel weird, the voidness at least. But I also become some kind of sexually driven Pansexual creature. Weird eh?

Maybe I am destined to just drift about through life never always being one thing. Or at least for the foreseeable future. Maybe this is just how things are going to be till I get on to Hormones, or T blockers to be more accurate, maybe the feeling would be driven from me then?

All I know is that I am very much in that Grey zone, and have been for a while. Maybe it is the waiting, being half one things and still being the other?

Exclusion

I have been bullied for a very long time.
I just about every way that you can think of.
Physical, name calling, threats, mental abuse, sexual abuse. You name it I have experienced some form of it at some point in my life.

But for me personally what I find worse is Exclusion. It is disgusting. Maybe it is the fact that I have a fair few siblings and have always played games together and stuff, but I think to purposely ignore someone is just wrong. It is rude. And rather vile. Don't get me wrong I am far from perfect. But even on a site designed to support and help someone, I am finding that I am largely ignored. This came to a point when a senior member asked if it bothered me that I seem to be being excluded. Yes it bloody well does.

So why the rant out of the blue? Well went to B.yoU tonight. But for some unknown reason it didn't seem to be running, none of the workers were there. But the 3 of us that did turn up we chatted and got invited to join a youth group that was there and running. They seemed like such unusual young people. They respected each other, they weren't argumentative and they gave each other the chance to talk and be involved. Which from the other youth projects I have been too, is completely abnormal. There is normally a lot of bitching and fighting going on. So being asked to be involved was nice. But there was a young lad, the workers didn't seem to know what to do with him, he seemed to be both self exclusive and they seemed to exclude him a little too. It just bothered me, because I hate the fact that it happens to me.

I will never say I am the most social or the greatest company, but being ignored and left out really does hurt. I guess I am not the most wonderful person to know, but still it doesn't make it right or fair. Same with people I was once, or at least I felt, a good friend too, just blocking me, removing me as a friend etc. Leaves me feeling abandoned. Maybe my issues are with loneliness?

Anyway here is a link to my vlog.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PD_an4PYd6E

Games Day 2010

Fucking hell!!!!

Possibly one of the most amazing days I have ever had in my life. Barring the no sleep, I have had one of the most exciting days I have had in a very long time.

Today was Games Day. Games Workshop's massive convention. A room, well the LG Arena filled with noisy and excited wargamers. And then there was me.

I am socially anxious at the best of times, and unfamiliar people really scare me. So why did I decided to do it?

Firstly I love my hobbies. I got to see some wonderful models and stuff.
Secondly and more importantly I was with one of my best friends. First time I met her in person too. She is tall, but so beautiful, even if she was dressed as a dirty Heretic!



That is her on the left. In full costume lol. She helped to make a good day Excellent and fantastic! I love you to bits Kara!!!

I also met my favourite Author and got one of my favourite books signed too! Among some other signatures in my Inquisition source book. Saw some fantastic examples of painted models in the Golden Deamon cabinets. Oh and a life size moving Space Marine!!!

Yeah this blog is just about being a massive fangirl.
Not going to even let the fact that I did get crushed, proded and I think felt up in the forgeworld que... bother me! It has been one of the most fantastic days of my life. Things I love with awesome company what could actually be better than that?

Time in focus

So I am ever try to change from the person I was. In fact a year ago tomorrow I was a very different person. I was in a dangerous place and I was well rather self destructive. Why because I didn't want to admit I was trans. Stupid I know. But like it was difficult, maybe denying it was my own way of handling it. But that came to head on the 28th of September last year. I guess a strange anniversary to remember. Because it was the day I admitted it. And the day I nearly died.

Not a good time. I was not in the worlds greatest place. I was at the time in a relationship with someone highly dependant and massively self-abusive. I was just starting Uni and having issues with the Mothering unit about being queer. I will admit I tried to Over Dose on a lot of things. I wanted to take the quick way out. I was scared, stressed and I will admit it, I thought myself a freak. Now it is well know the majority of people I get on with are trans. So it seems a little stupid to say that, realising that was what and who I am made me feel that way but it is true. I have always had a massive respect for the trans people I know. But I guess admitting it was well very hard for me.

I also don't like the fact that I became so attention seeking for a good few weeks. Maybe that is because of the fact that I had made myself stupidly vulnerable. And I still tried hard to deny it. And understand it myself.

So things happened, I started to full apart, met some of the most amazing people on this planet. Fell in love twice. Got my heart broken. Had my life fucked over. And all that Jazz. But at long last, I think since the End of Feb. I took control. Dealt with so much, that some people find it amazing how I coped. I met the people I know I would die for, or at least a few of them. People who I feel are and were strong for me, in my hours of need. People who just wanted to help. I know I have miles to come till things are better if I am honest but I will get there.

I realised that the 26/10 is the day that things will start to get real for me, in terms of Transgenderism. But that day is also the day that I first met Karl in person, last year. A lot of things have happened since then. I don't think I am anything like the person I was then. 13 months of knowing that I have the wrong body to gender combination and my life is finally about to start working out as I need it to.

I have spoken to Wigan College, more particularly the Health & Beauty Director. I have asked about being a test subject for Hair removal treatments. She said it was unusual but will get back to me. I feel this is an important step, in the grand scheme of things as I need to start making some personal changes so that I can get to a point where as I can attempt to try and pass etc. So Fingers crossed. I have also spoken to PALs about getting some voice coaching up here in Wigan. They said they will see what they can do about it too.

And today. Well Today I am going to go and fight the hard wired Social Anxiety issue. I am going to go and spend the day in the company of thousands of crazy and wonderful wargaming, model building and paint geeks! For today is Games Day. And something that is both highly exciting and a little scary for me! Even if most of the wargamers I know think I have one of the most epic names ever....

So a journey though my Trans history. How I have gotten to where I am now. It has all finally fallen into place.

It is safe to say I am scared and excited at the things to come.

Friendships :D

Have you ever thought about how you know people?
The ones that make all the difference, the important and wonderful ones?

Most of my close friends, the ones I would choose to hang out with, the ones I would do my best to help. I have met from QYN. Or via members on here. Until a year and a bit ago, I didn't really have friends. Not till I joined here and B.yoU at least. I know moving is going to cost me a few associates and the odd friend and mean I don't see most of them often. I know it is but a year till I can go to uni. I am still thinking Sheffield. I have friends there. And I know others who are heading that way too.

But I am going to be brutal here. If it wasn't for the members The Target (Kal), Reaper666 (Karl) and Superboi (George). I would still very much be alone. I wouldn't have the people in my life who I can spend hours talking to or even days spending time with. Those three people have helped me meet some wonderful people. And are in fact wonderful people too. But without Kal I wouldn't have met Saka, El or Carlisle.

Those four people, I tend to try and meet up with at least once a month, hopefully back to twice a month soon. Before I move to MK. But guess what, you are not losing me that easy! Hehe even if it does cost me more (well actually not that much more thanks to young person rail card!) I still plan to see you as often as possible. You are four of the most amazing people I know.

And George, I would like to get to know you better too! You seem like a fairly interesting guy. And thanks to you I met Ty, who I spend way to long talking to because he is interesting too!

And well Karl, we shall just see how things go I think. I am likely to be about and near to you for most of the next year! Happy times!

Things is moving to MK, I will be able to see some of the other amazing people I know a bit more too. I am still close enough to get to Chesterfield and to Nottingham as well, by train at least. But there are some people I know down south I also do get on with. So being able to spend time with them would be nice too.

I guess I think about friendships a lot more than some people, because until May last year, I didn't have any. And I guess some part of me feels they will be torn down and away from me. Maybe I am a little weird, maybe a bit dependant on those people I have let close to me. But I never had it before. At all.

I love the people I have in my life right now. They truly are amazing people =D

Outcast

Outcast - somebody who has been rejected by a group or by society.

That is me. An Outcast, a radical and a malcontent.
I know all of this, part of the reason I cause so many problems for people, and argue and things. I have lived a life full of destruction and wrath. And now it seems that it is come full circle.

I think my diabetes has begun to fail me. I am losing my sense of touch. And it is still impossible thanks to the bloody cuts that where made at the start of the year to see the diabetic team. I have been waiting since Jan to see them! And I have to wait till November! For Fuck Sake!

Most people bearly know me if I am honest. The few I let close well, don't get the full story. But for years I have been battling many deamons. Depression, the diabetes and gender et all. I don't know how much more resources I have left. I have been over stretched and all but drained.

And then there is the social part. I miss my friends, yet I am pushing them away. Again several reason why. But I am not even going to say what they are.

I am just sorry.

Books

I thought I would share something completely insane and special to me.
Books.

I love them. Always have done so.
Particularly Sci-fi and fantasy books.
It is one of the few things that I have love since I was little.

Since getting so involved with Games Workshop. I have began to read all of the books that I can. It is hard to decide if I love wargames and models or books more. I guess really my love is for both of them.



My mountain of books. About half of all the books I own, they are just the ones from the black library. I guess books have always been an escape. As much as painting and wargaming is. I can be the greatest hero, experience the most wonderful adventures and well not have to deal with the troubles I have and the issues that often all but consume me. Maybe I have been looking hard to find away out of this life, but not taking that finite route. Because things have to get better someday?

At least I cling to that hope. Everyday. It is what keeps me going.

Books are such wonders.

Ah I have been away for a couple of days

So yeah I have been not blogging, at least no on here for a few days.

I have started to shrink away a bit. Just feeling mildly trangsty and a little frustrated with some issues at present. My life seems to go from moments of boredom to the other extreme. I guess I wish things could be changed but maybe I should just get used to the fact that people are going to be pretty horrid about me for a long time to come.

Maybe I am paying for the sins of a past life. Maybe if I believed that was true, I don't know any more. My mechanisms for coping with life have long since ceased to function. Maybe I do need a brand new start. Or to find an end. I am not talking suicide here, I am talking an end to my suffering and awkwardness. I wish I could blame myself for the things that have been going wrong but I find it hard to do so. Because it isn't just my fault.

There are many issues going on in my life. But somethings are beginning to get awkward. They are beginning to hit me again. Harder than they did when they first came about. I am steadily being consumed be an ungodly wrath. I am hating and being eaten by it entirely. I hate feeling this negative. This bitter.

Bollocks.

I know I shouldn't have to keep fighting every tiny little thing. I wish I didn't have to really. But it seems I am destined to have to. Fight to be who I am, fight to live in peace, fight to not have to feel paranoid by the mechanisms of others. Fight to have a sense of self worth. I fight for my very right to exist everyday. And while I haven't been defeated yet. There is time for everything. And Chance...

I don't know. I feel like part of me is falling apart. I feel dead if I am honest. Or I that I have nothing to really look forward to in life. Some may have known that I have been having issues with love/lust etc but there are even more complications...

But I am not getting into them.

My cries go unheard. My voice is silent. My emotions never make a sound. I can do great things to many people. But one has to learn how to get the best from me. I can be very old or brand new. But wisdom and knowledge I do contain. What am I?

Oh Bollocks.

What the fucking hell does me head want?

Why is it running itself in complex designs?

Fuck, fuck fuck!

Everything is completely complicating itself. And for once I haven't made it so! Well not by action at least. Emotionally I really wish I could understand what I want and stuff. But how can I understand something that I just can't?

This of course is putting strain on my mind. And making me question my own values. Among other things.

There are a few people who I am confused over. Two of them it is no wonder or nothing new about, I have made it pretty clear how I feel about them. Two of them both now how I feel about them but there are issues complicating it. And then there are two others were it is hard to explain. And yeah I know people are going to read this and ask who! But if you know me then you will know I will merely pull a licky face and say that I am not saying :P

Why am I such an Emotional cripple and coward?
That said there is way too much other crap inside my head (seriously the Fragile by NIN....) just discord at present. Maybe I need someone older? Or emotionally able to deal with an emotional cripple? I don't know!

And still no one has said.

Why is a Raven like a writing desk?

Uni Ponderings

Bournemouth, Bradford, Hull. Sheffield, Southhampton, West London and Aberdeen. Those are my choices.

Or rather the ones that offer Nursing Diploma.

I am in the process of sorting it all out again, UCAS is a pain in the arse. That means selling myself with the Personal Statement. I wish I still had my old one, but alas Computer Reboot lost me that.

I hate trying to sort out this side of it. I don't think that I can sell myself very well at all really. So that is just beginning to get started again.

I am also in need of picking up some practical experience somewhere, this has led to talking to the hospitals and my GP surgery to see if I can get some form of Work Exp so that I can prove that I have an interest in care work etc.

Mind both the Woman who is in charge of Student Support from Wigan College and my youth worker have given me good advice. The woman from college said that I should apply for Mental Health Nursing, as I have life experience in that area. My youth worker said the opposite that I should do Adult nursing instead, as untill my personal issues are settled, I may have difficulties dealing with other people with Mental Health issues.

Me I can see both of their points and have taken them on board. I am still undecided at present.

On the choice of the Unis mind, I am drawn to Sheffield if I am honest. The others I may go to the Open Days for etc and have a look at them, other than Aberdeen, because no way in hell am I going back to Scotland, let alone living on the North Sea Coast!

I think I will just work out what I want to go for as I do my personal Statement, I have till the end of the month I think, at least.

Boredom and loneliness.

I miss my friends.
They live so far away, and I find it difficult not seeing them as often as one might like too do. Once or twice a month is all I can manage, because of finances.

Bleh

This leaves me feeling a bit distant, I guess that I kick off at times because I am so used to having to fight for everything. Always have had to, I mean I am one of 5 siblings, and the one who has typically come last. I am not the oldest or youngest, I am not straight, or "normal" even by the stands of this family. I am not a cis girl. I am not the most aggressive one either. All I am is a queer. I am some what high functioning, my IQ is rather high compared to European Average. Yet even with that, I more often than not go ignored. Such is my life I guess.

I have little idea how to function without fighting. Arguing, chaos and it all. Just I guess become my typical manner to deal with lives issues and other things. Maybe I shouldn't be programmed this way at all. But when you have had to be this kind of person for so long, it is so hard to not be that, if that makes sense.

I know must people will not ever be able to understand what it is like to live inside my own head. I know that I actually don't tend to talk about it out loud either. I never tell people how I actually feel. Or much really. I know that I am a rather cold and aloof person, and the end of things, I do make more enemies than friends. I make no apologies of the person that I have sculptured into. Live a life of hardship and it will leave you broken I guess.

Someone said that I shouldn't blog if I don't want people to comment on them. I have 200+ articles. Most of them go uncommented. I do not blog for the sake of getting peoples input. No rather I do it so that I can actually get things off my chest, because I don't like to argue as much as I used to. Blogging is the one resource I have that calms me down, and keeps me going.

I don't like to be alone.

26/10/10

41 days. 41 days till I go to the GIC in Nottingham.

It does feel like a long time ago when I tried to overdose, spoke to someone on the phone about a completely unrelated matter, and began the realisation of who and what I am.

I have had a lot of change in this period, some of it good bits of it no so good. I have felt what love is and I have felt heart brake. I suffered at the hands of a megalomaniac youth worker. I have been forced to drop out of uni, and yes I suffered massive set backs with local NHS and stuff.

But at last things are and have fallen into place. I have my deed poll and bank cards with my chosen name on. I have my appointment at long last. I have some of the most wonderful and amazing friends on the face of this planet. And life seems to be heading in the right direction.

:D

Love

Love
Lust
In Love

Three things that should be the same, but are so completely different.
I am to put it simply emotionally challenged.
There are a few people that I am crippled with feelings over. I think they largely know who they are and stuff. And that is part of why the complex mixture of Love/Lust/In Love is starting to grind on me. Too much so!

Sigh

Why can it not be simple, A meets B, they go on a date, they have nice bond/good chemistry, they decided to see each other so more and eventually fall completely in love. And then the lust can happily blend in with it. You know the relationship they spew out in films. Why can I not have a low drama relationship where I can feel loved, be in love with and lust after the person I am with?

I know head fuck for an Asex person, but I never said sex with someone. I much prefer the foreplay, as that can go on for hours, and hours without any point of climax. And if it happens, heh who cares really. I mean sounds odd I know. Just like I know that other people need the sexual side of a relationship at times too. I just can live without it, but I am happy to please someone else. Just who I am.

A few people have asked me to write erotic/sex stories for them. the ones who have seen them have said that they are great or decent. I don't know why I have no idea about that side of a relationship, I tend to just do as I am told and asked and do it as well as I can. But then I have only had three semi sexual partners and one that I have gone all the way with. I guess I just write what seems to work and feels right.

But I do wonder. Maybe people are right about me. That I am incapable of truly loving someone else. Or that I am high to maintain, as I need so much pleasure in a relationship, and if it dips, I get frustrated and often self-aggressive. I guess that I actually have no idea of what I want or need. But this then increases my confusion and frustration.

I am the queer human being. And I am perhaps a frustrating human being too. I can only imagine how dealing with someone who is so variable and unpredictable in life can only be to deal with.

Such is the miracle of life. I get confused with the maze I walk in at times. And I am more often than not so very lost.

The 100th post.

So who thought I would actually reach 100th post?

So thanks to everyone who does read and who has been supportive of me over the months. It really means a lot. In the last 16 months I have met some incredible people. Some who are always seen and thanked. Others I have missed but not truly forgotten. Everyone I have met online and in person has done something for me. Even if the people have turned out to be massive douches or exs.

I have learnt a lot about who and what I am. I am me, An agendered female personalitied person. I have some wonderful close friends. And I have born a grudge for a very long time. I have a strange, dysfunctional family but I wouldn't trade them for anyone else.

Yes I have done somethings that I probably shouldn't have done. And got involved with people I shouldn't have. But I think every think I have experience has been for some reason. I have become pragmatic and perhaps vindictive at times. But then if you have been through what I have been through you would understand that that is the only way to be. Unfortunately I don't forget wrongs and things done to me, by anyone and while it takes time to formulate a plan of action. I will right those wrongs. Time and time again. Because I cannot tolerate injustice, no matter how small.

This creature has reached the stage after pupation. While I am far from the most beautiful thing to emerge. I am keen, and sure of many things. And I will carry on fighting for what I feel is right, no matter how hard I have to do that.

I have no idea where life is going to go from this point. But I shall enjoy the ride

To the QYN founders.

So I know that my blog entry has caused a storm of chaos, but I really couldn't care.

I am curious mind, do anyone who has desires to usurp the founders actually know what they do?

Other than the web stuff of course?

I have a slight insight into what they actually do do. Through experience. Some will know of the difficult period I had at the start of this year. Most of you will not know of the support that I was provided by both Michael and David during that period. Neither of them had any obligation to be there and support me, other than I was a QYN member. I went through so much stress, yet they both did what they could with LGBT Youth North West and Manchester City Council.

I know that it was taxing on me. And I didn't ask either of them to get involved but they did. Because they felt it was in my best interests. I am fucking glad that they did support me, because truth be told I hit rock bottom during that period. But Michael helped a lot with the stress I had to go through.

And since then I have still had support from the founders because they are both amazingly nice guys, who's hearts are there to care about the members of this forum. Would anyone else actually be able to deal with some of the issues I went through in that period? No I don't think so.

And yes Mikey has been a massive help to me too. A lot more recently mind, but has always been there when I have felt so low. He is one of the nicest and most experienced members on here, and again, few people can put up with the shit that someone on the suicide edge goes through, but he has.

So like before you try to start a mutiny, you should actually think of the roles these three actually fill. And all the things that they may well have to do, to help members. I know I most likely wouldn't be here without the constant support that I have recieved from all three of them. Support I have had from my close friends too, but it has meant a lot coming from genuine Samaritans.

How many others could actually be a True Samaritan?

Fresh.

I am starting to feel like I am becoming a new person.

I guess I should talk about the person I was.
I used to be silent, self absorbed and violent. I also used to be envious and highly aggressive. I used to be a complete lone wolf.
But then a life time of bullying will make you in to a cruel and pragmatic person. How else would you survive. I will admit I have never bullied another, but then again I was isolated and an outcast.

I have learnt to deal with those part of me. Keep them under control.
I also feel that I have been come something a little bit more polite and a bit more capable of handling myself. I have let my more positive things shine though.
I try hard to help those I care about in every way that is possible. I have learnt how to trust other people. I have learnt who the people I can depend on are and who my friends are too.

I have also returned to my original dreams of wanting to help people. To me this means doing nursing. I might try and see what other things I can get over the next year too. But I want to do what I can to make my life better.

I am who I am. And Proud of that fact.

So is it just me or does this seem fucked up?

"This is an open letter I've run past other volunteers at the QYLSE meet today. We've been discussing what we want to do within QYN and we all feel there's a s serious problem with leadership. We all want to be more active but feel we can't do anything without official say-so and we just aren't receiving the support we need."

Fair enough. But what of the rest of forum? I mean there are lots of other people, yet they have been overlooked completely. Why does LSE seem to think that it is more important than the rest of the country?

"Once upon a time QYN was amazingly popular and loved by its members. These days people are saying that if it wasn't for London meets, they wouldn't bother. They're saying the site is too complicated and they aren't getting the support or social interaction they need. I don't think it's too melodramatic to say that QYN is dying around you."

Funnily, It was popular, before LSE members started to become Moderators and in fact most of the volunteers of the forum. Again there are other areas to the country but clique voting tend to cause members from one area to be elected into positions off power, which then makes other members feel pushed of the site.

"There are two main problems – lack of leadership and the site. There are so many people who really want to give back to the community that has given them so much. For example, Avery and myself were discussing the need for a head volunteer role that we were willing to share. We would organise who was doing what role, and deal with membership issues – a role that is desperately needed. We then find that the role has been given to someone else, someone no one really knows or trusts, without any consultation. We worry that this person is not at all suitable for the role and that Avery and my idea was completely passed over without any explanation – especially when we were told it was being considered."

And you think that these two, untrained, none youth worker background members would be qualified to be able to monitor and manage other young volunteers? No I don't think that would be safe or sensible. Maybe you should actually get to know the person chosen for the role and their background, because believe me, the right man for the job.

QYN is far from perfect, but if the LSE members seem to have a belief that the rest of the forum don't count, should they truly be able or responsible to make the decisions for the rest of the forum, the founders are doing what they do and doing it rather well mind. Yes there are improvements but they should be decided among the entirety not among 55%.

The four Muskequeers strike again!

Four QYNers.
Three of the greatest friends I have, in the world ever. While there where four Muskequeers, there is now a 5th. A young member I have met a few times and is rather awesome.



The Original four. With me on the left :P



The new five :P
Things are getting better.
It was lovely spending the entire day with some of the most amazing people on the planet.

And a quick game of 40k which I won too! All in all a very good day!

Thoughts born of boredom.

I have been thinking.
About a lot of nothing.

I guess life has kind of stopped a little. Mind maybe I have reached the point where I have just gotten lonely and that is why the boredom is hitting me harder.

So yeah I got my Games Day ticket, and the mini that comes with it. Spent the evening painting it too!

Tomorrow I am off to see Saka, Kal and others too!

Hopefully I will feel more alive after the weekend.

Here's to hope.

Change, Transformation, Mutation, and Evolution

I guess I am seeing how life is beginning to change. They might be changing slowly, but things are starting to change at last.

So why am I thinking about things.

I am thinking about many things to do with the title.

Changing address and other things, making new friends and a fresh start again. One that I feel like I have earned at long last. Been through my hard times, massively difficult and stressing times this year. So of you know the details, but it has been one of the most taxing periods of my life. I feel like I have aged more in the last year then I have done in 21 of the others.

On Paper at least I have begun to transition, I am saving cash up towards getting my facial hair at least lasered off at least. That said also applying for as many jobs as I can with the hope of getting one at least. I would like to earn my money and make use of my time at least. Getting frustrated with having nothing to do.

It has been 18 months since I last saw the Diabetic people, and they have at long last sent me through an appointment, so I guess I will talk to them about any issues that might come up with Transitioning, and get them to follow it up as well as getting the GP to do it. I will get my referral sorted out. Soon.

I guess I really have evolved from the slightly confused and irrational person I was 18 months ago. I am never going to be people perfect, or in fact liked by the majority. But if I choose to get involved with someone who feels the same, it really is none of anyone else's business. If things happen they will happen. I always give my whole and best to who ever I am involved with. So remember it has nothing to do with you, or anyone else, bar me and them.

Change is coming.

Some good news at least....

Well seems Lloyds TSB are keen to take care of Trans individuals.
I went and changed my name last week, on Friday I think it was.
This of course meant reordering my bank cards.

Well they came this morning.


Rather pleased with that to be honest. Will be seeing if I can get an appointment with my GP to change my name on the NHS and stuff, tomorrow. And to chase my referral up too.

Still not feeling up to communication much really. Just keeping myself busy really. All I can do, it will pass again, just feel the need to be alone. Saka and Karl I know you will both read this, thanks for being there when I need you, it is nice to know that some people do care. And are almost as stubborn as me so will wait it out with me.

I will hopefully see you Saka and co this weekend. I will let you know how I am feeling when it comes to it.

Is it strange that love is the only thing that shines in the darkness?

Still feel broken...

Have you ever wanted to understand the things you feel.

But know you cannot?

That is were I am, stuck in the middle of nothing.
Just not feeling, not knowing and all that jazz.

Argh!

I wish I didn't feel so numb.

It has been two years since my nan passed. Two hard long years, there is a void in my life. So clear around Christmas yet it just seems to effect me. The rest of the family seem to have moved on. I haven't mind, I don't know how to. It is the same with Sarah I just can't seem to move on from it.

Emotions are bloody twisted.

Distance...

So like I hoped this year might be different, but alas the grief is kicking in again.

So I am withdrawing deep inside myself, as that is how I handle myself and my emotional responses to people and situations.
I am lacking the desire to want to talk to people at all if I am honest. It isn't anything personal, I just don't feel conversational. I mean maybe I just need a quick brake to let my mind work itself out.

As some do know, I don't know how to handle grief really, some people tell me that I should talk about it, explain how I feel and stuff. It doesn't work for me, I have tried it a lot. I can't explain what I do not understand. And I really don't understand why these two blocks of grief, the one that hits me in July and this one keep coming back, and why they still hurt and make me feel alone.

Just confusing.

So sorry people, I am going to go and allow my head to work its way through it again. Just wish I knew how to make sense of what is in my head at these times. I have tried talking through it, very much, but it doesn't work for me, at all. I just need some time and space to work myself out again.

Grief is unique to us all.

This is the 90th blog in just about 3 months...

Yeah that shows the volume of my need to blog really.
I tend to do it everyday. I guess it is my therapeutic outlet.

Anyway lets take a quick look at what has gone on in the last few weeks so that I can clearly see what is going on in my life.

I have changed my name via deed poll. It might have cost me a bit, but I am glad I did it the way I did. As I spent yesterday walking about changing my name in various places and I had no problems anywhere.

I have had my initial psych appointment and got a diagnoses of sorts. I have come out to my mum and I will be seeing the GP on Monday to find out what is going on.

I guess I need to think about what I want to do in the next 12 weeks, my last most likely in the near future. Because by the end of November we are definitely to move to Milton Keynes. I am looking forward to this, mind I would like to get some things sorted, maybe sort out a job for when I move down there. It would be nice to work any where really. I just would like a job. Being a healthcare assistant would be best, but I would happily go full time into retail, admin etc.

I don't really now how long it might take to to get into the GIC system, I fear moving will fuck it up. But we shall see.

I need Pepsi Max.

...

What a fantastic Trans related day!

So yeah I went about changing my name on paper.

Firstly DWP.
I thought these bunch would be pains in the arse they often are. They didn't give me a straight answer over the phone, meaning I had to go into the office to sort it out. The line mangers in there are always polite and helpful. But they were even more so. They took me through the changing of name and title on their systems. They marked it down so that I was highlighted as a special and sensitive case. And said they would make sure that I no longer get referred to as sir on the phone! Win!

Secondly the bank.
I then headed to the bank. They took me into an office and started to get the paperwork sorted out. I then explained about the change of pronouns. Ended up talking about being Transgendered, and dealing with mum and stuff. The woman was dead nice and everything. She even looked to see if there was a neutral title she could put on my statements. We laughed when she said I could always become Rev Terran A L Edwards, as it would be quite against the religious norms. A second win!

Finally college.
Even know I finished with them a year ago. They were still pleasant and said they would help me with stuff. I spoke to the woman who is in charge of UCAS Applications about getting on to a degree. I explained about name and gender change and how it had been a contributing factor to leaving Bolton Uni. I talk about needing to do something more practical, she suggested that Diploma in Nursing would probably give me that. She also understood the need to start things medically with transitioning and said that the college will do what they can to support my application.

So all in all, a rather awesome day. Now to get on about my CRB forms and begin volunteering in NHS places.

HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY!!!

The plan.

So like I am sitting here and thinking about what I want to do in the next 12 weeks.

I am slowly doing some painting and getting my various armies complete. So I am thinking I might get some new models, of which I get to build and paint. I am thinking Tanks. Got to love them really. So I would like to get 5 more tanks. Not too bad really and affordable at one every couple of weeks. And so much different to paint than infantry.

And there is possibly Alton Towers this weekend. And then heading to Derby next weekend. At some point I think I will head to Nottingham. One so I can find and familiarise myself with the GIC and the station. And the very lay out of the town. Seems like a good idea, plus I get to meet George too.

Hmm. I think I may also start doing some more writing. And I might do some kind of photography project too. I like to keep myself busy. Stops bad things happening. I guess. Mind I also will be pushing myself to socialise more, and that means that I will be aiming to get more and more games in. Because I know that I need to change somethings in my life. And I don't like feeling so lonely, so logically I think getting more games and mingling with other gamers is and will be a good thing.

Hope is often the first stage in belief.