A song by Tarja the exfront liner for Nightwish.
But I have been thinking. Yes I now should stop that habit really.
But I am ever going to be a square peg in a round hole when it comes to socialising. It does complicate life. I feel scared to mingle with people.
But it is like I have been thinking. It has been a fair few weeks since I spent time with people I am close to. I miss them, yet part of me, and I know it is happening. I am withdrawing, I felt it at pride. I have felt it for weeks. I know that I used to have people in Manchester that I could hang out with and relate to. But alas some dick lied and then those friendships withered and died. I guess I have been withdrawing from there.
And yet people don't see how much those lies have hurt me. Or the ones from Jan. Between those 6 months I have lost a lot. Not physically (other than a stone and a half of weight) but I have a fair few mental scars left. Trust no longer exists. And I deliberately stay as far away from others as I can. I just don't feel like I fit in with anyone. Anywhere. I just feel alone now.
This causes other problems. I have a great mask online. I am confident, and cheeky. Flirty and stuff. I am the exact opposite of what I am in real-life. I guess I have become a separate online persona. One that is far removed from the weird human I am.
Friends are still a brand new concept to me. I never had them when I was little. I had one or two in my teens. But that was it. I have few real friends now, but some of them actually seem to want to spend time with me. Still freaks me out. At school I was always the bizarre, moody, angsty, largely silent little freak. Some part of me wants to return to being that person. Weird eh?
I just don't want to be alone any more, but I am scared to want to encounter someone I actually want to be with.
Safety is in what we know best.
Tuesday, 31 August 2010
After angst
So yeah earlier I was rather angsty. Trans issues and stuff mixing together.
But I am feeling more at peace now.
Life can be a bitch at times. But I am steadily trying to out weigh negatives with positives. I am trying hard to make some effort to do what trans related things I can. Such as seeing if I can access voice coaching in Wigan. And maybe see if I can get on with hair removal too! Because I am cheeky like that I want and need to get the ball in motion. Because I am also determined to get what I need in from the NHS. I can't afford to go private. Or to take care of some of the highly expensive part.
So I will make an appointment to see my GP on Friday. It will have been 10 days since the Psych appointment. So seems the right time to hassle him over the referral and to well cheekily ask if he can refer me to someone for voice coaching. And maybe look into getting lasered too!
Strange that the idea of being lasered makes me happy really. But it does :p
Excitement is a delightful emotion.
But I am feeling more at peace now.
Life can be a bitch at times. But I am steadily trying to out weigh negatives with positives. I am trying hard to make some effort to do what trans related things I can. Such as seeing if I can access voice coaching in Wigan. And maybe see if I can get on with hair removal too! Because I am cheeky like that I want and need to get the ball in motion. Because I am also determined to get what I need in from the NHS. I can't afford to go private. Or to take care of some of the highly expensive part.
So I will make an appointment to see my GP on Friday. It will have been 10 days since the Psych appointment. So seems the right time to hassle him over the referral and to well cheekily ask if he can refer me to someone for voice coaching. And maybe look into getting lasered too!
Strange that the idea of being lasered makes me happy really. But it does :p
Excitement is a delightful emotion.
Ah the unpleasantness of being male bodied.
Or rather having my body maybe.
I didn't hit puberty till about 16, there seems to be a lack of testosterone in the males in this family. But it is still clear that the effects of T are apparent, mostly because the beard hair grows weirdly and patchy. This makes shaving it difficult. Because the hair grows in different angles and some bits curl all over. So yeah I cut myself nastily this morning. Sigh.
And then to make matters worse, because of this evil sunny weather, and for some cruel twist of fate from being photophobic, my sex drive has gone through the ceiling! And sure enough... that means things have been happening in that area. I have no idea why, but it happens. And I am not exactly small! So argh!
I really do hate being Male bodied at times. Well most of the time, if I am honest. I can't wait till I can begin to transition. I am trying hard to get there and I know I was set back 4 months. But fingers crossed that I can get my first appointment before the inevitable move to Milton Keynes. Fingers crossed for a better future to come for me.
To alter oneself is to find the true person we are.
I didn't hit puberty till about 16, there seems to be a lack of testosterone in the males in this family. But it is still clear that the effects of T are apparent, mostly because the beard hair grows weirdly and patchy. This makes shaving it difficult. Because the hair grows in different angles and some bits curl all over. So yeah I cut myself nastily this morning. Sigh.
And then to make matters worse, because of this evil sunny weather, and for some cruel twist of fate from being photophobic, my sex drive has gone through the ceiling! And sure enough... that means things have been happening in that area. I have no idea why, but it happens. And I am not exactly small! So argh!
I really do hate being Male bodied at times. Well most of the time, if I am honest. I can't wait till I can begin to transition. I am trying hard to get there and I know I was set back 4 months. But fingers crossed that I can get my first appointment before the inevitable move to Milton Keynes. Fingers crossed for a better future to come for me.
To alter oneself is to find the true person we are.
Monday, 30 August 2010
The beginning of something new.
So where is it that my mind has been walking down.
Romance, I guess.
And the queer side of being Asexual.
And issues of Transgenderism.
It is all a jumbled and disorganised pile in my head. I don't think about things in a logical A to B manner. I tend to see things and experience them in a certain manner. One that gives me a chance to understand and handle them all. I need to process everything at my own pace.
I have come to some kind of crossroad.
I meet people I like. Their gender isn't important, I accept anything and everything. Because that is who I am. But I know that people have a lot of issues with how I present. I guess genderfuck is the most adequate term. It isn't cheap being Trans. And for a MtF it feels even worse because one of the most important things is facial/body hair and getting rid of it is not cheap. So this in part makes me resist and hold back from even trying beyond the internet.
I know that some people accept me for what I am, and how I identify as. But I find it hard. I tend to be wrapped up in layers of clothing. I am more prone to trangst than I pretend or show. But I try very hard to just keep going. I work through it time and time again. Because that is what I need to do. I fight through stuff a lot really.
Guess I am scared by it, that maybe mum is right.
A mind that walks in darkness needs to be illuminated.
Romance, I guess.
And the queer side of being Asexual.
And issues of Transgenderism.
It is all a jumbled and disorganised pile in my head. I don't think about things in a logical A to B manner. I tend to see things and experience them in a certain manner. One that gives me a chance to understand and handle them all. I need to process everything at my own pace.
I have come to some kind of crossroad.
I meet people I like. Their gender isn't important, I accept anything and everything. Because that is who I am. But I know that people have a lot of issues with how I present. I guess genderfuck is the most adequate term. It isn't cheap being Trans. And for a MtF it feels even worse because one of the most important things is facial/body hair and getting rid of it is not cheap. So this in part makes me resist and hold back from even trying beyond the internet.
I know that some people accept me for what I am, and how I identify as. But I find it hard. I tend to be wrapped up in layers of clothing. I am more prone to trangst than I pretend or show. But I try very hard to just keep going. I work through it time and time again. Because that is what I need to do. I fight through stuff a lot really.
Guess I am scared by it, that maybe mum is right.
A mind that walks in darkness needs to be illuminated.
Saturday, 28 August 2010
Difficulties of understanding what I am at times.
So pride.
A celebration and a protest and a demonstration for everything Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Trans related. It also covers pretty much everything else, Questioning, curious and Queer.
But something is always missing.
Asexuality. Or Demisexuality or nonesexuality. Whatever it is called, it isn't recognised at any pride event I have been too. In fact it is bearly recognised anywhere.
I more often than not I say Queer when people ask. Because it is so difficult to explain what I am. But there are reasons why I am what I am. I am Asexual. A fair few people have told me that I can possibly by Ase. That because I have a sex drive of sorts, because I have had sex etc that I can't possibly be Asexual. Well having looked into it a lot, I have learnt that having a sex drive doesn't make me any less Ase, in fact not having one is a sign of a worse condition.
The fact of the matter is I am not comfortable being touched, in certain areas and on my bear skin etc. I love hugs and snuggling, kissing etc but not being touched. Some may find that weird, but there is also the fact that I have experienced no pleasure from sex or sexual acts, but I have from other sources.
I don't know, I just found it weird, that no one really cares, other than projects like AVEN and the Asexual Project on QYN, about the sexuality of Asexual people.
A mind that thinks is full of life.
A celebration and a protest and a demonstration for everything Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Trans related. It also covers pretty much everything else, Questioning, curious and Queer.
But something is always missing.
Asexuality. Or Demisexuality or nonesexuality. Whatever it is called, it isn't recognised at any pride event I have been too. In fact it is bearly recognised anywhere.
I more often than not I say Queer when people ask. Because it is so difficult to explain what I am. But there are reasons why I am what I am. I am Asexual. A fair few people have told me that I can possibly by Ase. That because I have a sex drive of sorts, because I have had sex etc that I can't possibly be Asexual. Well having looked into it a lot, I have learnt that having a sex drive doesn't make me any less Ase, in fact not having one is a sign of a worse condition.
The fact of the matter is I am not comfortable being touched, in certain areas and on my bear skin etc. I love hugs and snuggling, kissing etc but not being touched. Some may find that weird, but there is also the fact that I have experienced no pleasure from sex or sexual acts, but I have from other sources.
I don't know, I just found it weird, that no one really cares, other than projects like AVEN and the Asexual Project on QYN, about the sexuality of Asexual people.
A mind that thinks is full of life.
Pride Manchester 2010...
SO I just got back.
Hardly took any photos all day (took 2!).
Which is very strange for me, I am normally a massive shutterbug.
The prade was long and awesome, nothing like walking proud with people you have gotten to know well. And while it was my second Manchester Pride, it is alas my last. That is part of the reason I walked with the youth group this year. It felt right and I am proud to have done so. I also got to meet some people I know, even if I was less than politely greeted by some, not that it matters. I am not likely to see them again any time, and if they want to be childish so be it.
Anyway I hate the weather, been off and on all day meaning it has played hell with my systems. One of the poor youth workers ended up having a hypo right at the start of the prade, To be honest that kind of freaked me out, I mean I have never seen myself have one, but from what I have been told, I am worse than the poor lad. A little bit of a wake up call, I guess. More so as my body started to go into Hypo spiral by the end of the prade. Weather does funny things it seems.
I spent the afternoon trailing round with the under 18 B.yoU members. Mainly because we were two staff down, and I am not a big crowd kind of drinker (neither do I drink alone for that matter what is the point eh?) so I volunteered to just help keep an eye on the young ones. Anyway I spent the afternoon, talking to the young Trans member, he is a sharp lad, has an idea where he is going etc. Smart lad for 13. We walked about the Expo Centre, collecting free stuff, chatting to some people. I got into a conversation about Trans Support Places, and talked to a Trans Minister, so I will say it, "God loves Trans People!"
I then headed off to meet a great mate for an hour, hadn't seen Oliver in months! Wish I had taken a picture of you mate, you looked bloody incredible and dead handsome, and you passed, my mates thought you where Cis!
Anyway Just a random day, but so much fun!
I couldn't decided which pin suits me really, could of done with finding a trans or bi one. But they were free so I have both :P
A happy mind makes for a content body.
Hardly took any photos all day (took 2!).
Which is very strange for me, I am normally a massive shutterbug.
The prade was long and awesome, nothing like walking proud with people you have gotten to know well. And while it was my second Manchester Pride, it is alas my last. That is part of the reason I walked with the youth group this year. It felt right and I am proud to have done so. I also got to meet some people I know, even if I was less than politely greeted by some, not that it matters. I am not likely to see them again any time, and if they want to be childish so be it.
Anyway I hate the weather, been off and on all day meaning it has played hell with my systems. One of the poor youth workers ended up having a hypo right at the start of the prade, To be honest that kind of freaked me out, I mean I have never seen myself have one, but from what I have been told, I am worse than the poor lad. A little bit of a wake up call, I guess. More so as my body started to go into Hypo spiral by the end of the prade. Weather does funny things it seems.
I spent the afternoon trailing round with the under 18 B.yoU members. Mainly because we were two staff down, and I am not a big crowd kind of drinker (neither do I drink alone for that matter what is the point eh?) so I volunteered to just help keep an eye on the young ones. Anyway I spent the afternoon, talking to the young Trans member, he is a sharp lad, has an idea where he is going etc. Smart lad for 13. We walked about the Expo Centre, collecting free stuff, chatting to some people. I got into a conversation about Trans Support Places, and talked to a Trans Minister, so I will say it, "God loves Trans People!"
I then headed off to meet a great mate for an hour, hadn't seen Oliver in months! Wish I had taken a picture of you mate, you looked bloody incredible and dead handsome, and you passed, my mates thought you where Cis!
Anyway Just a random day, but so much fun!
I couldn't decided which pin suits me really, could of done with finding a trans or bi one. But they were free so I have both :P
A happy mind makes for a content body.
Friday, 27 August 2010
Pride and a week of Transness
Pride in 15 hours.
I have put in a fair few hours work on stuff this year. I am rather happy and sad to be part of it. It is my last Pride with the B.yoU project most likely. It is also reconned that it is going to be the last pride for a long time, due to the budget cuts. I have mixed feelings about it.
The B.yoU Project has been something rather important in my life for nearly the last 16 months. It has been a life line, a place where I could socialise, I have had many invaluable chances with them and I have been accepted by the members and staff. They were there for me through a lot of things. Like coming out to my Mum as Queer after climbing a cliff wall. There when I came out as Transgendered. There through the hard parts of dealing with that treacherous hag from Manchester. And yet both members and staff have been highly supportive of me through everything. I am going to miss them, more than I can actually ever show them. I will.
I joined QYN and B.yoU at the same time. May last year. I have been though fuck loads of stuff since then. I have grown more in 16 months than I did in 20 years. I have found out who I am. And what I am made of. I am determined, persistent and a little depressed. But I am much more. I am someone who is capable of having friendships and romantic relationships. I can cope under extreme pressure and negativity for long periods of time. Yes I will admit I have had issues with Self Harm, but never with self loathing, I have always respected myself I guess.
I have evolved and mutated from that weird, silent long haired boything, to a socially capable young transwoman. And things can only improve over time. I have direction and purpose in my life again. And I will do what I can to become a better evolved and balanced person. Emotionally I do move from one to the other. But I have done that for years, but I know how to deal with the bad times and the good. I do manage to fight the urge to Harm myself and 99% of the time I win. Because I know that I have to. I am not as vulnerable as I have been. There are reasons for that, They are called friends and support. I have them both.
I will move to Milton Keynes come November. And I will get involved with stuff down that way. But I will miss what I have built here in Wigan.
A journey should be experienced. Because there is more to it than just the travel from A to B.
I have put in a fair few hours work on stuff this year. I am rather happy and sad to be part of it. It is my last Pride with the B.yoU project most likely. It is also reconned that it is going to be the last pride for a long time, due to the budget cuts. I have mixed feelings about it.
The B.yoU Project has been something rather important in my life for nearly the last 16 months. It has been a life line, a place where I could socialise, I have had many invaluable chances with them and I have been accepted by the members and staff. They were there for me through a lot of things. Like coming out to my Mum as Queer after climbing a cliff wall. There when I came out as Transgendered. There through the hard parts of dealing with that treacherous hag from Manchester. And yet both members and staff have been highly supportive of me through everything. I am going to miss them, more than I can actually ever show them. I will.
I joined QYN and B.yoU at the same time. May last year. I have been though fuck loads of stuff since then. I have grown more in 16 months than I did in 20 years. I have found out who I am. And what I am made of. I am determined, persistent and a little depressed. But I am much more. I am someone who is capable of having friendships and romantic relationships. I can cope under extreme pressure and negativity for long periods of time. Yes I will admit I have had issues with Self Harm, but never with self loathing, I have always respected myself I guess.
I have evolved and mutated from that weird, silent long haired boything, to a socially capable young transwoman. And things can only improve over time. I have direction and purpose in my life again. And I will do what I can to become a better evolved and balanced person. Emotionally I do move from one to the other. But I have done that for years, but I know how to deal with the bad times and the good. I do manage to fight the urge to Harm myself and 99% of the time I win. Because I know that I have to. I am not as vulnerable as I have been. There are reasons for that, They are called friends and support. I have them both.
I will move to Milton Keynes come November. And I will get involved with stuff down that way. But I will miss what I have built here in Wigan.
A journey should be experienced. Because there is more to it than just the travel from A to B.
Wednesday, 25 August 2010
Back to square one.
I am the first to admit, that I am somewhat vulnerable, if mainly to my own mind and stuff. But as many will know, yesterday I had my long awaited psych appointment. He ran through a lot of things, Autism, Bi-polar disorder, Psychosis and paranoia. He ruled them out, all of them. Other than depression in his opinion I am mentally sound. In fact he pointed out that Transgenderism and Depression go hand in hand.
But last night, Mum had an argument with my stepdad, and took that out on me. Calling into question my transgenderism. And being unfair to me, for the fact I am not what I seem or should be, in her eyes. Anyway this made me trangst like mad, and I went from incredibly happy to well incredibly unhappy. Which meant I had to wrestle with a lot of anger and loads of other negative feelings all at once.
I didn't do anything, just cried and fell asleep.
Yet people seem to think that this means I am at risk, again. Not really. I am doing more than most people know to try and increase the quality of my life. And that includes looking at building a support structure for mum too. Even if she doesn't know it yet. But alas, I have gotten "Restricted" on QYN again. Yes I will admit I hit a low last night, but for the first time in almost an entire year I was actually on top of the world. And I was made to not be happy because mum had had an argument.
I didn't do anything, but I did feel so very low. I am not as at risk as people seem to think I am. In fact I am working hard to improve my life, and both to locate and access support for both me and my Mum. To me it seems counter-productive to restrict someone from accessing support they do need. Guess it means that for the next few weeks I will have to go to Janet and to locate other places for the support that I do need.
Every once in a while a person will stumble. This doesn't mean they have given up. Just that they need a little help.
But last night, Mum had an argument with my stepdad, and took that out on me. Calling into question my transgenderism. And being unfair to me, for the fact I am not what I seem or should be, in her eyes. Anyway this made me trangst like mad, and I went from incredibly happy to well incredibly unhappy. Which meant I had to wrestle with a lot of anger and loads of other negative feelings all at once.
I didn't do anything, just cried and fell asleep.
Yet people seem to think that this means I am at risk, again. Not really. I am doing more than most people know to try and increase the quality of my life. And that includes looking at building a support structure for mum too. Even if she doesn't know it yet. But alas, I have gotten "Restricted" on QYN again. Yes I will admit I hit a low last night, but for the first time in almost an entire year I was actually on top of the world. And I was made to not be happy because mum had had an argument.
I didn't do anything, but I did feel so very low. I am not as at risk as people seem to think I am. In fact I am working hard to improve my life, and both to locate and access support for both me and my Mum. To me it seems counter-productive to restrict someone from accessing support they do need. Guess it means that for the next few weeks I will have to go to Janet and to locate other places for the support that I do need.
Every once in a while a person will stumble. This doesn't mean they have given up. Just that they need a little help.
Tuesday, 24 August 2010
Oh what a wonderful [trans] day!
So this is what happiness feels like.
Warm, comfortable and bliss.
Now before you think I am having a manic moment you are very wrong.
Today has been one of the best days of my life. In a VERY long time, there have been good days and fun days, but nothing like this.
So why you maybe wondering am I so very happy.
I went to see the Psych this morning, at some silly hour being 9.30 am. He was 30 minutes late, some may have taken that as an ill omen. Any way, normally when a patient is called it is MR this or MS that. He just used my birth name. That was it.
So he was youngish and Asian (for those who know, I have had massive issues with Asian doctors this last year), first thing he asked, do prefer me to use your birth name or your chosen name of Terran?
He proceeded to ask me relevant questions about my Gender Identity and if I had any other mental health issues. I answered everything truthfully, even the questions to do with personal gender experiences etc. By the end of it he said, I believe that you are indeed suffering from Gender Identity Disorder (before giving me some interesting figures on the increase of GID over the last 6 years). He said other than a need for my diabetes to be more closely monitored once I get on hormones, and to make sure I keep an eye on the depression that I would have little trouble transitioning.
We then chatted a little bit about connections to LGBT groups and other Trans people. He seem generally surprised that I have researched it all thoroughly and was aware of the basics of the process via NHS. All in all I was very pleased.
He then asked which GIC I wanted referral to, because he said had I thought about Leeds and Sheffield (yeah, not heard good things about them, and they aren't willing to provide much of the support I need either!). So I asked him to refer me to Nottingham. He said that could be done and would be sending his report by the end of the week to both PCT and GP. And to chase them up in 10 days to make sure it was being put through.
Managed to finish my Poster for B.yoU too today.
Tomorrow, on the carry on with a very positive week, I am going to face Manchester City Council and actually get some answers and things made. It has been a very long time since they spoke to me, so time something was done.
I am a fighter!
And I am actually happy!
Warm, comfortable and bliss.
Now before you think I am having a manic moment you are very wrong.
Today has been one of the best days of my life. In a VERY long time, there have been good days and fun days, but nothing like this.
So why you maybe wondering am I so very happy.
I went to see the Psych this morning, at some silly hour being 9.30 am. He was 30 minutes late, some may have taken that as an ill omen. Any way, normally when a patient is called it is MR this or MS that. He just used my birth name. That was it.
So he was youngish and Asian (for those who know, I have had massive issues with Asian doctors this last year), first thing he asked, do prefer me to use your birth name or your chosen name of Terran?
He proceeded to ask me relevant questions about my Gender Identity and if I had any other mental health issues. I answered everything truthfully, even the questions to do with personal gender experiences etc. By the end of it he said, I believe that you are indeed suffering from Gender Identity Disorder (before giving me some interesting figures on the increase of GID over the last 6 years). He said other than a need for my diabetes to be more closely monitored once I get on hormones, and to make sure I keep an eye on the depression that I would have little trouble transitioning.
We then chatted a little bit about connections to LGBT groups and other Trans people. He seem generally surprised that I have researched it all thoroughly and was aware of the basics of the process via NHS. All in all I was very pleased.
He then asked which GIC I wanted referral to, because he said had I thought about Leeds and Sheffield (yeah, not heard good things about them, and they aren't willing to provide much of the support I need either!). So I asked him to refer me to Nottingham. He said that could be done and would be sending his report by the end of the week to both PCT and GP. And to chase them up in 10 days to make sure it was being put through.
Managed to finish my Poster for B.yoU too today.
Tomorrow, on the carry on with a very positive week, I am going to face Manchester City Council and actually get some answers and things made. It has been a very long time since they spoke to me, so time something was done.
I am a fighter!
And I am actually happy!
Sunday, 22 August 2010
Decisions of a thoughtful mind.
This is the next stage in the blogs examining my life as it is.
So I have talked about how I got to this stage in my life over 3 blogs. Now it seems logical to talk about what I want to achieve over the next years.
The first thing I guess is to transition completely to female. I have spent a lot of time thinking this over and will always remain somewhat genderqueerish, but I know in my heart that I need to change this male body to something more to female, what I need it to be. I plan to do this via the NHS, but that might change if it has to and I have the money to go private, in the future.
I am re-enrolling to University. This time to actually follow the original dream, to become a nurse. I used to always want to be a doctor/nurse when I was younger, and as such training to become one actually feels right. I have dabbled and thought about other things but I should pursue my original dream. It feels right and I am sorting out the application as soon as I can, even if if means I have a year to wait till I can start the course. This can only actually be a good thing, gives me chance to begin my transition and to get some practical healthcare experience, either volunteering at a care home or hospital or if I am lucky managing to pick up a job as a healthcare assistant. Or preferably both.
It might just be a dream, but I have always wanted to be a published author. I enjoy the challenge of writing. But I have thought, why not write about what I know? Which for me is Warhammer or 40K. I have read a lot, played a lot of games and to a point been absorbed by the back ground and stories of both game systems. So the fangirl in me says, write a short story and see if the Black Library, Games Workshops publishing wing, will publish it. It might be a dream but I am slowly trying to make it a reality.
I guess I want to learn how to drive. This is something I have put off for a number of years if I am honest. Mainly because Males have to pay an extortionate amount on their insurance under 22, but also because I haven't had the money. But I plan to get my arse in gear and begin to learn, because it for one will give me freedom to travel about, and means that I can see my friends a lot more often too.
There are plenty of challenges a head, but I am going to tackle them one by one. I know that there are things in my past that will affect my future but I will and can do my best to over come them. I am patient and determined to see and make a better life for myself, to improve and evolve beyond the cage of society and even the flesh I am born into, as is the case.
Mutation is merely a word used to describe jealousy over an adaptation.
So I have talked about how I got to this stage in my life over 3 blogs. Now it seems logical to talk about what I want to achieve over the next years.
The first thing I guess is to transition completely to female. I have spent a lot of time thinking this over and will always remain somewhat genderqueerish, but I know in my heart that I need to change this male body to something more to female, what I need it to be. I plan to do this via the NHS, but that might change if it has to and I have the money to go private, in the future.
I am re-enrolling to University. This time to actually follow the original dream, to become a nurse. I used to always want to be a doctor/nurse when I was younger, and as such training to become one actually feels right. I have dabbled and thought about other things but I should pursue my original dream. It feels right and I am sorting out the application as soon as I can, even if if means I have a year to wait till I can start the course. This can only actually be a good thing, gives me chance to begin my transition and to get some practical healthcare experience, either volunteering at a care home or hospital or if I am lucky managing to pick up a job as a healthcare assistant. Or preferably both.
It might just be a dream, but I have always wanted to be a published author. I enjoy the challenge of writing. But I have thought, why not write about what I know? Which for me is Warhammer or 40K. I have read a lot, played a lot of games and to a point been absorbed by the back ground and stories of both game systems. So the fangirl in me says, write a short story and see if the Black Library, Games Workshops publishing wing, will publish it. It might be a dream but I am slowly trying to make it a reality.
I guess I want to learn how to drive. This is something I have put off for a number of years if I am honest. Mainly because Males have to pay an extortionate amount on their insurance under 22, but also because I haven't had the money. But I plan to get my arse in gear and begin to learn, because it for one will give me freedom to travel about, and means that I can see my friends a lot more often too.
There are plenty of challenges a head, but I am going to tackle them one by one. I know that there are things in my past that will affect my future but I will and can do my best to over come them. I am patient and determined to see and make a better life for myself, to improve and evolve beyond the cage of society and even the flesh I am born into, as is the case.
Mutation is merely a word used to describe jealousy over an adaptation.
Saturday, 21 August 2010
Thoughts of a wandering mind. The Final Act
Have you ever thought, in a moment of life why and how exactly you got to the point you got to? The events and actions, the choices and decisions, the environment and experiences that have shaped both your mind and body. The little things and the big things. I have been kind of thinking about this for sometime now.
So as this is going to be coming up soon, I guess I will talk about Gender Dysphoria.
For me it started early. I think. My mind isn’t clear and time is a concept beyond my grasp. Events emerge in an unchronological order. But I have small memories of cross dressing (or should that be wearing the right gendered clothes?) when I was about 6/7 years old. All most all my friends at this time were girls, and yes I got bullied for that. Still I feel like that was the last time I was completely happy. So yeah wearing girls clothes. Then I can recall having it beaten into me, literally, that I was a little boy and should behave as one. Even know I tend to sit and be quite quiet and read most of the time. Or draw/paint etc.
When I was in high school I used to get small amounts of bus fair. I learnt quickly that I could sell things on and did that, the first time I really hung out with two guys really. We sold all sorts of crap. But the money well the money I earned was used to make some purchases of girls clothes and make up at one point…. So yeah I guess I fit the NHS model of Male to Female transgendered individual. Cross dressing and other things in private. That said puberty hit me late, like 16 and 17, after that I really descended into depression.
I guess growing up but never understanding why I felt the way I did was complicated. It wasn’t until I turned 20 that I started trying to understand transgenderism and for that matter sexuality too. I never really found anyone attractive at school. Mainly because St Helens was rough as shit. And the one openly gay lad actually got shanked. So I repressed it all, neither fancying girls or guys. I was I guess a Blank. To some extent I still am, I get so little pleasure from sex, but I do from holding someone and foreplay I guess. And I do enjoy pleasuring someone else. So the term Demi-sexual springs to mind. Only half there most of the time.
I have experienced many unpleasant things with people who can’t respect peoples boundaries. Or there sexual identity. But maybe because of the abusive atmosphere I grew up in, I seek an element of abuse in a personal relationship. Fucked up I know. But I am naturally submissive, and to me that is am important part of being in a relationship. A safe level of abuse I guess. Mind I have an instinctive distrust of people, find being touched makes me feel scared. Ever the paradox I guess.
It is the same with friendships mind. I find it hard to deal with and trust other people, for any prolonged period of time. The fact that in the last 15 months I have made some wonderful friends is to a degree a miracle in itself. I will admit it, I am scared and fear people. Part of me always will do so too.
So there we have it, everything I have been thinking about for the last few weeks, laid out for all to see and for some to try and understand it.
Sometimes it is right to hide things from people, to take up the cloak and dagger, because only in secrecy can a truth be revealed.
So as this is going to be coming up soon, I guess I will talk about Gender Dysphoria.
For me it started early. I think. My mind isn’t clear and time is a concept beyond my grasp. Events emerge in an unchronological order. But I have small memories of cross dressing (or should that be wearing the right gendered clothes?) when I was about 6/7 years old. All most all my friends at this time were girls, and yes I got bullied for that. Still I feel like that was the last time I was completely happy. So yeah wearing girls clothes. Then I can recall having it beaten into me, literally, that I was a little boy and should behave as one. Even know I tend to sit and be quite quiet and read most of the time. Or draw/paint etc.
When I was in high school I used to get small amounts of bus fair. I learnt quickly that I could sell things on and did that, the first time I really hung out with two guys really. We sold all sorts of crap. But the money well the money I earned was used to make some purchases of girls clothes and make up at one point…. So yeah I guess I fit the NHS model of Male to Female transgendered individual. Cross dressing and other things in private. That said puberty hit me late, like 16 and 17, after that I really descended into depression.
I guess growing up but never understanding why I felt the way I did was complicated. It wasn’t until I turned 20 that I started trying to understand transgenderism and for that matter sexuality too. I never really found anyone attractive at school. Mainly because St Helens was rough as shit. And the one openly gay lad actually got shanked. So I repressed it all, neither fancying girls or guys. I was I guess a Blank. To some extent I still am, I get so little pleasure from sex, but I do from holding someone and foreplay I guess. And I do enjoy pleasuring someone else. So the term Demi-sexual springs to mind. Only half there most of the time.
I have experienced many unpleasant things with people who can’t respect peoples boundaries. Or there sexual identity. But maybe because of the abusive atmosphere I grew up in, I seek an element of abuse in a personal relationship. Fucked up I know. But I am naturally submissive, and to me that is am important part of being in a relationship. A safe level of abuse I guess. Mind I have an instinctive distrust of people, find being touched makes me feel scared. Ever the paradox I guess.
It is the same with friendships mind. I find it hard to deal with and trust other people, for any prolonged period of time. The fact that in the last 15 months I have made some wonderful friends is to a degree a miracle in itself. I will admit it, I am scared and fear people. Part of me always will do so too.
So there we have it, everything I have been thinking about for the last few weeks, laid out for all to see and for some to try and understand it.
Sometimes it is right to hide things from people, to take up the cloak and dagger, because only in secrecy can a truth be revealed.
Thoughts of a wandering mind. Part two.
Have you ever thought, in a moment of life why and how exactly you got to the point you got to? The events and actions, the choices and decisions, the environment and experiences that have shaped both your mind and body. The little things and the big things. I have been kind of thinking about this for sometime now.
I have been thinking of how I managed to develop into this person I am. The last 5 years have been highly intense to say the least. It has taken me 5 years to even managed to talk about losing a friends to suicide. I guess for the best part of 5 years I have been slowly falling apart. All that is left now are the bare bones of who and what I am.
I am female. Yet male bodied.
I am 22 years and 6 months of age.
I am a diabetic.
I suffer with intense bouts of depression.
These are things that could be considered fact.
Other things could well be considered. Such as the people one has as friends. I have a few, but they are close and so incredible, each and everyone. Family I guess is another thing. My family is far from perfect. My Mum is at times really transphobic, at others really accepting. She is the strongest person I know. My step dad, is difficult to get on with, but he truly makes the effort. And lets face it, how many people can come in and be a father figure to 4 highly dysfunctional children and stick it out as we became even more dysfunctional and weird teenagers.
I am blessed, or in fact cursed with having many siblings. 4 that are close, 4 step siblings and many half-siblings. I have no contact with either the step or half-siblings. My older brother Kel, has some major issues of his own, largely mental health ones. My sister is much the same as Kel. But I know that with out them I wouldn't be the person I am now, or for that matter I might not be here now. My younger brother is a pain in the arse. ODD, homophobic and a Chav. I doubt he will grow up or ever except what I am. I have no doubts that he understands it. All 4 of us have some level of Dysphoria, for those three it is Body Dysphoria, for me Gender. My youngest brother is as far removed from the 4 of us as possible, he doesn't have the same preceding SpLD that run with all four of us. Clearly father wasn't genetically sound.
So like some of you will know that I have done many years of Education and moved about the country a lot. I have lived in more towns than I care to remember. And as such have been to many different schools and colleges. I guess valuable life experience, but little else. And I have little to show for all of this moving about. Two Scottish highers, one in Human Bio the other in Psychology. Both at C grade. I also have Two As levels Chemistry and General Studies, both at E and two A2s at E in Law and Biology. I did half a balancing semester at Bolton Uni. It was frankly a lot of bollox.
I guess I am trying to work out how I got to this point in my life, the things I can change and the things that I can't, well easily change.
I am hopefully going to be getting my referral at long last this coming week, and my deed poll. I am making that changes that I need to make in my life to be who I need to be. But there is more than just physical changes I need to make. I need to sort it out, and get enrolled for Uni. I do plan to go to Sheffield Holme. I want to do nursing, but I know I have to wait till next September to start it. This should give me adequate time to get some relevant experience in the field, and to enrol on St John's Ambulance. I am determined to do so, and to hopefully begin to transition as much as I can over the next year.
Sometimes you have to step back and look at the bigger picture so that you can see the areas that you need to improve upon.
I have been thinking of how I managed to develop into this person I am. The last 5 years have been highly intense to say the least. It has taken me 5 years to even managed to talk about losing a friends to suicide. I guess for the best part of 5 years I have been slowly falling apart. All that is left now are the bare bones of who and what I am.
I am female. Yet male bodied.
I am 22 years and 6 months of age.
I am a diabetic.
I suffer with intense bouts of depression.
These are things that could be considered fact.
Other things could well be considered. Such as the people one has as friends. I have a few, but they are close and so incredible, each and everyone. Family I guess is another thing. My family is far from perfect. My Mum is at times really transphobic, at others really accepting. She is the strongest person I know. My step dad, is difficult to get on with, but he truly makes the effort. And lets face it, how many people can come in and be a father figure to 4 highly dysfunctional children and stick it out as we became even more dysfunctional and weird teenagers.
I am blessed, or in fact cursed with having many siblings. 4 that are close, 4 step siblings and many half-siblings. I have no contact with either the step or half-siblings. My older brother Kel, has some major issues of his own, largely mental health ones. My sister is much the same as Kel. But I know that with out them I wouldn't be the person I am now, or for that matter I might not be here now. My younger brother is a pain in the arse. ODD, homophobic and a Chav. I doubt he will grow up or ever except what I am. I have no doubts that he understands it. All 4 of us have some level of Dysphoria, for those three it is Body Dysphoria, for me Gender. My youngest brother is as far removed from the 4 of us as possible, he doesn't have the same preceding SpLD that run with all four of us. Clearly father wasn't genetically sound.
So like some of you will know that I have done many years of Education and moved about the country a lot. I have lived in more towns than I care to remember. And as such have been to many different schools and colleges. I guess valuable life experience, but little else. And I have little to show for all of this moving about. Two Scottish highers, one in Human Bio the other in Psychology. Both at C grade. I also have Two As levels Chemistry and General Studies, both at E and two A2s at E in Law and Biology. I did half a balancing semester at Bolton Uni. It was frankly a lot of bollox.
I guess I am trying to work out how I got to this point in my life, the things I can change and the things that I can't, well easily change.
I am hopefully going to be getting my referral at long last this coming week, and my deed poll. I am making that changes that I need to make in my life to be who I need to be. But there is more than just physical changes I need to make. I need to sort it out, and get enrolled for Uni. I do plan to go to Sheffield Holme. I want to do nursing, but I know I have to wait till next September to start it. This should give me adequate time to get some relevant experience in the field, and to enrol on St John's Ambulance. I am determined to do so, and to hopefully begin to transition as much as I can over the next year.
Sometimes you have to step back and look at the bigger picture so that you can see the areas that you need to improve upon.
Stressed
I keep getting migraines.
Or I have had the same one all week.
It has made me feel ill, and it is causing me to trangst like a lot.
I feel really off, I had to move quickly last night, because I felt the need to be sick, so I ended up having to run to the nearest place. Luckily I wasn't then.
But maybe it was the stress of lack of sleep, I got worse and ended up being rather ill all morning. Just my luck really.
Anyway, I am beginning to feel very much alone.
I haven't seen the people I get on with in a number of weeks, and it is beginning to grate on my mind and stuff. Doesn't help with two of my best friends being on holiday so I can't even talk to them easily. I don't know.
Everything seemed so good on Sunday, now it has changed, for the worse. Distancing myself maybe? Or maybe a little fear of things that I am unsure of.
Don't really know yet.
To travel in darkness is to travel in mystery and in uncertainty.
Or I have had the same one all week.
It has made me feel ill, and it is causing me to trangst like a lot.
I feel really off, I had to move quickly last night, because I felt the need to be sick, so I ended up having to run to the nearest place. Luckily I wasn't then.
But maybe it was the stress of lack of sleep, I got worse and ended up being rather ill all morning. Just my luck really.
Anyway, I am beginning to feel very much alone.
I haven't seen the people I get on with in a number of weeks, and it is beginning to grate on my mind and stuff. Doesn't help with two of my best friends being on holiday so I can't even talk to them easily. I don't know.
Everything seemed so good on Sunday, now it has changed, for the worse. Distancing myself maybe? Or maybe a little fear of things that I am unsure of.
Don't really know yet.
To travel in darkness is to travel in mystery and in uncertainty.
Friday, 20 August 2010
Thoughts of a wandering mind.
Have you ever thought, in a moment of life why and how exactly you got to the point you got to? The events and actions, the choices and decisions, the environment and experiences that have shaped both your mind and body. The little things and the big things. I have been kind of thinking it for sometime now.
Coulrophobia, a fear of clowns is such an example. When I was three I didn't sleep well. My biological father thought it would be a good idea for me to sit and watch the film IT. I have been scared of clowns ever since.
When I was 8/9, like everyone, I did swimming lessons like everyone. Unlike everyone I nearly drown. I was laughed at by the teacher and other pupils because the lifeguard actually had to save me. I refused to ever swim again and have become hydrophobic since.
At some point in my early childhood I was attacked by a large dog. Can't remember when but I used to have faint scaring on my left leg. Still very scared of big dogs, they make me panic a lot. So you guessed it I am rather cynophobic.
It isn't all bad things mind. There have been some good experiences, like passing my GCSEs and stuff. Meeting some incredible people young and old. But it is like the negatives have shaped my life a lot more.
My biological father was a physically abusive man. His parents where as well. Particularly towards me, out of the four of us, and not nice to my young brother either, but then he has always exhibited signs of Oppositional Defiant Disorder. My I have always been diabetic, dyspraxic and have had other issues. All four of us do, but it isn't so clear with Kel or Charl. But with me it can be picked upon a lot. I feel this is part of the reason I had a hard time with that side of the family. Because they aren't and never will be my family.
Bullying does seem to stalk me a lot mind. Had it since I started school from pupil and teacher. Senior school was a harsh time for me. I got beat up, called names and generally my life was made to feel rubbish and worthless. Which is why I am proud of the 4 Bs, 2 Cs and 4 Ds I came out with 6 years ago.
Moving about the country has had a few benefits. I have met and lost some wonderful people. But I have had a chance to see and experience many things. Mind the bullying has always followed me, physical, verbal, and just about everything else, including for being English. I have dealt with depression under all of this. Since I was 8. When that teacher called me pathetic for nearly drowning...
I have only recently discovered that the underlying dysphoria I have felt for so long is related largely to gender. I have tried so hard to be a man, but it isn't what I am. I know this now. 22 years after I was born. I have put myself through a lot, and fate has decided that I should experience even more. Janet said to me, you have been through fucking shit, you have had it hard. Same for all 15 of the counsellors I have done many sessions with. Why? Sure I have had difficult parts, but I don't think I have had it any worse than anyone else.
I am trans yes. But that isn't why I find it so hard to cope. I just know that I need some help to correct what I am is all. I have experienced some horrible things, but so have many many others. People have to work through things to get better yeah? I will admit I have had it rough, abuse, losing a wonderful friend to suicide, sexual assault, constant and to this day bullying, periods of intense stress and loneliness and a massive lack of stability, because Mum has been running for so long. But I have worked through it, a little battered and bruised maybe. But my heart still beats and I still stand strong, a bit with support of friends at last.
Is it any wonder that a person who has experienced a lot of hardship and negativity is both dysfunctional and a little paranoid at times?
A heart that hurts is a heart that works. A mind that can grow in darkness, can work through any hardship.
Coulrophobia, a fear of clowns is such an example. When I was three I didn't sleep well. My biological father thought it would be a good idea for me to sit and watch the film IT. I have been scared of clowns ever since.
When I was 8/9, like everyone, I did swimming lessons like everyone. Unlike everyone I nearly drown. I was laughed at by the teacher and other pupils because the lifeguard actually had to save me. I refused to ever swim again and have become hydrophobic since.
At some point in my early childhood I was attacked by a large dog. Can't remember when but I used to have faint scaring on my left leg. Still very scared of big dogs, they make me panic a lot. So you guessed it I am rather cynophobic.
It isn't all bad things mind. There have been some good experiences, like passing my GCSEs and stuff. Meeting some incredible people young and old. But it is like the negatives have shaped my life a lot more.
My biological father was a physically abusive man. His parents where as well. Particularly towards me, out of the four of us, and not nice to my young brother either, but then he has always exhibited signs of Oppositional Defiant Disorder. My I have always been diabetic, dyspraxic and have had other issues. All four of us do, but it isn't so clear with Kel or Charl. But with me it can be picked upon a lot. I feel this is part of the reason I had a hard time with that side of the family. Because they aren't and never will be my family.
Bullying does seem to stalk me a lot mind. Had it since I started school from pupil and teacher. Senior school was a harsh time for me. I got beat up, called names and generally my life was made to feel rubbish and worthless. Which is why I am proud of the 4 Bs, 2 Cs and 4 Ds I came out with 6 years ago.
Moving about the country has had a few benefits. I have met and lost some wonderful people. But I have had a chance to see and experience many things. Mind the bullying has always followed me, physical, verbal, and just about everything else, including for being English. I have dealt with depression under all of this. Since I was 8. When that teacher called me pathetic for nearly drowning...
I have only recently discovered that the underlying dysphoria I have felt for so long is related largely to gender. I have tried so hard to be a man, but it isn't what I am. I know this now. 22 years after I was born. I have put myself through a lot, and fate has decided that I should experience even more. Janet said to me, you have been through fucking shit, you have had it hard. Same for all 15 of the counsellors I have done many sessions with. Why? Sure I have had difficult parts, but I don't think I have had it any worse than anyone else.
I am trans yes. But that isn't why I find it so hard to cope. I just know that I need some help to correct what I am is all. I have experienced some horrible things, but so have many many others. People have to work through things to get better yeah? I will admit I have had it rough, abuse, losing a wonderful friend to suicide, sexual assault, constant and to this day bullying, periods of intense stress and loneliness and a massive lack of stability, because Mum has been running for so long. But I have worked through it, a little battered and bruised maybe. But my heart still beats and I still stand strong, a bit with support of friends at last.
Is it any wonder that a person who has experienced a lot of hardship and negativity is both dysfunctional and a little paranoid at times?
A heart that hurts is a heart that works. A mind that can grow in darkness, can work through any hardship.
Gender: a surprising tale of many sides.
So I went to watch the others learn the dance routine at B.yoU today.
I can't dance (or for that matter keep up with the walk routine!) I am stupidly on co-ordinatable, More dyspraxic than I thought.
Anyway I know I haven't shaved (yet, there was no cream) all the over 18s and staff, either used neutral or female pronouns. A girl who hasn't seen me since Christmas, kept calling me by Birth name, but that is okay. But I know that I got a few strange looks from the younger group lol. Gender fuckery for the win.
Now I knew that there was a young transboy in younger group. Because I had been asked if I knew about binders/binding (which I know a little bit on) a few weeks back. So not hard to work out one of them was trans really. But I was talking to a Lad that I kind of get on with, he was asking about driving and stuff and if I had my licence yet. I said no, but would be doing it as soon as I can, and with a letter from the Psych saying that my change from Male to Female is going to be permanent. Anyway this young lad snapped to attention at the mention of that. One way to find out about someone's gender ID I guess.
A stranger is merely an acquaintance you are yet to meet.
I can't dance (or for that matter keep up with the walk routine!) I am stupidly on co-ordinatable, More dyspraxic than I thought.
Anyway I know I haven't shaved (yet, there was no cream) all the over 18s and staff, either used neutral or female pronouns. A girl who hasn't seen me since Christmas, kept calling me by Birth name, but that is okay. But I know that I got a few strange looks from the younger group lol. Gender fuckery for the win.
Now I knew that there was a young transboy in younger group. Because I had been asked if I knew about binders/binding (which I know a little bit on) a few weeks back. So not hard to work out one of them was trans really. But I was talking to a Lad that I kind of get on with, he was asking about driving and stuff and if I had my licence yet. I said no, but would be doing it as soon as I can, and with a letter from the Psych saying that my change from Male to Female is going to be permanent. Anyway this young lad snapped to attention at the mention of that. One way to find out about someone's gender ID I guess.
A stranger is merely an acquaintance you are yet to meet.
Thursday, 19 August 2010
Procrastination and RAGE
Rage first.
I hate, absolutely fucking hate the attitude of me little brother. He is a rude, unpleasant, aggressive little Chav. He swears at everyone, does what he likes and yet gets no comeuppance, because Mart makes himself ill and Mum just doesn't seem to care. He attacked me and was rather homophobic at Christmas. Yet I got blamed for being queer, typical yeah?
So since I found out I am moving, things have ground to a halt. I am not sure why maybe it is the fact that I don't think that anything is worth bothering with or getting involved with, because I will be moving sometime. I guess the premove blues.
Meh
Can't even blog right at the moment.
I hate, absolutely fucking hate the attitude of me little brother. He is a rude, unpleasant, aggressive little Chav. He swears at everyone, does what he likes and yet gets no comeuppance, because Mart makes himself ill and Mum just doesn't seem to care. He attacked me and was rather homophobic at Christmas. Yet I got blamed for being queer, typical yeah?
So since I found out I am moving, things have ground to a halt. I am not sure why maybe it is the fact that I don't think that anything is worth bothering with or getting involved with, because I will be moving sometime. I guess the premove blues.
Meh
Can't even blog right at the moment.
Wednesday, 18 August 2010
Random short poem
Family of Friends
The ones we love
The ones we trust
The one that we fight for
They are beauty
They bring happiness
They are the ones we love
Friends mean the world
To the one who has few
The ones we love
The ones we trust
The one that we fight for
They are beauty
They bring happiness
They are the ones we love
Friends mean the world
To the one who has few
Other peoples computers.
I find it rude that other people who could take a small walk up a flight of steps to get their own computer (yes we all pretty much have our own laptops here at base HQ) ask to use my laptop. This is my own safe space and I need it to remain independently my computer.
I guess the reason for this line of thought is I feel really uncomfortable using anyone else's computer, and the same with public ones too. My world is based entirely on my laptop too a point. My memories are on here, my personal information and my little dreams and things too. I don't want people noseying about on here (not least because of browsing history!).
So You may be thinking what is the point with this train of thought. After all I blog epically and all the time, so you might know many things about me. I guess it is down to feeling like I can have something that is just mine, a place where I can do what I like and whatever. I mean for most people I guess it would be some place like a bedroom, a car or maybe a house. But if you get the train of thought, my laptop is the closest I have to a home. Everything on it and about it is my personal choices.
Just a little wander through my hemispheres.
A question without an answer is nothing more than a statement.
I guess the reason for this line of thought is I feel really uncomfortable using anyone else's computer, and the same with public ones too. My world is based entirely on my laptop too a point. My memories are on here, my personal information and my little dreams and things too. I don't want people noseying about on here (not least because of browsing history!).
So You may be thinking what is the point with this train of thought. After all I blog epically and all the time, so you might know many things about me. I guess it is down to feeling like I can have something that is just mine, a place where I can do what I like and whatever. I mean for most people I guess it would be some place like a bedroom, a car or maybe a house. But if you get the train of thought, my laptop is the closest I have to a home. Everything on it and about it is my personal choices.
Just a little wander through my hemispheres.
A question without an answer is nothing more than a statement.
Tuesday, 17 August 2010
Artwork and some other things.
Firstly
From this.
To this.
To this.
To finally this.
My pride poster, and I am rather proud of it. I just need to do the lettering in Rainbow and it is all done!
I have enjoyed actually having some work, that is a little bit different and a bit special to me. I have a certain love for history and fantasy and this has managed to catch and carry this for me. I wish I could have found a way to make a historic costume because that would have been lovely.
Anyway just thought I would share that with you, faithful readers.
A man is not determined by his genitals but by his actions, remember that.
From this.
To this.
To this.
To finally this.
My pride poster, and I am rather proud of it. I just need to do the lettering in Rainbow and it is all done!
I have enjoyed actually having some work, that is a little bit different and a bit special to me. I have a certain love for history and fantasy and this has managed to catch and carry this for me. I wish I could have found a way to make a historic costume because that would have been lovely.
Anyway just thought I would share that with you, faithful readers.
A man is not determined by his genitals but by his actions, remember that.
Monday, 16 August 2010
Revalations of a MtF
"Revalations 21 6
It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To those who are thirsty I will give to drink without cost from the spring of the water of life."
A noble quote, even if it is from a dubious sauce, the bible.
Last few weeks I have been working through a massive degree of personal issues.
Issues to do with Gender Identity. And relationships with other people. I am never one to have an easy time and often make my own life more complex as I go through it.
Last night, I was filling my deed poll in, it was 4am-ish. I had something of a break down, just this massive rush of trangst and other things all at once. I had to think about every step, hair removal, voice coaching, surgeries and hormones. I had to think each and every step and how I would cope and change. In the end my mind, ever cold, calm and collected, won out. I am going to transition all the way, even if it takes me the next 10 years to do so. Why because I am female, and one day my body will match that too!
I will take care of the steps I can along the way, because I know I need to do something. So that is things such as Hair Removal and maybe Voice Coaching. I will be bring this up with the Psych at the end of the month.
Relationships
Every kind of them, from business to friends and family to lovers.
There is a massive overlap with transitioning and the interactions with other people. And of course having to go back and tell all the people I know and interact with that one my name and title have changed and two that yes, I am a girl and will transition as far and as possible over the next few years. This does make me worry about how people will see me as I progress along the road. I guess it is natural to worry a bit yeah?
A person can be like an island, seemingly alone in the ocean of their own thoughts, but deep down they are always connected to the people who matter to them.
It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To those who are thirsty I will give to drink without cost from the spring of the water of life."
A noble quote, even if it is from a dubious sauce, the bible.
Last few weeks I have been working through a massive degree of personal issues.
Issues to do with Gender Identity. And relationships with other people. I am never one to have an easy time and often make my own life more complex as I go through it.
Last night, I was filling my deed poll in, it was 4am-ish. I had something of a break down, just this massive rush of trangst and other things all at once. I had to think about every step, hair removal, voice coaching, surgeries and hormones. I had to think each and every step and how I would cope and change. In the end my mind, ever cold, calm and collected, won out. I am going to transition all the way, even if it takes me the next 10 years to do so. Why because I am female, and one day my body will match that too!
I will take care of the steps I can along the way, because I know I need to do something. So that is things such as Hair Removal and maybe Voice Coaching. I will be bring this up with the Psych at the end of the month.
Relationships
Every kind of them, from business to friends and family to lovers.
There is a massive overlap with transitioning and the interactions with other people. And of course having to go back and tell all the people I know and interact with that one my name and title have changed and two that yes, I am a girl and will transition as far and as possible over the next few years. This does make me worry about how people will see me as I progress along the road. I guess it is natural to worry a bit yeah?
A person can be like an island, seemingly alone in the ocean of their own thoughts, but deep down they are always connected to the people who matter to them.
Blog 67
I can't think of a title right now.
But this is the 67th post in this blog so it will do.
I was meant to spend the day in Chesterfield with Sakura, Kallum and Carlisle, but alas my body decided that because of the sunshine I would have a terrible migraine all day instead, still do, but have another hour before I can take more Codamol. Probably should easy up on that stuff mind, has addictive qualities.
So I have been home alone, in my thoughts (and odd mixture of drunken-pain-sickness) And I have been thinking now that I have set my Deed Poll up I need to start looking at the two things that cause me to feel trangsty and coincidently the two things that will affect passing the most. Voice and Body/Facial hair.
Voice.
I am not happy with, I sound harsh and rather manly to monotones most of the time. So I am looking at how I can alter that. Speech therapy is possibly the best bet, or seeing if I can access a voice tutor. I will be asking the psychiatrist at the end of the month if they can make me a referral to a Speech therapist, because money isn't easy to come by when you are on benefits. It has to be possible to do it on the NHS, really doesn't it? It is the one thing that makes me feel depressed really, so I need to do something about it, as soon as I can.
Body/Facial hair.
Okay so few female minded people like being hairy. I am one of the people who having hair makes me feel physically sick at time, I have found a local (23 mins by train and a 10 mins walk) away. http://www.northwestlasers.co.uk/laser-skin-treatments/laser-hair-removal.php
Doesn't look too bad a clinic, but it is going to cost a fortune to have it done. And I may need it done 2 or even three times. So I might be looking at up to £2400... Need to figure a way out to start to get that money as I need to begin to get this step started. Because I can't be a bearded lady.
Question is how does one find the money needed to start to transition? I guess and probably will see if I can get some help. I have written a letter to the Henry Smith Charity, seeing as I am poor kindred and see if they can give me any help and assistance, need to find out what they require as proof of name changed and of course Title change too.
Some times, the simple things in life are the hardest to do.
But this is the 67th post in this blog so it will do.
I was meant to spend the day in Chesterfield with Sakura, Kallum and Carlisle, but alas my body decided that because of the sunshine I would have a terrible migraine all day instead, still do, but have another hour before I can take more Codamol. Probably should easy up on that stuff mind, has addictive qualities.
So I have been home alone, in my thoughts (and odd mixture of drunken-pain-sickness) And I have been thinking now that I have set my Deed Poll up I need to start looking at the two things that cause me to feel trangsty and coincidently the two things that will affect passing the most. Voice and Body/Facial hair.
Voice.
I am not happy with, I sound harsh and rather manly to monotones most of the time. So I am looking at how I can alter that. Speech therapy is possibly the best bet, or seeing if I can access a voice tutor. I will be asking the psychiatrist at the end of the month if they can make me a referral to a Speech therapist, because money isn't easy to come by when you are on benefits. It has to be possible to do it on the NHS, really doesn't it? It is the one thing that makes me feel depressed really, so I need to do something about it, as soon as I can.
Body/Facial hair.
Okay so few female minded people like being hairy. I am one of the people who having hair makes me feel physically sick at time, I have found a local (23 mins by train and a 10 mins walk) away. http://www.northwestlasers.co.uk/laser-skin-treatments/laser-hair-removal.php
Doesn't look too bad a clinic, but it is going to cost a fortune to have it done. And I may need it done 2 or even three times. So I might be looking at up to £2400... Need to figure a way out to start to get that money as I need to begin to get this step started. Because I can't be a bearded lady.
Question is how does one find the money needed to start to transition? I guess and probably will see if I can get some help. I have written a letter to the Henry Smith Charity, seeing as I am poor kindred and see if they can give me any help and assistance, need to find out what they require as proof of name changed and of course Title change too.
Some times, the simple things in life are the hardest to do.
Sunday, 15 August 2010
Subconscious being a pain in the arse.
So yeah I have been on a massive sexual craving high for the last 6 weeks. Which is at odds with myself. Being something Asexual does seem to be really difficult to handle. Is it any wonder why me and a few of my friends have classed me as Sexually Deviant?
So it is like the physical urge and desire has died off. But there is still a lingering subconscious desire. I have been sleeping a little bit more last few nights. And I have been having very lucid dreams. With someone or rather a multiple of someones. I kind of know them, so it gets a little heated some nights.
It is a confusing thing attraction and desire and I don't pretend to understand it at all. I go with the flow and see what happens. That is part of how I live my life, and why I am not really concerned or bothered about what is happening at present. If I am to move to Milton Keynes, I shall see what happens with the people who invade my dreams. And yes there are more than one who I have been dreaming lucidly of, recently.
Life likes to not make sense I feel at times. But I will do what I can and try to at least make it fun.
So it is like the physical urge and desire has died off. But there is still a lingering subconscious desire. I have been sleeping a little bit more last few nights. And I have been having very lucid dreams. With someone or rather a multiple of someones. I kind of know them, so it gets a little heated some nights.
It is a confusing thing attraction and desire and I don't pretend to understand it at all. I go with the flow and see what happens. That is part of how I live my life, and why I am not really concerned or bothered about what is happening at present. If I am to move to Milton Keynes, I shall see what happens with the people who invade my dreams. And yes there are more than one who I have been dreaming lucidly of, recently.
Life likes to not make sense I feel at times. But I will do what I can and try to at least make it fun.
Saturday, 14 August 2010
Determined to make a better life.
I am, truly determined that by the time I get to Milton Keynes. I will be in a better place. I am going to start to turn my life around so that I am sleeping better, doing more exercise and other things.
I am going to walk to the hospital this week and see if I can get some work experience sorted out. Just a couple of weeks would be highly useful. Because I am determined to get into a University to study nursing in Sept 11.
So that means I have a year. One year to get things sorted and to make some headway. Time to exercise some of my demons I feel. Grief, Depression and Loneliness, being the three main ones. Grief is an issue that has followed me, I am still uncertain how to handle it fully, but I am getting there slowly. Same with the depression, I know it will be long term, and I know that I will hit rough patches but I have found ways to deal with it, either by taking a long walk, or by painting or by the very medium of blogging. Loneliness is complex. It is sometimes my own doing, the fact that at down times I get paranoid so push people away or the fact that the people I like to hang out with live in Chesterfield/Derby or further afield. I guess kindred spirits are few and far between so should be held on to no matter what.
These reasons are why I have all ready contacted HQMK, the Milton Keynes LGBT Youth Group. I am determined to make some new friends, and have some more people to hang out with. Because I know I need to, and it will help with the other things too.
I have made an application to TSO, on QYN. It feels right, and I honestly believe I can give it my best. I like to at least try to help people and that is part of the reason I want to become a Nurse. I like to help, I often care and the idea of helping someone heal and recover is something that I have wanted to do since I was very small. So like maybe we are born to for fill a role. I think I am meant to be a healer of some sort. I have always been drawn to it.
I am a happier person than I was a fair few months ago, if I am really honest. My heart is always having complex issues with desire, but that as they say is best left for the next blog.
I am always trying to recreate myself, not because I feel the need to, but because part of me truly like the challenge. Guess one likes to fight even if it is against themselves sometimes.
I am going to walk to the hospital this week and see if I can get some work experience sorted out. Just a couple of weeks would be highly useful. Because I am determined to get into a University to study nursing in Sept 11.
So that means I have a year. One year to get things sorted and to make some headway. Time to exercise some of my demons I feel. Grief, Depression and Loneliness, being the three main ones. Grief is an issue that has followed me, I am still uncertain how to handle it fully, but I am getting there slowly. Same with the depression, I know it will be long term, and I know that I will hit rough patches but I have found ways to deal with it, either by taking a long walk, or by painting or by the very medium of blogging. Loneliness is complex. It is sometimes my own doing, the fact that at down times I get paranoid so push people away or the fact that the people I like to hang out with live in Chesterfield/Derby or further afield. I guess kindred spirits are few and far between so should be held on to no matter what.
These reasons are why I have all ready contacted HQMK, the Milton Keynes LGBT Youth Group. I am determined to make some new friends, and have some more people to hang out with. Because I know I need to, and it will help with the other things too.
I have made an application to TSO, on QYN. It feels right, and I honestly believe I can give it my best. I like to at least try to help people and that is part of the reason I want to become a Nurse. I like to help, I often care and the idea of helping someone heal and recover is something that I have wanted to do since I was very small. So like maybe we are born to for fill a role. I think I am meant to be a healer of some sort. I have always been drawn to it.
I am a happier person than I was a fair few months ago, if I am really honest. My heart is always having complex issues with desire, but that as they say is best left for the next blog.
I am always trying to recreate myself, not because I feel the need to, but because part of me truly like the challenge. Guess one likes to fight even if it is against themselves sometimes.
Friday, 13 August 2010
The short end of the stick.
And you may have guessed by the title, rant time.
I am sick of DWP. First they cut me off for 5 weeks WITHOUT informing that that was going to be the case. Then well then this week they received my new sick note on Tuesday, this is fine, what is not fine is that the had both the new and old notes and still didn't put my benefit through, so they sent it out on Wednesday in the post. And then told me today that was the case and that there had been issues of people not getting their giros this week. And I can't report it missing till Tuesday, For fuck sake!
I had planned to sort out name change this week (so that it was all in place for Monday) and that included sorting out the repeated use of MR by DWP, I have politely asked them twice, in writing, to not use any titles when referring to myself as MR is not the correct title I use. Twice they have ignored me, and then wonder why with the repeated MR, Sir and other bollocks they keep saying I get agitated with them on the phone. Some days I just want to scream it at them. That they are using the wrong pronouns (In fact I have done so, they went I am sorry to here that... Sir!), the level of customer care with DWP is disgusting to say the least.
Still have no Idea what I am actually going to tell mum, about title and in a sense gender change. I guess I will change it on paper and then say "By the way I have changed my title to Mx..." and just see how she actually reacts to it. I am going to see if I can find the money (or start saving a bit up over the next 6 weeks) so that I can at last be rid of the horrid facial hair! Goal number 3 on my list of Trans targets.
I may do a Vlog later on today. Will shave and have Tea first mind. But it has been a long time since I last did one so doing one soon feels right. And I have to find a way to keep Giles out of my room and off the Xbox, I don't feel like I can relax and paint or stuff with other people in my bedroom, it is after all my sanctuary and my safe place, I don't particularly want other people in there. More so all day.
I hope that when we do move, I will actually get some time alone, yet is it just me that it happens to, when I am not in the eye sight of my family, I get asked to do everything and when I am (most likely on my laptop) I get called rude because I am not talking to others? It confuses the fuck out of me. I like to do my own thing, or talk to people who actually like to talk to me. I have gone days with saying little more than hello and good night. I do so because no one wants to know what is going on in my life in the family. Yet if I don't want to know what is going on with anyone I get called rude and unpleasant? That just seems a little fucked up if I am honest.
Fortune favours the bold, the bold favour chance and chance doesn't give a flying fuck, it is pure probability.
Food for thought maybe...
I am sick of DWP. First they cut me off for 5 weeks WITHOUT informing that that was going to be the case. Then well then this week they received my new sick note on Tuesday, this is fine, what is not fine is that the had both the new and old notes and still didn't put my benefit through, so they sent it out on Wednesday in the post. And then told me today that was the case and that there had been issues of people not getting their giros this week. And I can't report it missing till Tuesday, For fuck sake!
I had planned to sort out name change this week (so that it was all in place for Monday) and that included sorting out the repeated use of MR by DWP, I have politely asked them twice, in writing, to not use any titles when referring to myself as MR is not the correct title I use. Twice they have ignored me, and then wonder why with the repeated MR, Sir and other bollocks they keep saying I get agitated with them on the phone. Some days I just want to scream it at them. That they are using the wrong pronouns (In fact I have done so, they went I am sorry to here that... Sir!), the level of customer care with DWP is disgusting to say the least.
Still have no Idea what I am actually going to tell mum, about title and in a sense gender change. I guess I will change it on paper and then say "By the way I have changed my title to Mx..." and just see how she actually reacts to it. I am going to see if I can find the money (or start saving a bit up over the next 6 weeks) so that I can at last be rid of the horrid facial hair! Goal number 3 on my list of Trans targets.
I may do a Vlog later on today. Will shave and have Tea first mind. But it has been a long time since I last did one so doing one soon feels right. And I have to find a way to keep Giles out of my room and off the Xbox, I don't feel like I can relax and paint or stuff with other people in my bedroom, it is after all my sanctuary and my safe place, I don't particularly want other people in there. More so all day.
I hope that when we do move, I will actually get some time alone, yet is it just me that it happens to, when I am not in the eye sight of my family, I get asked to do everything and when I am (most likely on my laptop) I get called rude because I am not talking to others? It confuses the fuck out of me. I like to do my own thing, or talk to people who actually like to talk to me. I have gone days with saying little more than hello and good night. I do so because no one wants to know what is going on in my life in the family. Yet if I don't want to know what is going on with anyone I get called rude and unpleasant? That just seems a little fucked up if I am honest.
Fortune favours the bold, the bold favour chance and chance doesn't give a flying fuck, it is pure probability.
Food for thought maybe...
Thursday, 12 August 2010
Lethargy - Caused by the Summer
I am so drained at present.
Too warm, too sunny and frankly too irritating to actually move much.
I get like this often during the summer. Doesn't help when one is photophobic, and suffers from insomnia and migraines. But such is life.
I am missing Karl, and I am missing other people too. I feel trapped indoors at present because my Step-Dad is on his training course this week and Charl is never at home, meaning I am here to look after Giles all day long. It gets lonely and boring. And because the laptop Giles normally uses to play games on broke completely this morning, I can't even paint in my room because he is playing on the Xbox. Just not a good week to have returned home too it feels.
Either on Friday or Monday I will be making a Statutory Declaration to change my name. This much mum knows, well 75% of what I am changing my name too. She is unaware of the change of title and I am stressing about how to explain this to her. I am now also stressing over the fact that local mental health have moved my appointment back, again. Meaning I have another 2 weeks to wait. But that should at least, kind of work in my favour, seeing as I will have officially changed my name and title (and there for meeting one of the requirements for the GICs) meaning things might move faster down the line. One can at least hope so!
There are 16 days left till Manchester Pride. I have some art work to help finish and then I need to decide on my costume. Something 70/80s I think might be right for me. And sod the dance workshops, no way no how! But the rest of it I can happily do, might even drag some people out for a bit of bra shopping haha...
I think my moods have stabilised to a point at long last, but that doesn't stop me having almost consuming moments of OCD where I have to collect and understand all available data. This leads to immense amounts of personal frustration and means that I distance myself from many things. Including feelings and such like. I can't fully understand them and it does make me very stressed. But I ended up explaining things to someone last night, I just couldn't stop. I explained about why I find trust so hard and why I fear people as a matter of fact. Part of me wishes I hadn't done it, but it happened. I guess I had to explain a lot of things I tend to keep bottled up.
I am someone who is largely a loner by nature, because of the above issues of fear and distrust. I forever endeavour to fully understand everything about anything, just so that I can handle it and similar situations and make an informed decision for the best course and manner to handle it in. I get frustrated at this so I can only imagine how it looks to other people. But I have been this way for 16 years, so not an easy thing to try and change about ones self.
Life is full of small riddles and wonderful puzzles, you just have to take time to marvel at them and see the beauty in any and every situation.
Too warm, too sunny and frankly too irritating to actually move much.
I get like this often during the summer. Doesn't help when one is photophobic, and suffers from insomnia and migraines. But such is life.
I am missing Karl, and I am missing other people too. I feel trapped indoors at present because my Step-Dad is on his training course this week and Charl is never at home, meaning I am here to look after Giles all day long. It gets lonely and boring. And because the laptop Giles normally uses to play games on broke completely this morning, I can't even paint in my room because he is playing on the Xbox. Just not a good week to have returned home too it feels.
Either on Friday or Monday I will be making a Statutory Declaration to change my name. This much mum knows, well 75% of what I am changing my name too. She is unaware of the change of title and I am stressing about how to explain this to her. I am now also stressing over the fact that local mental health have moved my appointment back, again. Meaning I have another 2 weeks to wait. But that should at least, kind of work in my favour, seeing as I will have officially changed my name and title (and there for meeting one of the requirements for the GICs) meaning things might move faster down the line. One can at least hope so!
There are 16 days left till Manchester Pride. I have some art work to help finish and then I need to decide on my costume. Something 70/80s I think might be right for me. And sod the dance workshops, no way no how! But the rest of it I can happily do, might even drag some people out for a bit of bra shopping haha...
I think my moods have stabilised to a point at long last, but that doesn't stop me having almost consuming moments of OCD where I have to collect and understand all available data. This leads to immense amounts of personal frustration and means that I distance myself from many things. Including feelings and such like. I can't fully understand them and it does make me very stressed. But I ended up explaining things to someone last night, I just couldn't stop. I explained about why I find trust so hard and why I fear people as a matter of fact. Part of me wishes I hadn't done it, but it happened. I guess I had to explain a lot of things I tend to keep bottled up.
I am someone who is largely a loner by nature, because of the above issues of fear and distrust. I forever endeavour to fully understand everything about anything, just so that I can handle it and similar situations and make an informed decision for the best course and manner to handle it in. I get frustrated at this so I can only imagine how it looks to other people. But I have been this way for 16 years, so not an easy thing to try and change about ones self.
Life is full of small riddles and wonderful puzzles, you just have to take time to marvel at them and see the beauty in any and every situation.
Wednesday, 11 August 2010
Names and family.
So I told Mum I am changing my name this week. I have yet to tell her about the pronoun change, but I am working out how best to say "Yeah by the way, I am going as Mx from now on, because I am genderqueerish to female."
Just doesn't seem like a polite way to say it.
Being Trans is going to effect my family more than being queer in other ways, I know some would say that it is no one else's life etc, but I know I won't get far with out some level of acceptance. I have been hint dropping and to an extent actually openly talking to mum about Transgenderism and stuff. So one might expect that she has gotten some level of an idea that that is where my life is going. 6 more days, and I will be speaking to the Psych. And hopefully getting the referral I need.
Here is hoping, I might see if Janet is available next Monday I could do with talking to someone who will not patronise me for being me.
But here is the question, how do I one talk to my Mum about change of title and about change of gender, as an actual fact?
Part of me is driven by fear of losing her, the other part by pure determination to be who I am.
Those who know me, will probably know that I have returned to QYN, and that the top half of this has been posted on there. But there is more.
I am changing My name fully to the following: Mx Terran Alexandria Leslie Edwards. Because phonetically it feels and sounds right to me. I need a name that in an odd sense can be as fluid as I am at times. Boxes are for cereal not for people. And I hate to be one thing for too long. More so when it is something that I am not.
This following question appeared on my Formspring today.
"you say you want to be a girl yet all your facebook dp's are really manly.... doesnt make much sense
I have a long way to go, I will transition and feel comfortable with how and when I look. Too many people use the outside to see too many things, but all those who know me in person say I am pretty female."
Other than the terrible grammar, it made me laugh, just because I am not fem, doesn't mean I am not female. Some people are so occupied with how the outside looks they fail to see the person inside. Hence my response. Yet there did seem to be some good Samaritan. Who made a post in my defence.
"want to be a girl? she IS a girl. learn some queer etiquette you retard.people can identify and represent gender however they want.
Thank you kindly Samaritan, I agree with this completely."
Seeing as The other person seems to be on my Facebook profile, and they managed to lack any level of queer etiquette was disheartening if I am honest. More so as 99% of my Facebook friends are Queer in some way, minus my older brother. I guess this is part of the struggle for Transwomen everywhere.
Life is never simple, yet we most always soldier forever onwards, from one battle to the next simply to prove that we do as a matter of fact exist.
Just doesn't seem like a polite way to say it.
Being Trans is going to effect my family more than being queer in other ways, I know some would say that it is no one else's life etc, but I know I won't get far with out some level of acceptance. I have been hint dropping and to an extent actually openly talking to mum about Transgenderism and stuff. So one might expect that she has gotten some level of an idea that that is where my life is going. 6 more days, and I will be speaking to the Psych. And hopefully getting the referral I need.
Here is hoping, I might see if Janet is available next Monday I could do with talking to someone who will not patronise me for being me.
But here is the question, how do I one talk to my Mum about change of title and about change of gender, as an actual fact?
Part of me is driven by fear of losing her, the other part by pure determination to be who I am.
Those who know me, will probably know that I have returned to QYN, and that the top half of this has been posted on there. But there is more.
I am changing My name fully to the following: Mx Terran Alexandria Leslie Edwards. Because phonetically it feels and sounds right to me. I need a name that in an odd sense can be as fluid as I am at times. Boxes are for cereal not for people. And I hate to be one thing for too long. More so when it is something that I am not.
This following question appeared on my Formspring today.
"you say you want to be a girl yet all your facebook dp's are really manly.... doesnt make much sense
I have a long way to go, I will transition and feel comfortable with how and when I look. Too many people use the outside to see too many things, but all those who know me in person say I am pretty female."
Other than the terrible grammar, it made me laugh, just because I am not fem, doesn't mean I am not female. Some people are so occupied with how the outside looks they fail to see the person inside. Hence my response. Yet there did seem to be some good Samaritan. Who made a post in my defence.
"want to be a girl? she IS a girl. learn some queer etiquette you retard.people can identify and represent gender however they want.
Thank you kindly Samaritan, I agree with this completely."
Seeing as The other person seems to be on my Facebook profile, and they managed to lack any level of queer etiquette was disheartening if I am honest. More so as 99% of my Facebook friends are Queer in some way, minus my older brother. I guess this is part of the struggle for Transwomen everywhere.
Life is never simple, yet we most always soldier forever onwards, from one battle to the next simply to prove that we do as a matter of fact exist.
Tuesday, 10 August 2010
The future and other things...
So yeah I have just got back from spending a long over due weekend with Karl (and they have changed the dashboard for Blogger!)
Anyway I have been thinking about a few things.
Firstly, Emotions and Attraction.
I will admit it, I put off seeing Karl (in no smll part to not getting paid correctly) because I was unsure about I how I felt about him. There is still that same attraction there, and the feelings are still pretty strong, but I don't want to drag him into another Long distance relationship, as much as I don't want to be in another one. I guess we will see what happens over the next few months before I move to Milton Keynes.
Secondly, Milton Keynes.
Wow! That place is posh, like supper posh. But I got a very positive vibe about the area. There is a lovely shopping centre local to one brilliant friend and what looks like a very well established LGBT youth project in the form of Q:Alliance. So with luck I will be able to Transition from group to group and hopefully make some new friends. Because that is important. And yes there is also a Games Workshop so fun times ahead. And the group of friends I have built in the Chesterfield/Derby area, I will hopefully be able to see in Birmingham at least once a month too!
Thirdly, Transitioning.
One more week. 7 days till I get to see the Psychiatrist and hopefully get my referral under way to Nottingham Gender Identity Clinic. Meaning that I can begin to transition from gender to gender! On this note, I am seeing a solicitor and changing my name by the end of this week. Form is done, needs to be printed off and signed under oath of commence guidance (or what ever it is!) and I am ready to go.
Fourthly. Possible return to QYN.
I have been thinking it, there are personal reasons I have put it off for a while. Persistent persecution is one of them. And that fact that I was grieving for a personal loss, it may have happened years back, but it still really hurts. I guess she is the reason I try so hard to help people. I am reluctant to admit it, but I think with moving to the South East, I could probably do with the support that QYN provides. Even if I don't attend meets any more. But it will be a largely alien area for a few months time at least. So we shall see, I won't go back if I am still restricted, because that doesn't seem right, more so as it was for an unjust reason.
Finally.
I have been thinking about what actually makes a human being into a person. And I remember being told once that the negative experiences shape people more than the positives. If this is the case maybe the reason I am a little scattered is to do with this. I have been through a lot of bullying. Abusive relationships with various people, and a massive lack of stability in my life have I feel help shape me in to being a little unpredictable, and defiant. And maybe the reason I am so determined to see the bad through, because at some point it has to get better. Surely? I will admit I find relationships of any kind hard work. I never made friends easily before. I get thoroughly confused with mine and others emotions, in a sense I lived as a robot for many years, not feeling. I have to understand and locate the meaning behind everything, motive, word and action. I think this freaks people out more often than they say.
But one thing is for sure, I am pragmatic and a little insecure, but I will always fight for both those I care about and for what I believe in.
Anyway I have been thinking about a few things.
Firstly, Emotions and Attraction.
I will admit it, I put off seeing Karl (in no smll part to not getting paid correctly) because I was unsure about I how I felt about him. There is still that same attraction there, and the feelings are still pretty strong, but I don't want to drag him into another Long distance relationship, as much as I don't want to be in another one. I guess we will see what happens over the next few months before I move to Milton Keynes.
Secondly, Milton Keynes.
Wow! That place is posh, like supper posh. But I got a very positive vibe about the area. There is a lovely shopping centre local to one brilliant friend and what looks like a very well established LGBT youth project in the form of Q:Alliance. So with luck I will be able to Transition from group to group and hopefully make some new friends. Because that is important. And yes there is also a Games Workshop so fun times ahead. And the group of friends I have built in the Chesterfield/Derby area, I will hopefully be able to see in Birmingham at least once a month too!
Thirdly, Transitioning.
One more week. 7 days till I get to see the Psychiatrist and hopefully get my referral under way to Nottingham Gender Identity Clinic. Meaning that I can begin to transition from gender to gender! On this note, I am seeing a solicitor and changing my name by the end of this week. Form is done, needs to be printed off and signed under oath of commence guidance (or what ever it is!) and I am ready to go.
Fourthly. Possible return to QYN.
I have been thinking it, there are personal reasons I have put it off for a while. Persistent persecution is one of them. And that fact that I was grieving for a personal loss, it may have happened years back, but it still really hurts. I guess she is the reason I try so hard to help people. I am reluctant to admit it, but I think with moving to the South East, I could probably do with the support that QYN provides. Even if I don't attend meets any more. But it will be a largely alien area for a few months time at least. So we shall see, I won't go back if I am still restricted, because that doesn't seem right, more so as it was for an unjust reason.
Finally.
I have been thinking about what actually makes a human being into a person. And I remember being told once that the negative experiences shape people more than the positives. If this is the case maybe the reason I am a little scattered is to do with this. I have been through a lot of bullying. Abusive relationships with various people, and a massive lack of stability in my life have I feel help shape me in to being a little unpredictable, and defiant. And maybe the reason I am so determined to see the bad through, because at some point it has to get better. Surely? I will admit I find relationships of any kind hard work. I never made friends easily before. I get thoroughly confused with mine and others emotions, in a sense I lived as a robot for many years, not feeling. I have to understand and locate the meaning behind everything, motive, word and action. I think this freaks people out more often than they say.
But one thing is for sure, I am pragmatic and a little insecure, but I will always fight for both those I care about and for what I believe in.
Sunday, 8 August 2010
Euphoria and other things
I have had the Mirtazapine increased to 45mg, and it is having the effects of a sedative again, meaning that last night I slept rather well, kind of cuddle up with Karl. And didn't really come round till about 2 in the afternoon! Which for me is a big thing. Therefore something to be happy about.
Because Karl is still a volunteer and member of QYN, today I was able to observe some what of a rather typical argument between volunteers on the forum. It kind of highlighted one of the reasons I don't feel I can return to the forum, that of people from a certain area assuming that they are better than anyone else. This is further causing me to not want to return seeing as with the coming move to Milton Keynes, I would end up in that area, and to be frank, I am not keen on becoming involved what so ever with the South East group.
Mind I will do my best to find some Queer related place to join when I do move down to this kind of area. Because I like the fact that I have the B.yoU and OMG projects in Wigan, and I like the fact that I am able to travel to see others friends and stuff, so therefore I would like to be able to transition directly from one group to the next. I have discovered the necessities of a supportive youth focused activity project and I wish to continue to attend one as soon as I move down to Milton Keynes.
I guess if things were or are changed for the better then a small part of me would like to return to QYN, but a larger part of my mind says that it isn't the best place for a difficult minded young Transwoman. There has to be a good place, and I am hoping that there is a Trans inclusive youth Project in the Milton Keynes area, because it would be nice to meet some new people, and it would also be nice to be involved with something too.
Emotions are proving as confusing as always, I never know to trust them or not, but who knows, there might be somethings worth following through, if the other day proved anything, attraction never really disappears. So who knows, we shall see what happens.
Mind I guess you get used to an area, I wouldn't say I love Wigan, but it has become something of a comfy pair of shoes over the years, there are places and people I can be me around, a bit a weird and unstable person at times, but still people who accept and tolerate me, I will find it hard to leave that behind.
Until next time..... RAWR!......
Saturday, 7 August 2010
Rawr!
There be lions!
In Northampton. Yeah I took pictures of them :p
I am having a rather intersing time with Karl, taking photos as always lol.
I feel relaxed, which is rather nice, and the company is rather increadible :)
I am actually starting to see some more benifits to moving to this area, which can only be a good thing in the long run of things.
Mind there the fact that there isn't a decent place to get curry within walking distance of Karl's so I will have to do something about that...
Chips and Milkshake for Tea maybe :D
In Northampton. Yeah I took pictures of them :p
I am having a rather intersing time with Karl, taking photos as always lol.
I feel relaxed, which is rather nice, and the company is rather increadible :)
I am actually starting to see some more benifits to moving to this area, which can only be a good thing in the long run of things.
Mind there the fact that there isn't a decent place to get curry within walking distance of Karl's so I will have to do something about that...
Chips and Milkshake for Tea maybe :D
Thursday, 5 August 2010
Return of the four Muskequeers!
From the left.
Me, Kal, Carlisle and Sakura!
Yesterday was one of the best days of my life! In a very long time. And yes a completely geeky day, which is awesome! I got to spend the day with three of the most incredible people I know! There are other people in that list who I think are rather awesome too. But those 3 are some of my personal favourite people. Love you guys!
I need a pick me up, the last 5 weeks alone have been tough.
And today I am off to see Karl for a long weekend! Can't wait if I am honest.
So I am going to post the battle report soon.
Xenos scum at dawn!
Yesterday I have played again against Sakura and her Tau Empire army.
Below is the army I have used and the resultant army list. As you can see there have been a few changes from the battle against Kel, Namely an increase in points cost, meaning I was able to take a devastator squad and an additional Tactical Squad, I also dropped both the Chaplin and the flamer wielding Dreadnought, in favour for the Captain, the tooled up command squad and a slight change of weapons in the squads in general. We shall see if this army performs any better than the one used last time. I also hope that we will play more to the time limit of the game too.
Void Knights Army List 1500
Captain 100 140
Bolter with Hellfire Rounds 10
Relic Blade 30
Command Squad 115 190
Company Champion 15
Company Standard Bearer 15
With Power Weapon 15
Veteran with Power Weapon 15
Veteran with Power Weapon 15
Tactical Squad 90 185
5 Additional Space Marine 80
Plasma Gun 10
Plasma Cannon 5
Tactical Squad 90 170
5 Additional Space Marine 80
Flamer free
Heavy Bolter free
Tactical Squad 90 175
5 Additional Space Marine 80
Melta Gun 5
Multi Melta free
Tactical Squad 90 175
5 Additional Space Marine 80
Melta Gun 5
Multi Melta free
Assault Squad 100 225
5 Additional Assault Marines 90
Flamer 10
Flamer 10
Sergeant with Power Weapon 15
Devastator Squad 90 240
5 Additional Space Marines 80
Missile Launcher 15
Missile Launcher 15
Heavy Bolter 15
Heavy Bolter 15
Sergeant with Storm Bolter 10
Here you can see Sakura’s Tau Empire list and her army list.
1 shas’o r’alai 225Pts
Two Marker light drones
Pulse submution rifle
1 Commander Shas'o (HQ) 140 Pts
Missile Pod;
Plasma Rifle;
Shield Generators
Hard-wired target lock
Hard-wired multi-tracker
1 Crisis Battle suit Team (Elites) 95pts
Twin Linked Fusion Blaster;
Shield Generators
Team leader
Two gun drones
6 Stealth Team (Elites) 195 Pts
Burst Cannon (x5)
Fusion blaster (x1)
Shas’vre
Marker light
12 Fire Warriors (Troops) 152 Pts
Pulse Rifle (x12)
Drone controller two gun drones
12 Fire Warriors (Troops) 152 Pts
Pulse Rifle (x12)
Drone controller two gun drones
11 Kroot Carnivores (Troops) 105 Pts
Kroot Rifle
1 Kroot Shaper Kroot Rifle
HEAVY SUPPORT
1 Hammerhead Gunship (Heavy Support) 155 Pts
Ion cannon; Smart Missile System; Landing Gear
Targeting Array [0]
Multi-tracker [10]
Target Lock [5]
The Game was Annihilation.
I managed to steal the intuitive and that meant I got to go first.
Casualties where small at the start of the game. For both sides.
Sakura deployed heavily in the cover meaning that I had to flush her Tau out.
The casualties began to mount up on both sides.
I pursed to check some rules as the game went on a few times.
All important dice rolls. Saves, shooting, attacks and other things. The dice were fickle for both me and Sakura. Below average most of the game, with critical roles going against us both. After 5 turns I managed to win 4 kill points to 3 kill points. So it was very very close.
I am sorry that I bored you Kal! I will make it up to you next time I am down. I will think of something fun for us to do!
Wednesday, 4 August 2010
Creativity.
Oliver Waite if you could go to any time(past present or future) in any universe (fictional or real) when and where would it be and why?
Most like the Victorian times, so that I could lord/lady it up with the gentry, or perhaps to when Chopin was alive to hear him play.
Charlie 'Kasane' Smart If you could create your own world just for one day, and live there with whoever you wanted, what would it be like? Describe in detail? :)
It would by a Gothic wonderland, Tim Burton esq. I would take the best people I know with me there. And we would party, with cake. I guess I like the Victorian Gothic style, and Tall hats and long tailed coats. It would be a castle. Because castles are kool.
I am some what on a creative kick at present, what with the pride planning and personal projects going on. I love doing this kind of thing, because I like to watch a project grow to completion.
This blog is rather short. I have been busy painting and building as I have gone along.
There will be a big blog tomorrow (or later as it seems) mind.
Tuesday, 3 August 2010
A decent evenings work...
This is two and a half hours of hard work. My Lancashire Rose Poster!
I have done the hard work, drawing the design, and I have mapped the letters out to do in the rainbow colours. I know pretty much I what I need to do. I love painting, and in fact many creative pursuits. Drawing, modelling, cutting and sticking card and stuff, and of course I love painting, as frequent readers will know. So I am looking forward to painting this soon.
I need to make a costume to. Something historic and easy to make, but it has to be ambiguous and represent me well. Ideas faithful readers! Yes I will be sewing and building it myself, I think I can actually do it.
So I have been thinking, I want to share some stuff with those that do read, so I am going to offer you the chance to ask me a question which I will answer in my next blog. To do this, post a question on the link to this blog on Facebook, leaving the question as a comment. Please feel free to ask me just about anything!
I can't wait to see Kal and Sakura on Thursday, and then take a long weekend holiday to see Karl.
Monday, 2 August 2010
Compassion
Is a very powerful thing.
I am not going to name people, but I have witnessed the fallout of two relationships today. From people who I care about.
It has made me think about things, and how they ended for me and Alex back in February. Break ups are never clean. There is always some residual emotional bound. Sometimes we can turn them into great and wonderful friendships. Other times they fester and become bitter.
I believe that we have so much potential as a race, to either love or hate someone. Sometimes we develop feeling we can't quite explain for others. And no matter what we do we have to find ways to deal with them. There is a a few people, I have some strong level of emotional feelings for. I am unsure how I should deal with this at all. To be honest it seems scary how I can feel for people when they haven't really given me any kind of a sign. Or because they have given me mixed singles.
I am not sure about many things right now. It doesn't help because I know that in 3/4 months I am being uprooted. I am going to move to Milton Keynes, I know I have no other option, but to move there, and it will only be for just under a year, before I move to Sheffield for University. So that is all good I guess. And fingers crossed I might be able to get a job as a healthcare assistant and maybe learn to drive.
But my heart is always going to belong in the Midlands, it truly is in your blood. And After 13 years I am going home. Some part of me feels excited and happy that I am kind of getting back to that area. And I think that my heart will end up going to a person in that area. I know that it is kind of true, most of the above people are from that area, I just know that it will happen.
Just hope that I actually get paid this week, I really need a short holiday...
Sunday, 1 August 2010
A new future in Milton Keynes
So it is set in motion. I said it would be so about 6 months. That I would be moving out of the North West for the last time.
This is the first time I will have lived in the South East. And a good many years since I lived in the south.
So where have the last few years been spent. 3 years I have spent in Wigan now, This allowed me to finish college, have a breakdown and learn about LGBTQ issues, and thus who I am and what my gender is. I have also made some wonderful friends, one who I will be moving very close to, other I will be moving far away from. I am not happy about the second one. It is the first time in my life I have had true friends. And I feel like I am going to lose most of them because I have no way of stopping this inevitable move across country.
So I am going to have to work out how to juggle moving and my friends. I guess the first thing is learn to drive, I have a few months before I move down that way, so I will do my best to try and learn to drive. But getting and maintaining a car is going to be another matter. But still what I will be trying my best to do.
I am also going to try and get some form of a job, I have a year before I can go back to University, even know that is going to be a different place and different course. I am aiming for Sheffield and Nursing, because it feels right to me, and I reckon I could do it as a career for many years, so that is my goal and aim for the next few years.
I guess moving away from stuff, friends and other things that I have built up in this area, will be missed and hard to replace anywhere, but I guess the friends are still there, I will still keep in touch and stuff. But I guess I won't be able to actually see them as often. Part of the reason to learn how to drive so that I can see people. I guess I can always take a train and see Karl every week even if he doesn't like it!
But I will not lose what I have waited and fought so hard for all my life I will make sure I have ways to see all my friends as much as I can.
I am nothing if not determined...
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