Have you ever thought, in a moment of life why and how exactly you got to the point you got to? The events and actions, the choices and decisions, the environment and experiences that have shaped both your mind and body. The little things and the big things. I have been kind of thinking about this for sometime now.
I have been thinking of how I managed to develop into this person I am. The last 5 years have been highly intense to say the least. It has taken me 5 years to even managed to talk about losing a friends to suicide. I guess for the best part of 5 years I have been slowly falling apart. All that is left now are the bare bones of who and what I am.
I am female. Yet male bodied.
I am 22 years and 6 months of age.
I am a diabetic.
I suffer with intense bouts of depression.
These are things that could be considered fact.
Other things could well be considered. Such as the people one has as friends. I have a few, but they are close and so incredible, each and everyone. Family I guess is another thing. My family is far from perfect. My Mum is at times really transphobic, at others really accepting. She is the strongest person I know. My step dad, is difficult to get on with, but he truly makes the effort. And lets face it, how many people can come in and be a father figure to 4 highly dysfunctional children and stick it out as we became even more dysfunctional and weird teenagers.
I am blessed, or in fact cursed with having many siblings. 4 that are close, 4 step siblings and many half-siblings. I have no contact with either the step or half-siblings. My older brother Kel, has some major issues of his own, largely mental health ones. My sister is much the same as Kel. But I know that with out them I wouldn't be the person I am now, or for that matter I might not be here now. My younger brother is a pain in the arse. ODD, homophobic and a Chav. I doubt he will grow up or ever except what I am. I have no doubts that he understands it. All 4 of us have some level of Dysphoria, for those three it is Body Dysphoria, for me Gender. My youngest brother is as far removed from the 4 of us as possible, he doesn't have the same preceding SpLD that run with all four of us. Clearly father wasn't genetically sound.
So like some of you will know that I have done many years of Education and moved about the country a lot. I have lived in more towns than I care to remember. And as such have been to many different schools and colleges. I guess valuable life experience, but little else. And I have little to show for all of this moving about. Two Scottish highers, one in Human Bio the other in Psychology. Both at C grade. I also have Two As levels Chemistry and General Studies, both at E and two A2s at E in Law and Biology. I did half a balancing semester at Bolton Uni. It was frankly a lot of bollox.
I guess I am trying to work out how I got to this point in my life, the things I can change and the things that I can't, well easily change.
I am hopefully going to be getting my referral at long last this coming week, and my deed poll. I am making that changes that I need to make in my life to be who I need to be. But there is more than just physical changes I need to make. I need to sort it out, and get enrolled for Uni. I do plan to go to Sheffield Holme. I want to do nursing, but I know I have to wait till next September to start it. This should give me adequate time to get some relevant experience in the field, and to enrol on St John's Ambulance. I am determined to do so, and to hopefully begin to transition as much as I can over the next year.
Sometimes you have to step back and look at the bigger picture so that you can see the areas that you need to improve upon.
