A song by Tarja the exfront liner for Nightwish.
But I have been thinking. Yes I now should stop that habit really.
But I am ever going to be a square peg in a round hole when it comes to socialising. It does complicate life. I feel scared to mingle with people.
But it is like I have been thinking. It has been a fair few weeks since I spent time with people I am close to. I miss them, yet part of me, and I know it is happening. I am withdrawing, I felt it at pride. I have felt it for weeks. I know that I used to have people in Manchester that I could hang out with and relate to. But alas some dick lied and then those friendships withered and died. I guess I have been withdrawing from there.
And yet people don't see how much those lies have hurt me. Or the ones from Jan. Between those 6 months I have lost a lot. Not physically (other than a stone and a half of weight) but I have a fair few mental scars left. Trust no longer exists. And I deliberately stay as far away from others as I can. I just don't feel like I fit in with anyone. Anywhere. I just feel alone now.
This causes other problems. I have a great mask online. I am confident, and cheeky. Flirty and stuff. I am the exact opposite of what I am in real-life. I guess I have become a separate online persona. One that is far removed from the weird human I am.
Friends are still a brand new concept to me. I never had them when I was little. I had one or two in my teens. But that was it. I have few real friends now, but some of them actually seem to want to spend time with me. Still freaks me out. At school I was always the bizarre, moody, angsty, largely silent little freak. Some part of me wants to return to being that person. Weird eh?
I just don't want to be alone any more, but I am scared to want to encounter someone I actually want to be with.
Safety is in what we know best.
