I am, truly determined that by the time I get to Milton Keynes. I will be in a better place. I am going to start to turn my life around so that I am sleeping better, doing more exercise and other things.
I am going to walk to the hospital this week and see if I can get some work experience sorted out. Just a couple of weeks would be highly useful. Because I am determined to get into a University to study nursing in Sept 11.
So that means I have a year. One year to get things sorted and to make some headway. Time to exercise some of my demons I feel. Grief, Depression and Loneliness, being the three main ones. Grief is an issue that has followed me, I am still uncertain how to handle it fully, but I am getting there slowly. Same with the depression, I know it will be long term, and I know that I will hit rough patches but I have found ways to deal with it, either by taking a long walk, or by painting or by the very medium of blogging. Loneliness is complex. It is sometimes my own doing, the fact that at down times I get paranoid so push people away or the fact that the people I like to hang out with live in Chesterfield/Derby or further afield. I guess kindred spirits are few and far between so should be held on to no matter what.
These reasons are why I have all ready contacted HQMK, the Milton Keynes LGBT Youth Group. I am determined to make some new friends, and have some more people to hang out with. Because I know I need to, and it will help with the other things too.
I have made an application to TSO, on QYN. It feels right, and I honestly believe I can give it my best. I like to at least try to help people and that is part of the reason I want to become a Nurse. I like to help, I often care and the idea of helping someone heal and recover is something that I have wanted to do since I was very small. So like maybe we are born to for fill a role. I think I am meant to be a healer of some sort. I have always been drawn to it.
I am a happier person than I was a fair few months ago, if I am really honest. My heart is always having complex issues with desire, but that as they say is best left for the next blog.
I am always trying to recreate myself, not because I feel the need to, but because part of me truly like the challenge. Guess one likes to fight even if it is against themselves sometimes.
