So yeah I have just got back from spending a long over due weekend with Karl (and they have changed the dashboard for Blogger!)
Anyway I have been thinking about a few things.
Firstly, Emotions and Attraction.
I will admit it, I put off seeing Karl (in no smll part to not getting paid correctly) because I was unsure about I how I felt about him. There is still that same attraction there, and the feelings are still pretty strong, but I don't want to drag him into another Long distance relationship, as much as I don't want to be in another one. I guess we will see what happens over the next few months before I move to Milton Keynes.
Secondly, Milton Keynes.
Wow! That place is posh, like supper posh. But I got a very positive vibe about the area. There is a lovely shopping centre local to one brilliant friend and what looks like a very well established LGBT youth project in the form of Q:Alliance. So with luck I will be able to Transition from group to group and hopefully make some new friends. Because that is important. And yes there is also a Games Workshop so fun times ahead. And the group of friends I have built in the Chesterfield/Derby area, I will hopefully be able to see in Birmingham at least once a month too!
Thirdly, Transitioning.
One more week. 7 days till I get to see the Psychiatrist and hopefully get my referral under way to Nottingham Gender Identity Clinic. Meaning that I can begin to transition from gender to gender! On this note, I am seeing a solicitor and changing my name by the end of this week. Form is done, needs to be printed off and signed under oath of commence guidance (or what ever it is!) and I am ready to go.
Fourthly. Possible return to QYN.
I have been thinking it, there are personal reasons I have put it off for a while. Persistent persecution is one of them. And that fact that I was grieving for a personal loss, it may have happened years back, but it still really hurts. I guess she is the reason I try so hard to help people. I am reluctant to admit it, but I think with moving to the South East, I could probably do with the support that QYN provides. Even if I don't attend meets any more. But it will be a largely alien area for a few months time at least. So we shall see, I won't go back if I am still restricted, because that doesn't seem right, more so as it was for an unjust reason.
Finally.
I have been thinking about what actually makes a human being into a person. And I remember being told once that the negative experiences shape people more than the positives. If this is the case maybe the reason I am a little scattered is to do with this. I have been through a lot of bullying. Abusive relationships with various people, and a massive lack of stability in my life have I feel help shape me in to being a little unpredictable, and defiant. And maybe the reason I am so determined to see the bad through, because at some point it has to get better. Surely? I will admit I find relationships of any kind hard work. I never made friends easily before. I get thoroughly confused with mine and others emotions, in a sense I lived as a robot for many years, not feeling. I have to understand and locate the meaning behind everything, motive, word and action. I think this freaks people out more often than they say.
But one thing is for sure, I am pragmatic and a little insecure, but I will always fight for both those I care about and for what I believe in.
