Have you ever thought, in a moment of life why and how exactly you got to the point you got to? The events and actions, the choices and decisions, the environment and experiences that have shaped both your mind and body. The little things and the big things. I have been kind of thinking about this for sometime now.
So as this is going to be coming up soon, I guess I will talk about Gender Dysphoria.
For me it started early. I think. My mind isn’t clear and time is a concept beyond my grasp. Events emerge in an unchronological order. But I have small memories of cross dressing (or should that be wearing the right gendered clothes?) when I was about 6/7 years old. All most all my friends at this time were girls, and yes I got bullied for that. Still I feel like that was the last time I was completely happy. So yeah wearing girls clothes. Then I can recall having it beaten into me, literally, that I was a little boy and should behave as one. Even know I tend to sit and be quite quiet and read most of the time. Or draw/paint etc.
When I was in high school I used to get small amounts of bus fair. I learnt quickly that I could sell things on and did that, the first time I really hung out with two guys really. We sold all sorts of crap. But the money well the money I earned was used to make some purchases of girls clothes and make up at one point…. So yeah I guess I fit the NHS model of Male to Female transgendered individual. Cross dressing and other things in private. That said puberty hit me late, like 16 and 17, after that I really descended into depression.
I guess growing up but never understanding why I felt the way I did was complicated. It wasn’t until I turned 20 that I started trying to understand transgenderism and for that matter sexuality too. I never really found anyone attractive at school. Mainly because St Helens was rough as shit. And the one openly gay lad actually got shanked. So I repressed it all, neither fancying girls or guys. I was I guess a Blank. To some extent I still am, I get so little pleasure from sex, but I do from holding someone and foreplay I guess. And I do enjoy pleasuring someone else. So the term Demi-sexual springs to mind. Only half there most of the time.
I have experienced many unpleasant things with people who can’t respect peoples boundaries. Or there sexual identity. But maybe because of the abusive atmosphere I grew up in, I seek an element of abuse in a personal relationship. Fucked up I know. But I am naturally submissive, and to me that is am important part of being in a relationship. A safe level of abuse I guess. Mind I have an instinctive distrust of people, find being touched makes me feel scared. Ever the paradox I guess.
It is the same with friendships mind. I find it hard to deal with and trust other people, for any prolonged period of time. The fact that in the last 15 months I have made some wonderful friends is to a degree a miracle in itself. I will admit it, I am scared and fear people. Part of me always will do so too.
So there we have it, everything I have been thinking about for the last few weeks, laid out for all to see and for some to try and understand it.
Sometimes it is right to hide things from people, to take up the cloak and dagger, because only in secrecy can a truth be revealed.
