I am so drained at present.
Too warm, too sunny and frankly too irritating to actually move much.
I get like this often during the summer. Doesn't help when one is photophobic, and suffers from insomnia and migraines. But such is life.
I am missing Karl, and I am missing other people too. I feel trapped indoors at present because my Step-Dad is on his training course this week and Charl is never at home, meaning I am here to look after Giles all day long. It gets lonely and boring. And because the laptop Giles normally uses to play games on broke completely this morning, I can't even paint in my room because he is playing on the Xbox. Just not a good week to have returned home too it feels.
Either on Friday or Monday I will be making a Statutory Declaration to change my name. This much mum knows, well 75% of what I am changing my name too. She is unaware of the change of title and I am stressing about how to explain this to her. I am now also stressing over the fact that local mental health have moved my appointment back, again. Meaning I have another 2 weeks to wait. But that should at least, kind of work in my favour, seeing as I will have officially changed my name and title (and there for meeting one of the requirements for the GICs) meaning things might move faster down the line. One can at least hope so!
There are 16 days left till Manchester Pride. I have some art work to help finish and then I need to decide on my costume. Something 70/80s I think might be right for me. And sod the dance workshops, no way no how! But the rest of it I can happily do, might even drag some people out for a bit of bra shopping haha...
I think my moods have stabilised to a point at long last, but that doesn't stop me having almost consuming moments of OCD where I have to collect and understand all available data. This leads to immense amounts of personal frustration and means that I distance myself from many things. Including feelings and such like. I can't fully understand them and it does make me very stressed. But I ended up explaining things to someone last night, I just couldn't stop. I explained about why I find trust so hard and why I fear people as a matter of fact. Part of me wishes I hadn't done it, but it happened. I guess I had to explain a lot of things I tend to keep bottled up.
I am someone who is largely a loner by nature, because of the above issues of fear and distrust. I forever endeavour to fully understand everything about anything, just so that I can handle it and similar situations and make an informed decision for the best course and manner to handle it in. I get frustrated at this so I can only imagine how it looks to other people. But I have been this way for 16 years, so not an easy thing to try and change about ones self.
Life is full of small riddles and wonderful puzzles, you just have to take time to marvel at them and see the beauty in any and every situation.
