Have you ever thought, in a moment of life why and how exactly you got to the point you got to? The events and actions, the choices and decisions, the environment and experiences that have shaped both your mind and body. The little things and the big things. I have been kind of thinking it for sometime now.
Coulrophobia, a fear of clowns is such an example. When I was three I didn't sleep well. My biological father thought it would be a good idea for me to sit and watch the film IT. I have been scared of clowns ever since.
When I was 8/9, like everyone, I did swimming lessons like everyone. Unlike everyone I nearly drown. I was laughed at by the teacher and other pupils because the lifeguard actually had to save me. I refused to ever swim again and have become hydrophobic since.
At some point in my early childhood I was attacked by a large dog. Can't remember when but I used to have faint scaring on my left leg. Still very scared of big dogs, they make me panic a lot. So you guessed it I am rather cynophobic.
It isn't all bad things mind. There have been some good experiences, like passing my GCSEs and stuff. Meeting some incredible people young and old. But it is like the negatives have shaped my life a lot more.
My biological father was a physically abusive man. His parents where as well. Particularly towards me, out of the four of us, and not nice to my young brother either, but then he has always exhibited signs of Oppositional Defiant Disorder. My I have always been diabetic, dyspraxic and have had other issues. All four of us do, but it isn't so clear with Kel or Charl. But with me it can be picked upon a lot. I feel this is part of the reason I had a hard time with that side of the family. Because they aren't and never will be my family.
Bullying does seem to stalk me a lot mind. Had it since I started school from pupil and teacher. Senior school was a harsh time for me. I got beat up, called names and generally my life was made to feel rubbish and worthless. Which is why I am proud of the 4 Bs, 2 Cs and 4 Ds I came out with 6 years ago.
Moving about the country has had a few benefits. I have met and lost some wonderful people. But I have had a chance to see and experience many things. Mind the bullying has always followed me, physical, verbal, and just about everything else, including for being English. I have dealt with depression under all of this. Since I was 8. When that teacher called me pathetic for nearly drowning...
I have only recently discovered that the underlying dysphoria I have felt for so long is related largely to gender. I have tried so hard to be a man, but it isn't what I am. I know this now. 22 years after I was born. I have put myself through a lot, and fate has decided that I should experience even more. Janet said to me, you have been through fucking shit, you have had it hard. Same for all 15 of the counsellors I have done many sessions with. Why? Sure I have had difficult parts, but I don't think I have had it any worse than anyone else.
I am trans yes. But that isn't why I find it so hard to cope. I just know that I need some help to correct what I am is all. I have experienced some horrible things, but so have many many others. People have to work through things to get better yeah? I will admit I have had it rough, abuse, losing a wonderful friend to suicide, sexual assault, constant and to this day bullying, periods of intense stress and loneliness and a massive lack of stability, because Mum has been running for so long. But I have worked through it, a little battered and bruised maybe. But my heart still beats and I still stand strong, a bit with support of friends at last.
Is it any wonder that a person who has experienced a lot of hardship and negativity is both dysfunctional and a little paranoid at times?
A heart that hurts is a heart that works. A mind that can grow in darkness, can work through any hardship.
