Ideals of Faith

So some people who will read this, I know are all to ready to bash faith.

I know I do, but then with Christianity I have had issues with its concepts, but more with people treating me like crap because I like to think, and yes because of both gender and sexuality. I am not going to deny that I have issues with that god. But by virtue of who I am the other mainstream gods hate me too. I can't take a god serious that is unaccepting, sorry just who I am. I know that some people are religious, my fault isn't with you, just with some of the treatment I have had.

Last year I marched with QYN in Manchester Pride's Parade. I enjoyed being proud of who I am, and demonstrating it. I didn't feel quite right yelling abuse at people who don't know nothing better. I don't know, things are not as clear as they should be.

I have read the Bible, the Qur'an and other religious texts, I have read all the scientific counter arguments. I think they are all the same, both the texts and counter texts, they make the same arguments, and don't provide any clear answers.

I guess for me faith has become something more personal. I would say I am spiritual, with an interest in the old religions, like the Norse, Romans, Greek and Egyptians. I love the stories and inspiration they give. So much more interesting and for me, in a way more beautiful.

Yes I like to read tarot cards and do rune readings. I enjoy talks about philosophical subjects. I love to feel I can have hope and faith in something. Even in Warhammer I am drawn to armies with some level of religious feeling and drive behind them. I guess because I am driven by hope, therefore a faith in something, I feel that some form of religion is actually quite important. No matter what kind, whether the Preachings to Masses or the more personal kind I feel it is important to have something to believe in.

I guess it is what drives things. That tiny hope that things will get better, a life after this one or even that we are being protected, whether by divine beings or via a certain Time Lord, it is still pretty much the same thing. I think I will leave this here.

"Love thy self as you would another"

Compersistion

Some things are often written to happen in a set way.

Most of us would see this as dramatic scripting, and would frequent Cinemas, Theatres or even sit in front of the Television to watch it. Yet most people fail to realise that more often than not some being of god like proportions is writing theatrical grandeur into our very own lives. We as a race have an obsession to see other peoples lives play out in dramatic fashion, that sometimes we interfere to see if we can stir things up a level. Or is it just me that sees that that happens?

But I will admit, when my own life seems dull or boring, I find a way to challenge myself, or too make things more interesting. I guess I need to push the okay and mediocre about, shake things up so that I can have something to do in my life. Maybe this is a sign of advanced depression or maybe it is a coping mechanism from another part of life. But currently, I am a little lost. I can only see a limited view in front of me, which is highly frustrating.

Sometimes we create things to try and solve our problems. But how do I solve the issue of near permanent boredom and loneliness? I tend to write short stories, or paint, or find something creative to occupy myself for hours. Sometimes I think, and create stories in my head of Person A and B etc, and how they interact with each other. I have found it can be a great way of solving personal problems sometimes. Others it is purely people watching.

But it does make me think a lot. Why are 85% of the things I spend my time doing, solitary or involving people online but not in the flesh. I do constantly feel lonely, and at times I will admit I seek attention and affection. But for the majority of my life I am content to be following the solitary and lonesome path I have been on for the best part of 22 years. I can get so frustrated with people at times, and not actually speak to a person in the flesh for a week to 10 days and not even notice that fact. I tend to avoid using a phone and stuff, and when I do leave the home I do some with loud music in my ears and sunglasses on.

I guess I do purposely come across as unsocial and moody at times, because that is the armour that I have been wearing for so long, it is hard to shed that skin and develop a new me. And what else could I be? Social, high maintenance, suck up and perky? No thanks, I have watched people like that slowly destroy themselves. And I am not that shallow either. I like the fact that I am independent and that I have few very close friends, I just know that I sometimes need to make more of an effort and be a little more social with my friends etc.

I guess I have been thinking a lot of stuff over the last few weeks, and I know that change is inevitable, and that I might lose the friends I have waited so long for, if I don't make the effort to be social and stuff. But without money it does seem hard to be able to see the ones I love.

Fingers crossed it will all be okay sooner rather than later, because my story isn't going to be written back into darkness, I am more happy now than I have been in a very long time, I don't want to lose that now, I want it to keep getting better.

Best laid plans...

... Are prone to fuck ups.

And for once it isn't my fault.

So I was hoping to go to Nottingham Pride on Saturday, but thanks to ESA department, not letting me have my benefit I can't go. Which fucking hurts. I was hoping to see some of the best people on earth who I am lucky to have as friends.

One of them I wish I could be there for, not trapped up here on my own. But that isn't because of being alone, it is because I know he needs the company. Even if he will feel like he needs to be alone, grief is complex. But he will always have to love of people here for him.

Seems that plans can be made, taking almost everything possible into account, but something can happen and it will cause turmoil and chaos. Things can't be stopped when they are set in motion even if they are cruel and unfair. But we have to work through them, we have to keep on fighting to get to where we need to be.

We can never give up, we have to keep on working hard and fighting for our place in this world. Some days I know it gets so hard. So hard that we feel the only option is to curl into a ball and cry. Sometimes it is ok to do just that. As long as we allow others into help us, we can survive. I have been through so much in 22 years. I know that we all experience the pains of grief, but that kind of pain is some what difficult when it is due to suicide. 5 years ago a brilliant girl let the bad stuff in her life, take control and she ended it. She was my first true friend, and I loved the person she was. It isn't something I often talk about. But it happened.

I hope you are in a safe place Sarah I really do.

People get suicidal for so many and varied reasons. But having grieved over one and attempted it myself I will admit I know it is the single most selfish act anyone can do, yet I can also understand that sometimes it looks like there isn't another option. But no matter how small it seems you have to find something that gives you hope.

Hope may only be a belief or faith in something but it is so powerful. It can keep someone going for so long. I know this because I have been through the darkest moments and yet I have clutched on to hope always. Sometimes it has been all I have had. I have always made friends so rarely in my life, the fact that I now have a fair few.

That give me more hope than anything.

Yeah I do apologise for this having been depressive. But sometimes we see tiny warning signs and it sends off massive alarm bells in our heads.

And I know that this time I will be there to help those who need it no matter what.

50th blog!

So I have been thinking all day.

First I would like to start with a big thank you for all the guys who do bother to read this. And have been there along side me in the bad and good times. I think a bit of an Oscar Speech is in order.

Alex, One of lives truly amazing good guys.

Dean, I like the fact that you are supportive and always there.

Oliver, Your amazing dude!

Karl, I loved you as a lover, and I love you as a Brother.

Sakura, Thanks a lot for everything.

Carlisle, You never fail to make me smile.

Harper, Your a special little guy.

Kallum, Your incredible man, simply incredible.

Alex, We haven't talked since we parted, but thanks all the same.

Evan and Sam, You guys are both pretty awesome.

Sye, Thanks a lot, you introduced me to a whole new world.

Charlie, Always there for me, and I am always there for you.

Kara, Your a good mate.

Emmertt, You have helped me more than I should have asked for.

Janet, Alan, Cathy and Mikey, thanks for all the help and support.

There are most likely others that I can't remember right now, but thanks to you all.

I have and I know it, abused the friendships I have to some degree, I will not deny that fact. But until last year, I didn't have real friends.

I thought that it was best to say thank you, because you never know what might happen tomorrow.

I know when I first started this blog that I have gone from one place to the next. Good to bad and well all over the place. It has been about 45 days since I started it, the same time QYN went down. I have been thinking things through since then, and I will admit I have questioned myself and my identity a bit, and my value and other things for quite sometime. But I know, even know Mikey has asked me to return to QYN, that I don't feel like I can or will return to there. I feel so old (and I am not talking physically, as in age) I feel like I have matured beyond the majority of QYNs membership.

So the decision is not to return there. But I don't think I fitted in to begin with, and I don't feel I will in the future. Over the last year I have learnt so much from so many different places. It has been hard and fast, but I have grown to understand some things, that I had no idea of before I accidentally stumbled over QYN in a random google search. But most importantly I understood the dysphoria that has plagued me since I was a child. I am transgendered and proud to understand that fact. I always felt I was something different, but now at last I know, and I am doing what I can to become the person I truly am.

I am not sure what else there is to come in life, but I can say one thing. I know now that I am not alone. Not as I spent my life for the last 18 years. Never ever trusting people, not having friends to talk to, the closet thing I had to friends were my older Brother and Sister. But they have their own lives, I can't keep depending on them for the rest of my life. I guess my friends were authors and models and stuff. I have lived so solitary it is rather silly, but I can't live that way any more. I know I need social interaction.

I guess what I feel is that I have lived a slightly difficult life, but I can and will live a better life in the future. I will make it so that I can enjoy and live my life because I know that people will be there this time to turn to if things get difficult. I know what it means to have a family of friends.

I feel hopeful, 19 days after today, till I see the local Psychiatrist and hopefully will get referred to Nottingham Gender Identity Clinic. And Terran can then truly come out to play.

I am finally getting control of my life. I am happy, well not entirely but getting there at last.

Shyness

So why is it, when we like someone we pussy foot around them.

We compliment them, do our best to make them feel good about things.

Yet we lack the courage to just say, "hey I like you, like a lot."

There has been this guy, I have known him just over a year. He is one of the nicest and most honourable, handsome guys that I know.

Yet I couldn't ever tell him directly how I feel. Because one I don't think he feels the same way about me, and two he is just as shy as I am. Just one of those little issues of life I guess.

Anyway I have had a nightmarish trangsty day. Been he/Mr/Young man'ed all bloody day. I haven't felt male in a very very long time. Like since last August. I don't feel comfortable as the person I am. But then it hit me, I am not Mr Edward Terence Mawer. I haven't been for longer than I thought, nearly a whole year if I am honest. I am Mx Terran Alexandria Leslie Edwards.

And soon I shall be on paper!

Someday I need to actually to realise that I am the person that I make myself. Not the person made by others, or the person who expectations tried to create.

I am wholly my own creation, and I shall live my life as such.

Evening stroll

So why do people not go out so much at night?

Is it a fear of the dark?

That people are naturally diurnal?

The media scaremongering about the levels of crimes that take place at night?

I don't think I ever have been scared of the dark, more enchanted about it, if anything.

I like the feel of moving unseen, and at night because of whatever reasons they have, people do move about less. And for someone with vairing levels of social anxiety the less people about the better. I guess the term cloak and dagger comes to mind.

There is something about walking alone at night, that is so peaceful. There is an odd beauty to seeing the moon shine from behind cobweb clouds. Or to here the sound of silence. Or to see it. I will admit I am somewhat nocturnal now, I find sleeping at night difficult, more so in the summer. Heat makes me uncomfortable.

I like the enmity that comes of being alone in the night, I feel safe. I don't feel the same effects of paranoia or anxiety. I don't get the same head aches I get from sunlight, which makes life harder. And I guess I tend to let my imagination run when I walk alone. I think and dream about stuff and I don't know feel a little happy.

People watching is interesting as it is, but the people you see at night are different, they have the shadow of cloak and dagger about them. Makes you wonder why people head out into the darkness, what purpose their journey has. My mind seems freer at night than due in the day, maybe this is what causes my insomnia, or has been caused by it.

Either way, I know I am more creative at night, and less so in the day. And when I can't sleep I tend to channel this into painting or writing or something else. I become more productive and tend to work harder because of it.

Maybe I have slipped into becoming completely Nocturnal and as such am finding it hard to go back to being diurnal. Maybe this is a problem to some people. But I would be one of those people happier to live the night shift. And maybe that is what I should be doing, looking for evening work maybe?

Hmm stuff to think about I guess.

The Thin Purple Line

So today I played a game of 40k against my older brother.

The classic match up of Orks vs Space Marines.

This is the army I used.

Space Marine Army List Total: 990

Chaplin 100 110

Digital Weapon 10

Dreadnought 105 115

Twin linked heavy flamer free

Heavy Flamer 10

Tactical Squad 90 180

5 extra Space Marines 80

Plasma gun 10

Heavy Bolter free

Tactical Squad 90 180

5 extra Space Marines 80

Plasma gun 10

Heavy Bolter free

Tactical Squad 90 180

5 extra Space Marines 80

Plasma gun 10

Heavy Bolter free

Assault Squad 100 225

5 extra Assault Marines 90

Flamer 10

Flamer 10

Sergeant with Power weapon 15

Kel's army contained, a Warboss, A squad 10 of Ork Nobz, Two mobs of 20 boyz, a mob of 18 boyz, and two squadrons of 3 death koptaz. All in all 69 boyz and 6 koptaz.

So I got first turn.

41 Space Marines vs all of Kels army.

First turn had a few minor casualties two marines and 3 orks.

This was the start of my 3rd turn, casualties had still been rather light. Same for Kels. This turn started with my assault squad burning 15 orks with their twin flamers, before engaging them in combat. While I took out one squad of boyz and a kopta. Kels launched his own assault against my tactical squad and Chaplin. The assault lasted for the next few turns.

The Assault squad engaged the Warboss just after he massacred the Chaplin in combat.

After 5 turns, It ended pretty much in a draw.

Kel had appalling dice luck over the course of the game. Which is odd, normally I have terrible luck, but for once the dice were fair.

It was a nice game against someone who is my true Rival.

Hopefully bigger better games to come in the future!

Appeal

So yeah I have been thinking. Recently people have been flirting with me or just showing a more interest in me.

I don't really understand it to be honest.

Maybe as one friend has said it is because people are drawn to me because of my caring side.

Or because I am as another has said dangerous or well rather have a dangerous vibe.

Or maybe because I present as ambiguous or androgynous.

I am not sure, but I am not entirely comfortable with it. Why because it is attention from younger people. I have been accused of disgusting things before, but I can say it takes a lot to grab my attention, personally. And I haven't ever showed interest in people younger, not like that.

But this does lead me to another thing. I have constantly been told to make friends with people my own age. For years and by many different people. I will be honest I find it really difficult to get on with people my own age. I don't know why but I do. Mum always gets worried and starts saying that it is connected to being Autistic. I have been able to get on with people older than me so easy, and I mean 5, 10, 20 or more years older than me. But at the same time 5 years younger than me I seem able to get on with them socially.

And don't for one think I am talking about anything else because I am not. I am talking about friendships that is it.

Anything else from anyone else, I find very uncomfortable. Even when I am in a relationship with someone, I find getting that kind of personal compliments and attention highly difficult to deal with. I find positives aimed at myself frustratingly unnerving at times, in fact most of the time. I like to give but not receive in most ways of lives and I know it sounds weird, but I like to care but not be taken care of.

Complex.

When I receive attraction, no matter where from, I get paranoid about the intentions behind it. I drive away any chances of anything, through fear. I guess this is the damage that was done, by others at the start of the year. And the fallout of paranoia too. I can't trust anyone to get close, so I try my best to avoid people showing attraction in myself.

Sometimes I feel I am truly best alone.

Iniquus

Anyone have any idea what "Iniquus" means without googling it?

Things are getting difficult. Whether or not this is to do with paranoia or something else is yet to be seen.

But I feel like I am being pushed out of places I used to belong to.

This all started back in January with that lying cheating arsehole of a youth worker from Manchester. She lied, and bullied things through making sure that I got isolated from everywhere I sort support and friendship from. She accused me of something hideous. Then lied and reported it in a highly unorthodox manner. But from January to April. I was Alone. Isolated and cut off from pretty much every avenue of support I had. I then just after this started got dumped by a guy I dearly loved. So yeah when it rains it pours.

But this isolation cut me off from various youth projects and places. B.yoU, LGYM and QYN to name the three main ones. Things on QYN where never the same, I knew people had found out why I had been banned. I knew that people would then go on to use that at a later date in their own twisted personal schemes. In the time I was banned from B.yoU, the over 18s group partook in a residential. I haven't felt like I have belonged to that group since then to be honest. It is like they developed bonds of brotherhood and as such gelled together as a group even more so, meaning that someone who hung on the coat-tails and edge of the group, now feels like I am completely alone. As for LGYM fuck it.

I have been bullied of QYN completely now. I don't feel I can belong to a group where so much political scheming goes on. I mean if I wanted to do that I would either join the Labour party or collect Skaven. Either way I would be involved with a large group of self absorbed, scheming bastards. The only differences between the three is the simple fact that Skaven is a concept of a race of ratmen who live in an under-empire, from Warhammer! They all seem to work on the ideals of betrayal, scheming and backstabbing. So I guess that in a way I am better off with out QYN.

But B.yoU, I used to feel part of it, and like I had a safe space, but for a few narrow minded little cunts, who have decided that it is okay and fun to be transphobic, biphobic, hetrophobic and yes lesbianphobic. Why is it that so far in my life I have discovered that Cis-Gay Men are the most narrow minded and disgusting people on this planet? No I am not say that all are, but the people who hate the most do seem to be Cis-Gay Men. I mean I have had friends of strong religious conviction and faiths, that have proven to be less narrow minded, disgusting and righteous in their hatred. Yet these examples of Cis-Gay Men, seem to think it is okay to hate everyone and everything that isn't a White Cis Gay Man. That just seems completely fucked to be honest, more so when they come out with their stories of homophobic abuse. It only takes a few rotten eggs to give the larger group a bad name.

And with that recent news story about the Paedophilic Transwoman from Merseyside really has pissed me off as well. Because one her Solicitor said she did it because she is trans and two because it is a highly unpleasant media stigma casually directed at transpeople, transwomen in particular and makes our lives so much more harder, and causes more undue scrutiny on transwomen. Don't people realise the damage that they can cause by being doing stupid things like this? And don't others realise that they need to respect all people regardless of gender, sexuality, race, culture and country of origin, or is it just me that thinks a small community such as the LGBTQ on should look after its self more, and respect the full diversity that make up the alphabet?

I just feel really pissed off, and like I am being isolated for no clear reason right now.

Iniquus by the way means unfair, unjust and inequality.

Insomnia again

So didn't sleep last night, felt sick all day and then crashed out about 5 in the evening.

Yet I wish I knew what was going on with it, I either sleep or I don't. And if I don't then I tend to crash and burn. I feel so weak and ruined because of it.

Anyway I spent most of the day painting and stuff. And was kind of productive. Got quite a bit done really. And had a lot of fun doing it.

It has made me think mind. I keep following solitary pursuits, I stand alone even with friends. Maybe that is what I am meant to be doing. Being alone and solitary.

I don't know. I get lonely and I crave attention some days. Yet the majority I like to hide, disappear and not get involved with anyone. I then get mildly paranoid that I will be ruining peoples lives, interfering with them and their lives. And I try not to get to involved with their lives. I don't want to even be involved with the breakdowns of stuff.

I don't know, I feel like I am withdrawing as much as I can. I am hiding inside myself again and again. Because it is the safest place I know.

Yeah I am finding trust hard again...

Passion

It takes many forms.

Art, work, relationships, sex, etc.

My passion comes from painting models mainly. I have evolved from a very basic method to something more refined. At least I think. I used to use thick paints and had no respect for the sculpted detail. I used to use mainly metallics and and didn't have any concept of colour theory. So yeah. I now things have changed, I paint in a very different way now. And I know tend to add extra detail in the form of free hand painting.

But you maybe wondering why I am talking about passion.

Well it is something that is everyday yet sometimes we don't see it. In my life there are a few things that I get passion from, Painting, going to B.yoU, listening to Music, watching films and playing games. But I guess that almost of those activities, with the exception of B.yoU are solitary. I know whine, whine, whine, All I seem to do these days.

I need company. Yet I push people away, because I am fiercely independent. I need to find someone who is passionate about the things that interest me. Someone local. I don't necessarily want a lover, just a companion. Someone I can be me around and have a good time with. And yeah do the things I like to do. I know I have people like me as close friends, but geographically they are miles away.

I have been called intensely passionate before now. Because I am, I take everything I do to heart, because I went so long without feeling anything. Yeah I can be intoxicating in a relationship, I won't deny that. But I pour my heart into every pursuit I follow, and I do become passionately involved. The same in love as it is in anything and everything else.

I seek people who are similar, I need people who can become passionately involved in something. I thought I had found that within the QYN community, but I was sadly mistaken, true some wonderfully passionate people I did find on there, and most of my friends are such. But I found more bitchiness and spiteful narrow minded people. This is part of why I haven't returned to the forum, and I doubt I will in the future.

But there are a few people who I feel something for. They are wonderful people. But I know in my heart I am not right for them. I am an intense person, and perhaps too much so. It does explain the issues I have with people and with relationships. And in fact life in general.

I just feel at times, that everything becomes dull, ashen and grey. This then drives me to find a bigger and better stimulus, which of course has other negative issues associated with it. There are people I love for the following "You're completely bonkers... but I shall teach you a secret... All the best people are!" it is a statement that is very true, about the great things in life. The madder/queerer/weirder it seems, the better the experience.

I have 3 days and 3 weeks till I finally see the Psychiatrist, I have been waiting since the end of October 09. Nearing 9 months. Hopefully my life can truly begin and then hopefully, hopefully I can get referred to Nottingham GIC and I can begin to transition.

I have been through hell and back, I am battered and bruised, but I am still going. And I have to carry on going, because I have nothing else really. Just determination and the need to find happiness.

Even if I need to find something as intense as my feelings are to keep me going after...

What makes an identity?

Sexuality

Gender

Appearance

Career

Culture

Friends

Lovers

Interests

I guess these are some of the things. Well at least the ones I am looking at. So lets use them to describe who I am. An Agendered Femaleish Demisexual, who is hoping to become a nurse. Culture is hard never really been stable in an area, so I guess a bit of a wanderer. Friends are all queer and I love them for that. They are each unique and interesting. And I love them, all. Lovers well the ones I have been with, I have let them treat me like crap, I guess that goes back to when I was a child. Yet I can fall for anyone if they have a nice personality, I have tried to out grow what I was basing everything on. And why I am so careful now. And finally Interests.

I am a geek, a nerd and all the other things that are related, and dead proud to be so.

So Agendered femaleish panromantic demisexual, wanderer, with great mates, who happens to be a massive geek!

And I know people will read this and be like Woah! Don't label yourself!

But I am talking about bits that are to do with my Identity so to the "Label Free people" sod you. In fact "Label Free" is guess what, another label! In fact labelling yourself as having an empty label and being free... so yeah work that out!

I have been thinking about stuff a lot as those who read will know, I need to figure out my priorities and stuff so that I can get to where I need to be in life. My tower of issues, needs to be torn down, and rebuilt, maybe as something more stable. I have good things in my life, so if I rearrange everything around them, use them as the foundations for the rest of my life.

Friends, Interests and the support of a few others. With that I can get back on my feet.

I am hoping money is sorted out by next Friday, so that I can go to Nottingham Pride. It would be nice to do something exciting again. And then I will go and see some of the brilliant mates I do have. Because that would be nice too.

Identity is a complex issue and there are many parts of it, and I know I could have covered it in other ways but I have selected the bits I needed to, or wanted too. But I can say this I am a rather complex person, and working out who I am and what I. I am a collection of bits and pieces from all over. Cobbled together to build someone not entirely beautiful but still wonderfully unique, and just slightly strange.

Queer is the best Label I can use if I am truly honest.

And no I will not say anything to him, I think he kind of has an Idea. But I value the friendship to ruin it by taking a risk. He is a lovely guy, but distance would hurt too much.

Worries

So yeah I needed that brake down yesterday.

I got help from the one person who has continually been there for the last year. The Youth Worker from B.yoU.

But things are needed to be talked about.

So I am doing what I can and trying my best.

But I worry about a lot of stuff. To be honest I know that I am not in the right place for things.

I didn't sleep Sunday till Wednesday. And then I crashed and burnt out and passed out.

So I know the following things are issues that I need to figure out and work on.

Insomnia

Transgenderism

Depression

Anxiety

Lack of Stability

Low Self-Confidence

Loneliness

and a fair few other little problems.

The first one, is caused by many other things. But is possibly the most important issues are probably the Trans issues, Depression and Anxiety. I am trying my best to work through them. There is time. And I am determined to work through them. I will transition when I am able to, I can not afford to go private so I am waiting on the NHS. The depression and anxiety well I am going to take up Janet's offer. Do some one to one session. Get some stuff of my chest and things.

The lack of stability is something that I can't work through easy. I need to either 1) Get a temporary job and rent somewhere, till I can get on to a University course. Or 2) Go straight to Uni and do some half baked fucked course and live in the halls.

Self confidence. Never really had it, to begin with. But it hurts because I never seem to have the guts to do anything. It is true that there are some amazing guys that I wish I could ask out. But I never will. More so because I can't allow myself to become attached and dependant on others while I am not completely stable, in my mind at least. But of course that doesn't help me with my other problems. I don't like being alone, and when I am it makes me both more anxious and depressed. And in turn I become less confident in myself and my self value drops.

I think my tower of issues is starting to wobble. I need to figure out what I am doing. And what issues need to be worked on as priority. How I need to stabilise my tower. Which bits I need to focus on. Complicated.

Feelings and stuff.

Okay it seems I am a bit of a lodged open book right now.

I spent awhile talking with Janet, the main youth worker from B.yoU.

I kind of tore myself open, and bearing in mind, that time makes little sense, I recounted several things. Things that I haven't ever told people before.

And stop now.

Not all bad things. Memories of grandparents. Some thoughts on when I was last "Happy" and other places. I felt scared to open up. But I couldn't stop myself. I felt like I wanted to destroy myself, or who I was, am. I am not sure.

I fear to understand how I got to this place. And I am desperately searching for an answer to how I fix myself. Ironically I think I need to work out the past and present so that I can figure out my future.

I want to train to be a nurse. I want to find some place that I can do some volunteering in a care home or something. I want to be able to do that. I am often told I am a caring, hard working and kind. Nursing and medicine have always been a dream of mine, but I guess I tried to do and be something else. But understanding my Gender and stuff has lend me full circle back to my first dream.

I want to transition of course, to what and where I am not sure. Femaleish and lose the body hair for certain. Maybe find out what I can feminise with surgery too. All options

But as for my main problem right now. I have no idea what I will do. Sleep is very hard.

And what the fuck is up with my Subconscious....

What happened?

Everything got so confusing.

I haven't slept in nearly 50 hours, not since Sunday Afternoon.

I went B.yoU as per-normal on a Tuesday. Following what little routine I kind of have. I just didn't feel like I belonged there. Not today.

Yeah there are some thick shites who can't fathom how hard transgenderism is for a Transperson.

I don't know if it was lack of sleep or stress. or whatever, but I went to talk to Janet. Things have gotten to the point that I need to talk to someone.

I feel awful for doing so, but I knew I had to do it.

But is has made me think about everything. I mean everything I can remember over the last 22 years.

It kind of just came out about how I felt and stuff. And some of the crap I have been through.

I felt stupid for it.

I find talking about my past, feelings, and things so hard. So very hard and distressing. I have been feeling down for a long time, but I am starting to know that I need the help, even if it is just to keep myself going for a bit longer.

We also talked about the fact that medication is often used to suppress rather than treat depression.

I am scared.

I hope that the one to one sessions I have been offered might help me in the long run.

I hope that things can work out. Even just for a little while

40 nights and 39 days...

Till Manchester Pride.

I will say it now, I am excited!

But that also means that there is a lot of work to do with B.yoU.

And I might be getting a blouse...

Anyway I thought I would talk about something a little bit personal today. Evolution.

Well the Evolution of a skill. I have been painting, collecting and playing games with Games Workshop miniatures for 11 years now. And I can see that my skills and understanding of the paints and very models has increased dramatically.

People who read this will largely see that when I am happy with something I have finished painting I tend to post it in one of the albums on my Facebook profile. But having recently dug some of my old miniatures out, I feel pleased with the level of change I can see. I have evolved along side my skill I feel. And while most of my miniatures are painted to what is considered "Above Gaming Standard (ie Neat and tidy!)." Some of my miniatures are painted to a higher standard and I will admit sometimes I do take a lot of pride in what I do achieve.

Anyway I will show you some of the stuff.

The following was done about 9 nearly 10 years ago. Right at the beginning when I was a newbie!

The second one is from about 5 years ago. I think it looks a little better.

This last one was done about 6/7 months ago. I feel it is to a better standard than the other two.

I think over the next 39 days I will map the progress of my painting. I mean I want to see how much I can do in the next 39 days. It sounds like a self-inflicted challenge and one I will follow.

Besides I like taking pictures :P

When time is too much

Some days, I wish I didn't get chance to think so much.

I have been doing so all day. I think about many many things.

I have thought about relationships.

I am very much alone right now.

I am not in a good place to actually be in a relationship, a romantic one at least. But I am becoming somewhat dependent on the few real friends I have. And this is causing me to feel like crap.

I don't like the idea of coming between other people, particularity those in romantic relationships, which is making the kind of dependency more difficult.

I will be honest there are two guys that I do kind of have strong/strange feelings for. One I have met in person. The other not yet. They are both rather unique people. But I guess age factors in. And the fact that I know that neither of them actually thinks of me in the same way. So why do I continue to crush on them? Maybe it is the forbidden fruit complex, wanting what you know you can't have.

Sigh

Why is it so hard to just be able to find someone and get on with them? I mean I guess I did fall so very hard for one person. And he broke me down. So I protect myself a lot. I hold back. And I tend not to try to do anything. I guess I am scared.

That and I tend to sabotage relationships at times. Both Friendships and Romantic ones. I hate it but I do it, out of protection mostly.

Why do I turn life into a game of chess?

I wish I knew at times how to turn the weirdness into a positive and rather than cause complications actually just make things into something simple and wonderful.

I wish I had the metaphorical balls to actually tell the people I liked how I felt, mind one does know. The other not so.

I made a shit man.

Way too soft, and cowardly if I am honest.

Will I make a better woman?

Or will I be better off as some kind of Genderfreak?

Routine and Armies.

So there are 6 weeks that education system dictates as the Summer.

These next 6 weeks I plan to try and keep myself as busy and as close to a routine as I can. This will include the pride workshop sessions with B.yoU any Open Minds stuff and as soon as my benefit is reinstated, seeing friends.

I also have a personal goal, and something I am going to work into my schedule. This is to complete at least two of the many Games Workshop armies.

My fantasy Empire army, I want to have 2500 points fully painted and finished. I have about half of that done in various stages. It will get done soon. One block of infantry at a time. Then the knights and other cavalry. I will get it done. I am determined to get it finished as soon as possible.

Then there is the 40K army. Where to start with it?

There is the Space Marine army, I have less than a half of it done, still that is 1500 points worth of models done.

There is the Inquisitorial task force. I have over 1000 points done. With nearly another 800 points to do.

Then the Sisters and Grey Knights, well I don't know taking my time, not working on them at present. But that is nearly another 2500 points that I need to get fully finished. Some day.

Lastly the Imperial Guard... Like 2800 point army, I have 1100 pretty much finished... And so many more to do.

I plan to get some level of this army fully finished over the next 6 weeks lol.

Most of you will have no idea what so ever I have been blabbering about but hey, that is how things are :P

I am trying to organise myself this weekend, so that I can get some things in place, and keep myself busy. This last week has been difficult, I have had serious issues with both sleep deprivation and mood swings. Last Saturday I had largely had a wonderful time at Derby Pride, the beginning of the day started of difficult due to having to put up with someone who has caused me a fair few problems and a lot of grief.

I am somewhat fractured at present but I am doing everything I can do, to put myself back together. I am going to go back on to the valarium root, to try and help me sleep. And this is part of creating a structured routine. I need to plan my weeks in advance so that I can try and get to sleep at a decent time. Take medication etc and all the other rubbish that comes with it. And more importantly create some kind of small window where I actually leave home and socialise with similar people.

Way I see it, I will get that on Tuesdays and Thursdays. B.yoU and Games Workshop. Fingers crossed it can help with stabilising my moods and giving my time away from the internet and stuff. But I am also thinking, I need to stop allowing myself to be drawn into the drama in other peoples lives, I fear I am often the 3rd wheel at times. I know no one says it, but that is how I feel, I can't keep hanging out with couples and stuff. It isn't right, they need time to be couples etc.

And personally I don't think it helps with feeling constantly lonely, seeing people who are happy in sort of stable relationships. It does make me feel awkward and strange. So way I see it, I would be better with the support of friends but also with seeking some different social interaction.

I do know that most of those guys are there for me to talk to. But to be honest I am starting to feel uncomfortable, so maybe not relying on them is a good idea. I know that I do need some level of social input because I can't manage to survive long without it. So doing something constructive and social is for me a better option. At least till I can stabilise the moods.

As they say, "The Devil Makes work of ideal hands"....

Determination

Determination.

The firmness of Purpose.

Willpower, Resolve and Fortitude.

I have lived by these characterises for a very long time. Most of the people who will read this should know that I have dealt with bullying and stuff for 18 years. To most of the people on my Facebook, that is as long as or a significant part of their lives.

It has take to know where my strength of mind is failing me. But I know that it is there somewhere. Yes Self Harm and Self Neglect have crept in. I don't think I have lost the will to keep on fighting, I think it has just been shattered somewhat. But I have learnt a lot of the last few months. Like what it means to have real friends. And to know that I am no longer alone.

Some people like Karl, Kallum, Oliver, Alex and Charlie have sat there and talked to me, and tried to help me as much as possible. And then others came, Sakura and Darren, and they have supported me in moments of deep madness, even know I never told them. I know that I have a family of friends who actually want me about. But I thought about it for a while, and Dean you deserve a big thank you as well. And you to Sye. You two have given me a fair few chances to do stuff and I am eternally grateful.

There are others who I have had so much help and support from as well. Evan, Sam, Kara, Emma and the other B.yoU guys and girls. You really have showed me what having a good time and feeling close to happiness can be like.

Why am I writing this? Because I know that things aren't going so well. I am trapped to the polar extremes of moods and I know that this is dangerous. I know where it might lead. I am scared that I might end up losing my freedom because people haven't been there to help me in the past. This has led to me feeling almost broken in two at times.

I can't talk about how I feel to people. Which is why counselling sounds like a fantastic idea, but has never worked for me. I need something more involved. I have found that the support I get from people like Janet, Mikey and other youth workers has helped me more than counselling. But people are beginning to get concerned, they are not alone. I am too.

But I am determined to try everything else first, sectioned is the last and I mean the last straw I will try. I have seen the damage that does to people. And being sealed away from the people who are trying to help me doesn't seem like an option at all. I need help I am not denying that fact. But I need the right kind of help for me.

I am not sure what that is, but I will see what Janet can offer. Because I need something constructive, I know that. I don't need isolation. I spent the best part of 18 years isolated, with few friends far between. Seeing as I fear being alone, what help would isolating me truly be to my mental health? I think it would truly destroy me.

Which is another problem. I find it hard to deal with people at times. I have worn so much armour. On my soul, my heart, my mind. I find it hard to trust and every time I do, I have been betrayed. Or bullied for my weaknesses. Meaning that I create more and more armour. I couldn't tell anyone any of this. Yet I write it down, and I post it on Facebook time and time again. Because I need people to understand how I feel and what is going on even if I can't talk about it to them face to face.

I have reached the crossroads. To go on, is to lose everything I am as a person, all the good as well as the bad. I can try and take the hard route and work through it all without help or support but ultimately come out of it with my problems at least controlled by the excessive determination I do indeed possess, and try my best to carry life on as best I can. Or I can take the third option, I ask for help from the people I do trust and love, and hopefully make it though my problems with their help and involvement. I feel that this is the best option, I can't quite do this alone, and as arrogant and proud as I often are, I need the help of others. I need to get through this with your help.

Those who I am going to ask, I feel will understand what help I need and I hope you can bear with me, while I seek a place where I am stable. I hope you can have the persistence to help me get better. I don't like asking for help, but I need it, now more than ever. I will work out exactly what I need, no want to do, and all I ask is you keep me going.

I have made my choice to ask for help, I don't want to do this medically, I need to try and avoid that. So if you think you can be there and help me get through it all, please do. I am not asking you to shoulder the weight, just keep me on the pathway, and stop me from going backwards.

I don't want to be the isolated lonely little freak any more. I want to be a better person, some one kind of social and stable. I want to feel like I am not falling apart. Sounds silly, but can you be the bandage holding me together while the glue dries?

Time Immoral

I hate the way time, something that is immaterial dictates our lives.

Yet humanity is times slave.

It is likely to have taken 32 weeks before I finally get the help I have been seeking, nearly a full year.

This has made me think about how I got here.

In January last year, I realised that I was somewhat Queer.

I have drifted through stuff, a lot of it more negative than positive.

I have made some wonderful friends.

I have had some wonderful opportunities.

And I have had some great experiences.

But they are small periods, I have lost my money for now, meaning I can't go and see the friends I love and care about.

I can't even sit and paint things right now, because I am constantly shaking because of stupid useless anti-anxiety medication.

Have you experienced it, when all things turn to grey and ash? That is what life feels like.

Experiences are dull, unfulfilling and largely pointless. I have been through the highly depressed patch, and at some point slipped straight to high. And already it has become over stretched and boring.

At least it beats depression yeah?

I don't what happens really.

We shall see.

Serenity

At least that is what I have spent the last few months searching for.

I have come to the conclusion that the people I used to go to for help with my problems are to wrapped up in their own lives right now. And why shouldn't they be, they need their happiness. I feel so lonely and so scared at times. And yeah I know I rant too much.

But I am falling apart.

Bitter-sweet destruction.

I tend to hold people away from myself, and help them as much as I can. But I tend to not accept help back. I just can't, it makes me feel selfish. But I am slowly giving ground.I have fought none stop for nearly 18 years.

I want help. I really want help. I know I need it. But where do I go to get it?

I just need to get help. I really need it.

But I don't want to have the worse happen....

I can't do that, I have seen what that is like, no way I can end up like that. Kel didn't come back right... :(

I am lonely

I am so scared.

Bittersweet Decent....

... Into madness.

So today as been fucking awful.

First I rang the jobcentre to find out if I was going to be paid tomorrow, only to find out the bastards have frozen my benefit... without telling me that was the case! Fucking brilliant, I had made plans to go and see some brilliant friends, but thanks to the incompetencies of others I am fucked.

Went to see the GP, to get another Sick Note to cover me while the appeal takes place, saw a locum Doctor, who didn't want to give me the letter. I also talked about the way my moods have been so erratic over the last few months. I told him my fears and other peoples concern about being Bipolar, or at least showing signs of it. And lets face it I go from massively negative to massively positive. But either way, I can't sleep properly, and the insomnia is getting much worse. You might think that being on a high is a good thing. Far from it, I get so aggressive, paranoid and I develop a need for extreme stimuli. I do become more Photosensitive and such. I also Self Harm more often.

I have been prescribed medication to curb anxiety, which would be wonderful if that was the main problem. I get anxious yeah, that goes hand in hand with being depressed. But that isn't causing my moods to bounce about. There is something else going on. Maybe it is haemalogical, or maybe it is something else. But I know it isn't the anxiety that is causing me to feel like crap one moment or higher than god the next.

I feel like I am slipping into madness. And there is nothing there to stop me. Not this time. I am still waiting for an appointment to see the psychiatrist for the referral to Nottingham GIC. But I also need to see them because I am worried that there are other underlying issues effecting my mental health. Either stress or something else.

I hope they listen to my appeal at the jobcentre, I hope that they actually give me my benefit back. Because I am fucked otherwise. I don't feel ready to go back to work, well hunting for work, my confidence and my self esteem and stuff is already as low as it can get.

I don't tell people how I actually feel. Because I don't want them to worry, but I guess I need to say it. I feel so damaged, my mind is being pulled apart. One strand of a time. I feel like I am on the edge, maybe it is the lack of sleep and stuff. But I have been having disturbing thoughts. I am going down that pathway again. I can't stop it, but I am too scared to figure out help. Or what I need. Part of me, I don't know how big right now, wants to do some serious harm to me. But the rest of me, is fighting it, it feels like a losing battle.

I am scared, angry and lonely....

For Love...

They stood there

Alone, in a tight embrace

Lost entirely in love

But fear held them

Together they where one

But their hearts where not

Fear, distrust and uncertainty

Neither spoke it

The world kept on turning

A gentle breeze tugged at their clothes

Stars shone down one them

All was peaceful

Like the very Earth wanted to support them

Like the families of friends did

But without communication

Did they have a chance?

Was there hope?

Or would they be torn down, without mercy.

Yeah cheesy.

But there are people I care about who are having a lot of difficulties at present.

Yet the only advice I can give is COMMUNICATE!

My mind is failing me, I am having a lot of difficulties working out what my problems are right now. I have been having so many problems with mental health and other things.

I care about you both like a LOT. But I am in no place to help much at the moment I am rapidly spinning out of control.

I am going to be getting help soon. And hopefully start working on my problems and get back to a stable place. I am always here for both of you. But please talk to each other. And please please take care and as much time as you need.

I am going to do what I need. Others need to do what they need too. Sometimes we as people need to be highly selfish and look after themselves be for others.

Stable

So it seems that moods have a big scale.

Hypermania

Mania

Hypomania

Stable

Hyperdepression

Depression

Hypodepression

In the last 36 hours.

I have been in all of them.

I haven't slept.

I am scared.

But more so, I am scared. Someone who is very possible the person I care about the most, is going to go through such a hard time.

And I have become so self-obsessed that I won't be able to help him. I feel so much for him. I care so much for him. he has saved me a few times. In fact many times.

I want to do what I can to help you.

But if I have what I fear I may have, I am not sure if I can?

I feel so small.

But Kallum, no matter what happens, I am here for you. I will do what I can to help you. I promise. Please know that I love you.

Time Reality And New Stuff

Did you see it?

Time. Seems to rule peoples lives way too much these days. Not enough of it, or it is going too fast. You need to have this done by then etc. I don't understand time. I am not able to fathom or grasp the concept. I mean I understand minutes and hours. But I am talking about the complexity that is time as a whole. It means sod all to me, it confuses me, and irritates me. Those that do read these blogs, and other things I write, should know that I tend not to follow a chronological order. Things don't happen to me as A-B-C they are more like A-#-$-C.

I don't see time as linear I see it as the Doctor said, wibbly wobbly. And that is how my mind works. This brings me to Reality.

Reality. An unusual word. Is it a concept of society? Of Education? Is it a perception of how atoms are physically held in place? Or is it a Lie? Just what we are told. I am saying this because I am thinking about peoples perceptions. How they see each other, and how some can be supportive and complementary while others are malicious bullies. It is no lie I have been through fuck loads of bullying. I have had it since I started school, and I still have it to this day. I guess I have never been "Ordinary," I guess that has always made me a target of sorts. But sometimes I forget that the person I see myself as isn't the person I physically am. At least not yet, in the future maybe. I guess being Transgendered and having a fair few trans mates you see people for who they are not what they physically are. The concept of reality changes.

And now...

The New Stuff.

I hopefully will be changing my name and then getting a passport at the end of the month. This is a big step and important for me (and well for many Trans people) but I think it is the right time to do so now. So at the end of the month, I will be making my Statutory Declaration.

Pride planning is going well, I am enjoying it rather a lot to be honest.

I like being artistic and painting it fun!

I am thinking maybe adding another middle name, I have a few ideas, and I will decided and trial them out soon.

And soon I will see some of the people I love again

Hmm now I just need to get some painting time in....

Oh and have you seen it yet ;)

Why I fight on...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MYu2O3U9uK8

Did you watch it?

It is a song of mourning, a city destroyed viewed by one of the survivors of the race.

But she doesn't give up. She carries on and she fights.

But what would you do, if you lost everything?

Depression is a horrible thing. But I know full well you have to fight it, harder and harder. Last week, I nearly let it win. I nearly gave in last week. I was tearing myself apart for reasons I can't go into. Because I cannot right now.

But I am a fighter.

I don't give in.

I can't.

I was at Derby Pride on Saturday.

I recharged my batteries. So to speak. And I hung out with someone of the most fantastic People I have ever known. It made me realise that I have been through a number of hardships, but That I am a fighter, determined to get what I need and deserve out of life. I am Trans and I am Proud of that. I am not everyone's cup of tea, but I can actually say that I am proud and happy to be the person I am.

I am arrogant, I am depressive and I am some what possessive. But I am so much more. I am determined, obsessively observant, I care so much about some people, I am eternally fighting for not just me. I am fighting for those I love. Karl described me as somewhat of a Guardian Angel. Maybe that is my role in life. MY duty, the purpose I am here. And why suicide keeps failing.

I am one hell of a queer human being. But I will not be destroyed by anyone or anything, I will adapt and I will survive. I was born to do something and I personally will find out how and what it is.

Alone I may seem weak, but I have a family of friends behind me. They are incredible, every single one of them. And they are important to me. I will give the world for them.

Kara

Kallum

Sakura

Karl

Oliver

Charlie

Salina

Darren

Kellan

Charlotte

Between you guys, I have been kept going. Kept on this plain. I am not alone any more.

Thank you very much, for everything.

And the title of this song is important. Please listen.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dHsXNkI1rfA

Pride is Power

Okay, so the ones who follow this, will know that I have been having a rough time. It is complex to go into, so I am not.

No Instead I am going to talk about my day. In Derby.

Today was Derby Pride.

I got to spend the day with two of the most awesome people on the planet.

The awesome and cute Mr Kallum Snell and the rather beautiful and awesome Miss Sakura Hall.

And their incredible partners too!

I also got to spend the day hanging out with the people I know down in Derby, and lets face it they are kool!

Here is me, Kal and Darren

And here is Sakura and Jono.

This 4 people made me feel so much better than I have in a very long time. Kal and Sakura particularly, You two made my who day, and number in my best friends. That is a bit of an elitist cult if I am honest. There are 6 people in there! lol

Most I have ever had. Mind Darren, your edging in ;)

Yeah a bit soppy, but better than depressed yeah?

Depression.

Okay so I hit near rock bottom some point last night this morning.

I am unsure why, and I am unsure what I am going to do, at present.

I spoke to someone last night, they said that I should go to A&E the next time I am feeling that low.

I was going to go, but something held me back. Not sure what.

I am withdrawing from almost everyone I know.

I don't like losing this fight, but I am losing it. I just don't have the fight or drive in me any more. I know I should get help, but from where? The same good mate I spoke to last night, was probably right. I should have gone and saw a doctor. But GP was fully booked. And I didn't have the strength to drag myself to A&E.

I have been here before, it nearly ended last time.

What do I do?

I am trusting less and less people. I am shutting myself out. I know where this heads. I know I need help. But I just can't do it. I can't go and find the help I need, because I am scared I will be rejected.

I hope Saturday can help me out. Maybe the atmosphere of at pride might help again. It delayed things last year. So maybe it will give my that little extra time I need to figure it out.

The importance of a name.

So name yeah.

They are words that command a certain degree of power.

They contain a sense of our identity and maybe a bit of our personality.

I am trans as many who read this will know, so names are even more important.

My birth name was and is I guess, Edward Terence Mawer.

Edward meaning Wealthy Guard.

Terence meaning Uncertain.

Strange eh?

The name I have chosen for myself is Terran Leslie Edwards, somewhat of an evolution of my birth name.

Terran meaning Of Earth. Even know I tend to go by Terra, which means Earth.

Leslie meaning Holly Garden.

Weird eh.

But I think a name is meant to be something that fits, like a tailor made suit. It is meant to be something we are comfortable in.

Why am I talking about this? Well, I have slowly been coming out to mum.

I need to discuss getting my name changed. I am going to change it to something utterly neutral to be honest. That included my Title. Most likely going to change it to Mx, why because I am female, but bits of me are well odd. So becoming a fully neutral named and titled person feels like the logical step for me right now.

Fingers crossed I can get it sorted with mum and then go and get my Statutory Declaration done by the end of this month. Because it is an important step and one I want to do as soon as I can.

Lets hope in the next 3 weeks it can be done....

Confliction

So.

So, A friend said QYN is back up and running.

But I don't feel like I belong with that community any more.

Too many problems with other people. But Part of me feels I should see this out.

I am drifting along on the strange currents of life at present. I am feeling lonely, exhausted and so weak. I don't show it to anyone, I hide who and how I feel about myself and stuff so very well. I will just pass this of as a down period.

But I am having too many of them, I can't stop it. Just have brief moments of happiness. They are quickly absorbed by a general feeling of Meh. I have exhausted every avenue I can think of, Meds, Counselling, activities. Friends and family. Tried looking at my problems from every point. But it is starting to get me. At long last.

I Don't know how many people will read this. BUT please don't worry. I am not planning on doing anything stupid, I haven't reached that point yet. I am just down. I guess I can't deal with my problems very well on my own any more.

I joined QYN back in May last year. Since then I have discovered a lot about myself and learnt how intolerant people can be. I don't think I am ever meant to escape bullying. I stand my ground and I try my best to fight injustice. I try to pretend I have an iron skin, but inside I am so soft and fragile. I have been fighting since I was 5. 18 long hard years, fighting to keep going.

But this fight is gone, an empty shell is all that remains.

People I have loved, have left my life. Yet people I fear or resent keep coming back. Why am I meant to keep fighting to have a pleasant life? It has never seemed fair, or just. But I have gotten so used to fighting, so used to fleeting positives in my life.

I am not like most people, I am difficult, confusing and complex at times. I am lonely, and find trust so hard. I have been through the eye. I have died, I guess. Not in a physical way, but mentally, I whine and stuff I know, probably too much. But 99% of the world doesn't know who I am, or what I have been through. I have been used and abused. I have been broken, but never have been destroyed. Not yet.

I have been reduced to embers. But I still burn, slowly and weakly maybe. But I refuse to allow anyone to destroy me. You can break me, you can beat me. But no way in hell will you destroy me. If the issues I have with QYN are not resolved, I will not return. But I will use the power I have to do something.

What power is that may you ask?

Plain and simply: Words.

Possibly the most dangerous weapon on this shitty planet, with all the insects crawling on its surface, that we call the human race...

Transition and thoughts

So yeah a very good friend of mine, today got some good news. He has just kind of started his journey.

I am rather happy for him :)

But it has made me think about my own transition, and the fact that I am still waiting about. Local mental health is taking forever.

But I am also thinking about the fact that just over a year ago, I was so ignorant to so much of the LGBTQ world. It has been a long and difficult journey. Doesn't help with being depressed and stuff.

I have made some wonderful friends along this journey, and learnt a lot about people and the issues they go through.

Life is pretty weird.

But I am questioning bits about myself, that maybe I shouldn't.

The Pandora's box of issues that are related to being trans.

Identity and all the other parts. It is complicated. But I guess the best thing I can do is find the bits that work for me, and the bits that don't, move on from them.

The advice of Kate Bornstein. I guess it should work.

It is an interesting thing, being trans at times. And with my family slowly getting used to it too, things do seem to be on the up.

Just a short one really about some general thoughts :)

Gender Fuckery and other things

Gender.

An area where most people accept the genitals they have as there gender. Or a space yet unexplored.

To boldly go where most people don't bother or fear too!

Yeah badly made Star Trec reference!

So mum has actually been talking to me more than normal, normally a sign something is wrong. More so when she is talking to me about gender and sexuality. She is finding the concept of alternative genders difficult. I mean she grasped Genderqueer quickly as with Bigenderism, but the concept of genderlessness or Agenderism she is finding hard to deal with.

She is not the only one. I must admit, I have allowed my personality to develop more towards a female one, even more admitted that I have become a tad effeminate over the last few months. So the information is out there, and Mum is slowly adjusting to it. Going to talk about name changing soon. As I would rather have the support than not. Things have changed it seems.

So yeah, I plan to attend Derby Pride next weekend. I have a few acquiescence and some incredible friends in that area. So I am hoping it will be a good time.

I am slowly working on finishing my Inquisitorial army. I have had it for 4 years now. Time it was done, based and varnished. Mind it is small, but still over 100 models, and well over 3000 points in combined total. But I aim to get it fully done by the end of the month. I am doing it stage be stage. It is getting there, it looks more like an army now.

After that I plan to get the Space marine army fully done too. That would be amazing!

Bit by bit things are getting done. And I must come up with a good reason not to get myself some Harlequins. But the idea to paint them like Harly Quinn and the Joker is proving hard to resist!

I have a plan and I think that it is shaping up, My moods are improving step by step. And I am unravelling myself. Soon it will time to shed my old skin and reveal who I am. This could get interesting. And it could be self shattering and dangerous too.

But no danger, then a full potential is not being reached....

Pantomime of Life

Who are we to be cast as in the Pantomime.

Me, well some people call me the Hero. More than a few call me or have made me the Villain

These people who I consider my friends have told me that I am more the hero who has been sent on a trip to hell.

I won't lie I have been living in a unpleasant patch of darkness for a while. And yes that has lead to moaning and whinging. But you know what, too all the people who keep hurting me, Go Fuck Yourselves sideways! PLEASE!

Yes I put on a brave face, I try to work hard and keep going. I turn all the shit I get in to some kind of joke or satirical story. Because that is how I cope. I do my best to find a positive, sometimes the best place for that is humour in the situation, like when this kid who was round used to call me fat. I saw the irony and the humour in it.

A rather incredible young person I have begun to get to know said this about me today

"I know your life will turn around terra

It'll be amazing when it does."

I hope that they are right.

I know some people actually bother to read this. I am glad that they do.

I have more issues than I would like, but through this medium and Vlogging I am doing my best to untangle them, and then to work on them. But it is complex, and confusing at times. I try to do it alone, but sometimes I need other peoples input. I need some help to understand myself.

I am fearing that someone is coming between a very important and close friend. You see I was targeted by some heinous and hideous lies, again. I know he will read this, I don't want anything to come between us. But you need to understand that lad, has cut me deep, very deep.

I am looking for something to make life move from existence to Living again. There has to be something. The last time I felt truly alive well was Manchester Pride. That made a massive impact on my mind :) So hear is hoping that I can get the same feeling this year.

Hmm I don't think I am going to understand people any time soon...

New shoes

So yeah I have new shoes.

But that has made me think.

Life can be measured in many ways. Time, achievements and yes indeed in footsteps.

I have walked miles in my old shoes. Been to many different places, Rochdale, Manchester, Wigan, Chesterfield, Derby, Leeds and London. My shoes have walked me miles around these places and have in a sense developed a memory.

Grit, damage, scuffs and a hole. They are well worn and weathered. To be honest how I feel at times. I have been through bad and dangerous parts, as much as I have walk over ice and through snow and rain.

You can often tell a lot about people by the shoes they wear. Comfortable and well worn shoes, can indicate that a person is well travelled or that they choose to walk in comfort. Shoes that are taken care of, well polished etc, can indicate that someone has pride in there appearance or that they have a lot of self discipline.

Shoes tend to travel with us, yet how many people realise how much they have to bear? The weight of the person they carry, the friction of every step and very weather we walk through.

Yet it might just be me, but every time I get a new pair of shoes, I feel sorry for having to get rid of the old pair. They become a part of you I guess. Always willing to carry you to your destination. Used, well worn and maybe abused at times too. Still the pride of having new shoes is often worth it all the same!

Feet are strange....

Bullying

Has many forms.

But no matter what the colour of the creature, it is and always will be a bully.

But recently I have bullied off various groups and places I have gone to,to seek help from, or even just friendship.

I hate people. They are scum.

I don't know why I attract so much bullying, I have no idea but it keeps happening to me. I have put up with it from everywhere. But I have been chased away, or abandoned by people too many times.

I can't do this any more.

People keep lying to and hurting me.

Then people wonder why I am so socially weird?

If you bastardise and torment someone, don't you think that over the years you break them? Change them, make them into something horrid.

To be honest I am fucking fed up of it.

All I have ever wanted was fucking friends, but I am constantly learning that people will almost always have a dagger in their hands, welcoming me with one arm, killing me with the other.

Just the story of my life for the past 17 years.