Art, work, relationships, sex, etc.
My passion comes from painting models mainly. I have evolved from a very basic method to something more refined. At least I think. I used to use thick paints and had no respect for the sculpted detail. I used to use mainly metallics and and didn't have any concept of colour theory. So yeah. I now things have changed, I paint in a very different way now. And I know tend to add extra detail in the form of free hand painting.
But you maybe wondering why I am talking about passion.
Well it is something that is everyday yet sometimes we don't see it. In my life there are a few things that I get passion from, Painting, going to B.yoU, listening to Music, watching films and playing games. But I guess that almost of those activities, with the exception of B.yoU are solitary. I know whine, whine, whine, All I seem to do these days.
I need company. Yet I push people away, because I am fiercely independent. I need to find someone who is passionate about the things that interest me. Someone local. I don't necessarily want a lover, just a companion. Someone I can be me around and have a good time with. And yeah do the things I like to do. I know I have people like me as close friends, but geographically they are miles away.
I have been called intensely passionate before now. Because I am, I take everything I do to heart, because I went so long without feeling anything. Yeah I can be intoxicating in a relationship, I won't deny that. But I pour my heart into every pursuit I follow, and I do become passionately involved. The same in love as it is in anything and everything else.
I seek people who are similar, I need people who can become passionately involved in something. I thought I had found that within the QYN community, but I was sadly mistaken, true some wonderfully passionate people I did find on there, and most of my friends are such. But I found more bitchiness and spiteful narrow minded people. This is part of why I haven't returned to the forum, and I doubt I will in the future.
But there are a few people who I feel something for. They are wonderful people. But I know in my heart I am not right for them. I am an intense person, and perhaps too much so. It does explain the issues I have with people and with relationships. And in fact life in general.
I just feel at times, that everything becomes dull, ashen and grey. This then drives me to find a bigger and better stimulus, which of course has other negative issues associated with it. There are people I love for the following "You're completely bonkers... but I shall teach you a secret... All the best people are!" it is a statement that is very true, about the great things in life. The madder/queerer/weirder it seems, the better the experience.
I have 3 days and 3 weeks till I finally see the Psychiatrist, I have been waiting since the end of October 09. Nearing 9 months. Hopefully my life can truly begin and then hopefully, hopefully I can get referred to Nottingham GIC and I can begin to transition.
I have been through hell and back, I am battered and bruised, but I am still going. And I have to carry on going, because I have nothing else really. Just determination and the need to find happiness.
Even if I need to find something as intense as my feelings are to keep me going after...
