I spent awhile talking with Janet, the main youth worker from B.yoU.
I kind of tore myself open, and bearing in mind, that time makes little sense, I recounted several things. Things that I haven't ever told people before.
And stop now.
Not all bad things. Memories of grandparents. Some thoughts on when I was last "Happy" and other places. I felt scared to open up. But I couldn't stop myself. I felt like I wanted to destroy myself, or who I was, am. I am not sure.
I fear to understand how I got to this place. And I am desperately searching for an answer to how I fix myself. Ironically I think I need to work out the past and present so that I can figure out my future.
I want to train to be a nurse. I want to find some place that I can do some volunteering in a care home or something. I want to be able to do that. I am often told I am a caring, hard working and kind. Nursing and medicine have always been a dream of mine, but I guess I tried to do and be something else. But understanding my Gender and stuff has lend me full circle back to my first dream.
I want to transition of course, to what and where I am not sure. Femaleish and lose the body hair for certain. Maybe find out what I can feminise with surgery too. All options
But as for my main problem right now. I have no idea what I will do. Sleep is very hard.
And what the fuck is up with my Subconscious....
