So today as been fucking awful.
First I rang the jobcentre to find out if I was going to be paid tomorrow, only to find out the bastards have frozen my benefit... without telling me that was the case! Fucking brilliant, I had made plans to go and see some brilliant friends, but thanks to the incompetencies of others I am fucked.
Went to see the GP, to get another Sick Note to cover me while the appeal takes place, saw a locum Doctor, who didn't want to give me the letter. I also talked about the way my moods have been so erratic over the last few months. I told him my fears and other peoples concern about being Bipolar, or at least showing signs of it. And lets face it I go from massively negative to massively positive. But either way, I can't sleep properly, and the insomnia is getting much worse. You might think that being on a high is a good thing. Far from it, I get so aggressive, paranoid and I develop a need for extreme stimuli. I do become more Photosensitive and such. I also Self Harm more often.
I have been prescribed medication to curb anxiety, which would be wonderful if that was the main problem. I get anxious yeah, that goes hand in hand with being depressed. But that isn't causing my moods to bounce about. There is something else going on. Maybe it is haemalogical, or maybe it is something else. But I know it isn't the anxiety that is causing me to feel like crap one moment or higher than god the next.
I feel like I am slipping into madness. And there is nothing there to stop me. Not this time. I am still waiting for an appointment to see the psychiatrist for the referral to Nottingham GIC. But I also need to see them because I am worried that there are other underlying issues effecting my mental health. Either stress or something else.
I hope they listen to my appeal at the jobcentre, I hope that they actually give me my benefit back. Because I am fucked otherwise. I don't feel ready to go back to work, well hunting for work, my confidence and my self esteem and stuff is already as low as it can get.
I don't tell people how I actually feel. Because I don't want them to worry, but I guess I need to say it. I feel so damaged, my mind is being pulled apart. One strand of a time. I feel like I am on the edge, maybe it is the lack of sleep and stuff. But I have been having disturbing thoughts. I am going down that pathway again. I can't stop it, but I am too scared to figure out help. Or what I need. Part of me, I don't know how big right now, wants to do some serious harm to me. But the rest of me, is fighting it, it feels like a losing battle.
I am scared, angry and lonely....
