I have been doing so all day. I think about many many things.
I have thought about relationships.
I am very much alone right now.
I am not in a good place to actually be in a relationship, a romantic one at least. But I am becoming somewhat dependent on the few real friends I have. And this is causing me to feel like crap.
I don't like the idea of coming between other people, particularity those in romantic relationships, which is making the kind of dependency more difficult.
I will be honest there are two guys that I do kind of have strong/strange feelings for. One I have met in person. The other not yet. They are both rather unique people. But I guess age factors in. And the fact that I know that neither of them actually thinks of me in the same way. So why do I continue to crush on them? Maybe it is the forbidden fruit complex, wanting what you know you can't have.
Sigh
Why is it so hard to just be able to find someone and get on with them? I mean I guess I did fall so very hard for one person. And he broke me down. So I protect myself a lot. I hold back. And I tend not to try to do anything. I guess I am scared.
That and I tend to sabotage relationships at times. Both Friendships and Romantic ones. I hate it but I do it, out of protection mostly.
Why do I turn life into a game of chess?
I wish I knew at times how to turn the weirdness into a positive and rather than cause complications actually just make things into something simple and wonderful.
I wish I had the metaphorical balls to actually tell the people I liked how I felt, mind one does know. The other not so.
I made a shit man.
Way too soft, and cowardly if I am honest.
Will I make a better woman?
Or will I be better off as some kind of Genderfreak?
