Most of us would see this as dramatic scripting, and would frequent Cinemas, Theatres or even sit in front of the Television to watch it. Yet most people fail to realise that more often than not some being of god like proportions is writing theatrical grandeur into our very own lives. We as a race have an obsession to see other peoples lives play out in dramatic fashion, that sometimes we interfere to see if we can stir things up a level. Or is it just me that sees that that happens?
But I will admit, when my own life seems dull or boring, I find a way to challenge myself, or too make things more interesting. I guess I need to push the okay and mediocre about, shake things up so that I can have something to do in my life. Maybe this is a sign of advanced depression or maybe it is a coping mechanism from another part of life. But currently, I am a little lost. I can only see a limited view in front of me, which is highly frustrating.
Sometimes we create things to try and solve our problems. But how do I solve the issue of near permanent boredom and loneliness? I tend to write short stories, or paint, or find something creative to occupy myself for hours. Sometimes I think, and create stories in my head of Person A and B etc, and how they interact with each other. I have found it can be a great way of solving personal problems sometimes. Others it is purely people watching.
But it does make me think a lot. Why are 85% of the things I spend my time doing, solitary or involving people online but not in the flesh. I do constantly feel lonely, and at times I will admit I seek attention and affection. But for the majority of my life I am content to be following the solitary and lonesome path I have been on for the best part of 22 years. I can get so frustrated with people at times, and not actually speak to a person in the flesh for a week to 10 days and not even notice that fact. I tend to avoid using a phone and stuff, and when I do leave the home I do some with loud music in my ears and sunglasses on.
I guess I do purposely come across as unsocial and moody at times, because that is the armour that I have been wearing for so long, it is hard to shed that skin and develop a new me. And what else could I be? Social, high maintenance, suck up and perky? No thanks, I have watched people like that slowly destroy themselves. And I am not that shallow either. I like the fact that I am independent and that I have few very close friends, I just know that I sometimes need to make more of an effort and be a little more social with my friends etc.
I guess I have been thinking a lot of stuff over the last few weeks, and I know that change is inevitable, and that I might lose the friends I have waited so long for, if I don't make the effort to be social and stuff. But without money it does seem hard to be able to see the ones I love.
Fingers crossed it will all be okay sooner rather than later, because my story isn't going to be written back into darkness, I am more happy now than I have been in a very long time, I don't want to lose that now, I want it to keep getting better.
