The firmness of Purpose.
Willpower, Resolve and Fortitude.
I have lived by these characterises for a very long time. Most of the people who will read this should know that I have dealt with bullying and stuff for 18 years. To most of the people on my Facebook, that is as long as or a significant part of their lives.
It has take to know where my strength of mind is failing me. But I know that it is there somewhere. Yes Self Harm and Self Neglect have crept in. I don't think I have lost the will to keep on fighting, I think it has just been shattered somewhat. But I have learnt a lot of the last few months. Like what it means to have real friends. And to know that I am no longer alone.
Some people like Karl, Kallum, Oliver, Alex and Charlie have sat there and talked to me, and tried to help me as much as possible. And then others came, Sakura and Darren, and they have supported me in moments of deep madness, even know I never told them. I know that I have a family of friends who actually want me about. But I thought about it for a while, and Dean you deserve a big thank you as well. And you to Sye. You two have given me a fair few chances to do stuff and I am eternally grateful.
There are others who I have had so much help and support from as well. Evan, Sam, Kara, Emma and the other B.yoU guys and girls. You really have showed me what having a good time and feeling close to happiness can be like.
Why am I writing this? Because I know that things aren't going so well. I am trapped to the polar extremes of moods and I know that this is dangerous. I know where it might lead. I am scared that I might end up losing my freedom because people haven't been there to help me in the past. This has led to me feeling almost broken in two at times.
I can't talk about how I feel to people. Which is why counselling sounds like a fantastic idea, but has never worked for me. I need something more involved. I have found that the support I get from people like Janet, Mikey and other youth workers has helped me more than counselling. But people are beginning to get concerned, they are not alone. I am too.
But I am determined to try everything else first, sectioned is the last and I mean the last straw I will try. I have seen the damage that does to people. And being sealed away from the people who are trying to help me doesn't seem like an option at all. I need help I am not denying that fact. But I need the right kind of help for me.
I am not sure what that is, but I will see what Janet can offer. Because I need something constructive, I know that. I don't need isolation. I spent the best part of 18 years isolated, with few friends far between. Seeing as I fear being alone, what help would isolating me truly be to my mental health? I think it would truly destroy me.
Which is another problem. I find it hard to deal with people at times. I have worn so much armour. On my soul, my heart, my mind. I find it hard to trust and every time I do, I have been betrayed. Or bullied for my weaknesses. Meaning that I create more and more armour. I couldn't tell anyone any of this. Yet I write it down, and I post it on Facebook time and time again. Because I need people to understand how I feel and what is going on even if I can't talk about it to them face to face.
I have reached the crossroads. To go on, is to lose everything I am as a person, all the good as well as the bad. I can try and take the hard route and work through it all without help or support but ultimately come out of it with my problems at least controlled by the excessive determination I do indeed possess, and try my best to carry life on as best I can. Or I can take the third option, I ask for help from the people I do trust and love, and hopefully make it though my problems with their help and involvement. I feel that this is the best option, I can't quite do this alone, and as arrogant and proud as I often are, I need the help of others. I need to get through this with your help.
Those who I am going to ask, I feel will understand what help I need and I hope you can bear with me, while I seek a place where I am stable. I hope you can have the persistence to help me get better. I don't like asking for help, but I need it, now more than ever. I will work out exactly what I need, no want to do, and all I ask is you keep me going.
I have made my choice to ask for help, I don't want to do this medically, I need to try and avoid that. So if you think you can be there and help me get through it all, please do. I am not asking you to shoulder the weight, just keep me on the pathway, and stop me from going backwards.
I don't want to be the isolated lonely little freak any more. I want to be a better person, some one kind of social and stable. I want to feel like I am not falling apart. Sounds silly, but can you be the bandage holding me together while the glue dries?
