And for once it isn't my fault.
So I was hoping to go to Nottingham Pride on Saturday, but thanks to ESA department, not letting me have my benefit I can't go. Which fucking hurts. I was hoping to see some of the best people on earth who I am lucky to have as friends.
One of them I wish I could be there for, not trapped up here on my own. But that isn't because of being alone, it is because I know he needs the company. Even if he will feel like he needs to be alone, grief is complex. But he will always have to love of people here for him.
Seems that plans can be made, taking almost everything possible into account, but something can happen and it will cause turmoil and chaos. Things can't be stopped when they are set in motion even if they are cruel and unfair. But we have to work through them, we have to keep on fighting to get to where we need to be.
We can never give up, we have to keep on working hard and fighting for our place in this world. Some days I know it gets so hard. So hard that we feel the only option is to curl into a ball and cry. Sometimes it is ok to do just that. As long as we allow others into help us, we can survive. I have been through so much in 22 years. I know that we all experience the pains of grief, but that kind of pain is some what difficult when it is due to suicide. 5 years ago a brilliant girl let the bad stuff in her life, take control and she ended it. She was my first true friend, and I loved the person she was. It isn't something I often talk about. But it happened.
I hope you are in a safe place Sarah I really do.
People get suicidal for so many and varied reasons. But having grieved over one and attempted it myself I will admit I know it is the single most selfish act anyone can do, yet I can also understand that sometimes it looks like there isn't another option. But no matter how small it seems you have to find something that gives you hope.
Hope may only be a belief or faith in something but it is so powerful. It can keep someone going for so long. I know this because I have been through the darkest moments and yet I have clutched on to hope always. Sometimes it has been all I have had. I have always made friends so rarely in my life, the fact that I now have a fair few.
That give me more hope than anything.
Yeah I do apologise for this having been depressive. But sometimes we see tiny warning signs and it sends off massive alarm bells in our heads.
And I know that this time I will be there to help those who need it no matter what.
