So, A friend said QYN is back up and running.
But I don't feel like I belong with that community any more.
Too many problems with other people. But Part of me feels I should see this out.
I am drifting along on the strange currents of life at present. I am feeling lonely, exhausted and so weak. I don't show it to anyone, I hide who and how I feel about myself and stuff so very well. I will just pass this of as a down period.
But I am having too many of them, I can't stop it. Just have brief moments of happiness. They are quickly absorbed by a general feeling of Meh. I have exhausted every avenue I can think of, Meds, Counselling, activities. Friends and family. Tried looking at my problems from every point. But it is starting to get me. At long last.
I Don't know how many people will read this. BUT please don't worry. I am not planning on doing anything stupid, I haven't reached that point yet. I am just down. I guess I can't deal with my problems very well on my own any more.
I joined QYN back in May last year. Since then I have discovered a lot about myself and learnt how intolerant people can be. I don't think I am ever meant to escape bullying. I stand my ground and I try my best to fight injustice. I try to pretend I have an iron skin, but inside I am so soft and fragile. I have been fighting since I was 5. 18 long hard years, fighting to keep going.
But this fight is gone, an empty shell is all that remains.
People I have loved, have left my life. Yet people I fear or resent keep coming back. Why am I meant to keep fighting to have a pleasant life? It has never seemed fair, or just. But I have gotten so used to fighting, so used to fleeting positives in my life.
I am not like most people, I am difficult, confusing and complex at times. I am lonely, and find trust so hard. I have been through the eye. I have died, I guess. Not in a physical way, but mentally, I whine and stuff I know, probably too much. But 99% of the world doesn't know who I am, or what I have been through. I have been used and abused. I have been broken, but never have been destroyed. Not yet.
I have been reduced to embers. But I still burn, slowly and weakly maybe. But I refuse to allow anyone to destroy me. You can break me, you can beat me. But no way in hell will you destroy me. If the issues I have with QYN are not resolved, I will not return. But I will use the power I have to do something.
What power is that may you ask?
Plain and simply: Words.
Possibly the most dangerous weapon on this shitty planet, with all the insects crawling on its surface, that we call the human race...
