2010 is about done.

So this year has been a bitch.
It has been hard and has been very tough. But I have survived it. And I will keep on surviving.

I have been through hell.
I have dealt with things that most people should never deal with. I have lost people that I liked a lot as friends. And I have cried and screamed with a bit of frustration.

But there have been some amazing bits too.
I have met some amazing people. I have built some strong friendships. And I have fallen in love too.

I have grown I think as a person. I have not so much changed, as settled down and evolved a bit. I am making an effort to be a bigger, better, more stable person. Friendlier and more accepting of others and their ways of being.

I have begun to make heads and tails of transitioning. I have started on that journey and I know I have a long way to go yet but I am confident by this time next year I will be in a good place.

So what would I like to do with my new year?
I would like to spend more time with my friends (framily matter) and have some interesting days out with them.
I would like to go on holiday with Sarah, somewhere nice,with historic things so we can picnic.
I would like to complete some armies and play in a mega battle.
I would like to begin to learn to drive.
Get to uni and do Nursing.

So that is my year, at least for now.

Happy New Year!

People. Trans stuff and Love.

So I believe that I am the only other member of the trans collab channel other than Karl who has met the other members too.

This of course takes me to TDoR. It might have been brief but I met the London Collabers. Jamie, who is rather charming and pretty fantastic (darling!). Jenn who is quite beautiful, shame I didn't get to talk to you much. And Avery who it was something of a brief encounter with, but was polite and I get the impression all 3 of them are decent people. And it was nice to actually meet them in person. It is strange how your presumptions and views can be massively altered by meeting someone in person. I guess when Jamie first asked me to be part of the collab I was a little concerned that I would be rejected or whatever. And I guess the worry kind of kept me back a step or two. But meeting one person from above and even just exchanging pleasantries with them, to me felt like a massive step in a better direction.

I guess TDoR was an important thing to experience for several reasons. But I don't want to focus on the negatives as such. I think the positives, of fighting for our existence and place in life is important. To remember that it is lucky when we don't lose a friend and to remember and morn the ones we unfortunately have lost. Mind it shocked me on the amount of people I was informed where female presenting. And how many fell close to my age. It was scary if I am honest.

As I have already mentioned elsewhere Yesterday I went to my second Gender Clinic Appointment. It was with the second Psychiatrist and was very different from the first. Not so perverse for one! And the appointment was more focused on me as a person, and how I viewed myself etc rather than how and what I thought it was that made me trans. It was intense in a very positive way, even if I got the impression that some of my answers were a little surprising. Mainly when he asked about what I wanted from the Clinic. I told him for me, I needed to learn how to pass and access voice coaching as that was the priority right now. I got the impression he seemed a little surprised that I didn't go HORMONES!!!!

I want to end this by saying I feel like I am one of the luckiest people ever.
I have wonderful friends.
I have a good future on its way.
And the most amazing Girlfriend I could ever dream of.

Bonds, links and connections.

So I was going to blog this on QYN.
But alas the site is not working.

So I have been a bit scattered with things of late.
Since my first appoint with Notts Gender Clinic.

I have been up and down of late, drifting from things to things. I started to date someone in October but it never really worked out. I guess I needed to be in a relationship for the wrong reasons. I guess I had become needy of attention and affection. But being told that someone did like you that way and only said yes, for a reason that felt like pity. I know there were others, but that is what it felt like.

It hit me rather hard and I fell into a slump.

But there has been a girl I have know, and kind of paid attention to her for awhile. Her name is Sarah. I found her interesting and wonderful. But I feared to even say it when I first thought it, a few months back. But I took a risk last Thursday. I started talking to her. And I am very happy with what I have seen and noticed about her. She is fantastic.

I feel like I can trust her with stuff, and she is the same with me. We clicked because there are things very similar about us. She is quirky, funny, geeky, cute (and squeals a lot xD), passionate and so loving. I am excited to meet her. So excited.

This weekend is Transgender Day of Remembrance, Saturday 20th November. I am heading off to London via Northampton. Staying with one of my best friends on Earth for the weekend. And then donning the smart clothes and heading into London on the Saturday. Also the day I will meet Sarah in person. I think the reason for TDoR is incredibly important, remembering those TG people who have fallen or been taken. But also to remind us why we need to keep going forward and fighting to be the people we need to be. And never to give in to anything.

For me, I came out and nearly took that path of self destruction.

I guess things are kind of falling together and paths are all linked it seems. Maybe something is directing the decisions we make. Maybe now after trying hard to improve myself for so long as paid off. I am sorry for the people I have hurt along the way. I wish I knew how to make it up to you. But in the last year I have been through so much and many changes. I have experienced chaos and heart-brake and despair. There have been some great bits too don't get me wrong. But I have gotten scared and I have run from them. But I don't want to run any more.

I want to stand and experience the good things for once.

SAD and things

So I am back to feeling like crap again.

The weather has turned nasty today, and I can't shake the dullness that has settled in.
I am back on the Anti-Depressants but they are doing little for this, to me indicating that it is environmental not psychological depression.

Bleh!

I Hate Wigan. I hate the fact that this area is so grey. So cold. So nasty. It is not a nice place to live, and when you have two types of depression going on, one being SAD it really isn't the right place to live!

I am and I know I am growing distant a lot recently. I don't want to talk to people much, or leave the house or things. I just want to sit alone. Meh!

I don't know really any more. I have never been emotional, I have never been proactive and stuff. But I have always been a passion driven person. It is how I get through stuff and survive. But that passion, and the interest and stuff that does drive me, seems to have reached a dead end. A point or a place where I am stuck in the mud.

This may be linked to the depression.

But I think there is a simpler answer. I think that since Jan/Feb I have been unemployed and for the first time out of education. I think this is what is now starting to crush me. I keep sending out CVs and filling out application forms. Then chasing them up and seeing were I am. But getting no where at all ever. I have had one interview, one interview were I was rejected as I am not a cis-female.

I guess there are two main issues in my life. One being the issues I have with depression the other being the Fact that I am so utterly bored of being on benefits. I want a job. I need one.

Void, again.

Losing something you care about is so bloody hard.

In the last few years I have lost one of my most important friends, my Gran and tonight my cat.

Yet grief makes me feel so bloody strange.
Blank.
Loveless.
Lost.

I need to be alone yet wish I could just climb into the arms of someone I love. I can't even managed to do that, because the ones I love live miles away. It isn't there fault but I have very few people I am that close to here in Wigan. Even in this house.

I am not good when it comes to having emotional outlets or displays. I never have been. I am not comfortable showing any vulnerabilities with anyone. Few have seen me like that. And fewer I would go to to brake down on.

The only outlet is this very medium, blogging. Because I don't need to see what people have to say to me, but I need to know that someone has indeed looked and read. If that makes any sense. Probably doesn't, but I find it hard to open up to people and talk to them, in person or online. I can talk about how I have felt in the past, but I cannot talk about how I do feel right now. That is just too hard for me to do.

Why is it so hard to lose a pet?
I think they are more than pets, they are friends. Family even. They are beings who love us no matter what and never judge us. They just love us, long as you are gentle and kind to them they love you without question. I think that is why it is so hard to lose them. I am crying more now than I did when it was my Gran. That just seems so fucked up. Isn't the reason that parents get pets so that children can learn to deal with grief? Or maybe for me it is the fact that with Kel and Charl now gone from the household, I have no one who listens to me. No one to talk to without being judged. Yeah I talked to the cat a lot. He would sit and purr on my knee just looking up and listening to me.

I am going to miss him so much.

Rest in Peace Harry, you will be missed a lot.

Hate Crimes

Homophobia, Transphobia, Queerphobia.

I have had the lot this morning. And a lot more. All because My little brother is an unpleasant little bastard. Threats of physical Violence and death as well as the Hate Crimes.

This led to me having to speak to the Greater Manchester Police, and make a complaint about it. It has been going on for too long and I don't think it is fair for me to put up with anything like that when it is a subject that I can't help. This is part of who I am.

GMP Responded immediately, in fact said they would have an officer sent to my address within 3 minutes. Mind we already had 2 officers turning up due to my mums complaint.

He had yelled outside in a very public way and was very derogatory about me. There is a dangerous element on this estate who tend to assault anyone different (ie not a scummy little scrot) and now I am going to have to be more careful leaving the house and things.

He also had ago about my friends. Being really disgusting about them. No one has a right to have ago at people that they don't know. I love my friends they are more of a family to me than anyone else. That hurt me a lot hearing him use those words about them.

I spoke to one of the officers and told them about me fears and disgust at his attitude. The officer was rather pleasant and very attentive. They understood that I didn't feel right to report it for family reasons.

Should I have? Part of me wants him to be removed because I don't feel safe with him living here in he same house as me. So should I have reported him fully? And ruined his chances of jobs and things in the future, for my own safety? Or did I do the right thing in giving him another chance?

The Imperial Guard

Humans.

People might think I am mad. But I collect a lot of armies. The majority of them are Human.
I guess I like to paint human miniatures. And well I can relate to them as they are human, so when sent into battle armed with a lasgun or a sword and shield I can understand the horror in a way. Just love the idea of Humans fighting aliens or deamons or Iron clad dwarves. And winning against the odds.

So I have been working rather a lot recently on my Imperial guard army. Some 176 fighting men and and 5 vehicles (so far!) and have nearly reached 50% completion. Yes dodging the platoon at the moment, and converting some Guardsmen veterans with shotguns. But it is going to be a nice army when I get it finished. All red and bone. Mind I have also been using browns and blue-greys too!


The Command Squad, the Hero that is well me in games.

And every army needs a special or named hero for me that is Yarrick


In the in the past have always stayed away from Special Characters. Not sure why, maybe it is the fact that the Characters are, meant to be you in battle, and Special or Named ones have their own histories and stories etc.

But I have been painting and gaming with Named characters over the past few months. There seems to be an extra level of fun to my games.

Just a stroll in my cerebral cortex's.

A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.
Sir Winston Churchill

Job seeking and the future

So I am actively seeking employment.
Because I am sick of being on benefits. I don't want another year of it. I want to get a job. Start saving up some cash and hopefully learn to drive. At least that is the plan before Uni next year.

Personal statement is under way. I am trying hard to sell myself as well as I can so that I can get on to the diploma course. I am thinking more towards Sheffield Hallam and West Thames Valley at the present.

But I will admit. I am scared to go to interviews. All my paperwork is under my name as in Miss T A L Edwards. But I am unable to afford or get a passport for the foreseeable future. Or for that matter till I can get a letter from NGC I cannot apply for one either. So I am stuck having to use my Birth Certificate under Birthname and M.

It wouldn't be so bad but my P60 is screwed up too.
It says Mr in one box and Miss in the box beneath it. I mean seriously either get it wrong or get it right. But don't do both on the same document!

Sigh.

I need to work, I need to start actually having a life so that I can better my life and get some of the things I need out of it.

Going to take a while I guess.

At least it is getting closer to the 26th.
Meeting G in person and having a lovely day out with the Queer Framily (Yes Kal have nicked it!) and of course the appointment with NCG.

Oh and Electrolysis assessment next week too...

Connections

So yeah.
The bonds between the people we know.

Yesterday/last night whatever you want to call it, I was involved with a massive Facebook operation (yeah thinking of the Cadets again!) involving 500+ notifications over 3 hours.
These people are people that I am linked with for many reasons. It is safe to say I do love them all.

But I have as always been thinking about the links and bonds between others.

One of my best friends is dating someone who I have had issues with, that isn't a lie. Thing is they don't know, it but I bare them no ill will. I bare issues with what they and others said about me.

But it proves that things are hard to sort out.

Bleh.

I wonder about people a lot.
Maybe people do need someone to hate in their lives?
Maybe people need a "Nemesis" someone to fight against and try hard to destroy?

Maybe I fit that role too often.

But part of me wants to sort things out. I don't actually like to be hated. I have spent my life being such. Maybe that is my issue.

Who knows really. :/

Out of Sync

And no not talking about my MP3.

Tonight was meant to be youth group night. But with being ill and feeling like a trangst ridden bitch I didn't go.

So instead I have done fuck all (Okay I applied online for another 3 jobs in Kettering etc) But otherwise another wasted day. I have had nearly a 9 months of wasted days really. Been some wonderful ones spent with the fantastic circle of friends I have out there. But in the large it has been boring days of nothing for months now. Looking forwards to when I got my benefit, just so I could go and see people.

A lot of this time I have built and painted stuff. Or done house work. 8000 points worth of my stuff is nearly done. In all 55% of 13000 (500 models) points of my Warhammer 40k stuff is complete. Not to mention 50% of all the Lord of the Rings models too! Because it was either paint/build or drink if I am honest. I restarted my Xbox with a new account meaning I had the chance to start all the games again.

But all of this has been because I have become steadily more socially reclusive. Being isolated for 3 months really fucked me head about. It has left the wounds of distrust, loneliness and social fear in my mind. I feel out of sync with how to deal with people for more than one or two days a week if I am brutally honest with myself.

I have a long road to go before I am even halfway recovered to the being I was back in December last year. It is going to have to be walked and gone over because I can't let my mind trap me in social isolation again. Been there for years.

So what steps am I taking?

1) Applying for a lot of jobs in social enviorments. (Including care homes, children's homes and shops).

2) Going out at least 3 times a week to do something social. Normally B.yoU and Games nights.

3) Learning about new things, so that I can converse more about more interesting topics.

and 4) Trying hard to make a few small changes to my social skills, trying (failing) to learn the art of being tactful and not dominating a conversation. Not easy really.

I am trying to undo who I am a bit.
I am both highly passionate, yet seem detached and none committing to a task. Odd yes.
But it is hard trying to undo 20 years of fucked socialisation. It is a long and slow journey of trial and error and not much fun either.

This is the life I want, so I will fight for it :)

What it takes in life.

Life is a complicated mess quite often.

But I have found that the best way I can deal with life is, and I know it seems silly.
But I write and I blog.

This method of dealing with life has been for me the most benificial.

But why?

I have tried counselling for years
never found any of it useful
but I find blogging theraputic
it's less interrogating and tense
less rude
you learn more how to help yourself than to be patronized and wallow in your problems
less hostile in my experience
less.. worrying. always worrying how they'll react, if you're breaking your confidentiality, what they think of you..
there's no pressure to give answers or say anything
how they will treat you after
if you've typed it you can edit it later on
with blogging it is just a great free way to express it
definitely
I think you learn more about your own thought process via reading back on what you've written than some stranger trying to analyse you from what you appear
yes and it isn't just the bad things
you can talk freely about the good and bad
definitely
you're not forced to do anything, to compromise, to comply
it's so open
no dependancy either.


Just a ramble

My dark recent past

So I don't know why I have been thinking about these things but I have. And I need to get them out and off my chest.

I am not the physically largest person. I might have been born into a male body. I am 5'8", I am about 10.4 stone in weight and have been for a few years. For some reason I lack upper body strength, possible link to some genetic default. So yeah.

Two years ago, I was in the 5th year of college, the second of my A-Levels. I had just lost my nan, who I loved dearly. I was emotionally vulnerable and in need of company and affection. A girl who was a "friend" basically took advantage of me in this state. she was violent, aggressive selfish and unpleasant. She didn't like the fact that I was and still am cold, distant and aloof. That I didn't shower her with a constant stream of compliments and when I needed time alone she called me selfish etc.

She asked me to have sex with her. But I couldn't. Issues I had been trying hard to pretend didn't exist, pretty much meant that I couldn't have sex with her at all. Thing is she knew at the time that I had been to see the GP about these issues. And well was prescribed the NHS equivalent of Viagra. Yeah I am not going to deny that I went down that root, (hey at the time I was trying to be a Cis Heterosexual man...) So I had some. She kind of took them, without warning me. And a few days later invited me to stay over. She tried pressurising me into sex again. Again I couldn't perform as she wanted me too. So instead she made me a cup of Valarium tea, as even then I couldn't sleep well. I am not sure what she did, but I have a feeling that she used the Viagra too.

I remember drinking the tea, and she asked if I would pleasure her. I did so as I am often very dutiful in a relationship. Anyway the combination of the Valarium and the fact that she wrenched my arm with her tree trunk sized thighs. I passed out. An hour or two later I woke up, there were signs of sexual relations and well the evidence that latex condoms had been used (I am allergic, brings me out in hives). She denied it. In fact she spread some really fucking awful lies about me. Leading to a complete social exclusion. This as you can imagine led to me failing all 3 of my A-Levels. Damn near destroyed me.

I turned to alcohol. I turned to something that I kept hidden for a very very long time. No one at home seemed to notice that I was steadily drinking myself to death. I was happily allowing my life for 2 months to destroy itself. I had nothing of value, no worth or confidence. I then met some people, one who helped me a great deal. And another woman much the same as the one above. Big, heavy aggressive women. It happened again. Just as I came out as bi with a preference towards Males. And then I got Sexually Assaulted again. Why it happened I don't know. But it has happened twice. So it sent me from December 08 till July 09 into a steady spiral into alcoholism. I needed to feel numb. I needed to not feel or remember how I felt.

I probably would have drunk myself to death. If it was not for meeting a certain young man. An Ex Member and the old Co-Ordinator for the North West. Just meeting Evan back in July seemed to make me realise that I needed to sort my life back out. I did I tried to at least. But then a wave of grief and the sudden realisation of gender issues, led to my failed OD Last October.

Things got good again. Then Some unpleasant lying arsehole made another strike against my well being. I lost someone who meant a great deal to me at the same time, became forcefully isolated. So again I returned to the bottle rather hard. I had to. Infact it was only meeting someone in person a month after I started drinking (maybe even only a few weeks) he saved me from myself, without knowing it.

People seem so eager to judge and destroy me. I know I am often like wildfire, dangerous if not handled right. But that is who I am.

Genderqueerness

I feel blank, null, with out clear definition. Grey. Void.

You get used to being something and someone. And then for some reason you just feel somewhere between or outside of things. I know most of the time I am largely female. I would say about 85% of the time. 10% I am nothing. I guess I got used to not being anything, excluding and being excluded. I guess for a lot of my life I was nothing. I was the grey creature. Not male enough to be male, not female enough to be a girl. Just a creature or a character in a story. The other 5% Makes even less sense. It isn't female, male, nothing but it is something. Something greater or stranger. Something that I don't feel is all that human.

I read a lot. Mainly Sci Fi ans stuff.
I love how aliens and things can have multiple genders. I am also intrigued with the idea of creatures like Deamons, genderless beings that can inhabit someones body. Maybe this void and blankness for me I relate it to this kind of thing. No I don't think I am possessed.I am more fascinated with the concept of both none gender and other gender. A part of me is as such. But I can't think of a way to describe it, because it isn't a male part at all. Other than my body there is nothing really male left about me.

This as you can possibly imagine makes me then question my sexuality. Most of the time I am nonesxual, just flirty etc. And more often than not a pleaser. But when I kind of reach to the Genderqueerness I find that the issues with my genitals vanish. I don't particularly like what I have, but with a sudden rush of lust I kind of make do with it. But when in the GQ zone the associated Trangst isn't there. There is still very little pleasure but it kind of makes me feel weird, the voidness at least. But I also become some kind of sexually driven Pansexual creature. Weird eh?

Maybe I am destined to just drift about through life never always being one thing. Or at least for the foreseeable future. Maybe this is just how things are going to be till I get on to Hormones, or T blockers to be more accurate, maybe the feeling would be driven from me then?

All I know is that I am very much in that Grey zone, and have been for a while. Maybe it is the waiting, being half one things and still being the other?

Exclusion

I have been bullied for a very long time.
I just about every way that you can think of.
Physical, name calling, threats, mental abuse, sexual abuse. You name it I have experienced some form of it at some point in my life.

But for me personally what I find worse is Exclusion. It is disgusting. Maybe it is the fact that I have a fair few siblings and have always played games together and stuff, but I think to purposely ignore someone is just wrong. It is rude. And rather vile. Don't get me wrong I am far from perfect. But even on a site designed to support and help someone, I am finding that I am largely ignored. This came to a point when a senior member asked if it bothered me that I seem to be being excluded. Yes it bloody well does.

So why the rant out of the blue? Well went to B.yoU tonight. But for some unknown reason it didn't seem to be running, none of the workers were there. But the 3 of us that did turn up we chatted and got invited to join a youth group that was there and running. They seemed like such unusual young people. They respected each other, they weren't argumentative and they gave each other the chance to talk and be involved. Which from the other youth projects I have been too, is completely abnormal. There is normally a lot of bitching and fighting going on. So being asked to be involved was nice. But there was a young lad, the workers didn't seem to know what to do with him, he seemed to be both self exclusive and they seemed to exclude him a little too. It just bothered me, because I hate the fact that it happens to me.

I will never say I am the most social or the greatest company, but being ignored and left out really does hurt. I guess I am not the most wonderful person to know, but still it doesn't make it right or fair. Same with people I was once, or at least I felt, a good friend too, just blocking me, removing me as a friend etc. Leaves me feeling abandoned. Maybe my issues are with loneliness?

Anyway here is a link to my vlog.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PD_an4PYd6E

Games Day 2010

Fucking hell!!!!

Possibly one of the most amazing days I have ever had in my life. Barring the no sleep, I have had one of the most exciting days I have had in a very long time.

Today was Games Day. Games Workshop's massive convention. A room, well the LG Arena filled with noisy and excited wargamers. And then there was me.

I am socially anxious at the best of times, and unfamiliar people really scare me. So why did I decided to do it?

Firstly I love my hobbies. I got to see some wonderful models and stuff.
Secondly and more importantly I was with one of my best friends. First time I met her in person too. She is tall, but so beautiful, even if she was dressed as a dirty Heretic!



That is her on the left. In full costume lol. She helped to make a good day Excellent and fantastic! I love you to bits Kara!!!

I also met my favourite Author and got one of my favourite books signed too! Among some other signatures in my Inquisition source book. Saw some fantastic examples of painted models in the Golden Deamon cabinets. Oh and a life size moving Space Marine!!!

Yeah this blog is just about being a massive fangirl.
Not going to even let the fact that I did get crushed, proded and I think felt up in the forgeworld que... bother me! It has been one of the most fantastic days of my life. Things I love with awesome company what could actually be better than that?

Time in focus

So I am ever try to change from the person I was. In fact a year ago tomorrow I was a very different person. I was in a dangerous place and I was well rather self destructive. Why because I didn't want to admit I was trans. Stupid I know. But like it was difficult, maybe denying it was my own way of handling it. But that came to head on the 28th of September last year. I guess a strange anniversary to remember. Because it was the day I admitted it. And the day I nearly died.

Not a good time. I was not in the worlds greatest place. I was at the time in a relationship with someone highly dependant and massively self-abusive. I was just starting Uni and having issues with the Mothering unit about being queer. I will admit I tried to Over Dose on a lot of things. I wanted to take the quick way out. I was scared, stressed and I will admit it, I thought myself a freak. Now it is well know the majority of people I get on with are trans. So it seems a little stupid to say that, realising that was what and who I am made me feel that way but it is true. I have always had a massive respect for the trans people I know. But I guess admitting it was well very hard for me.

I also don't like the fact that I became so attention seeking for a good few weeks. Maybe that is because of the fact that I had made myself stupidly vulnerable. And I still tried hard to deny it. And understand it myself.

So things happened, I started to full apart, met some of the most amazing people on this planet. Fell in love twice. Got my heart broken. Had my life fucked over. And all that Jazz. But at long last, I think since the End of Feb. I took control. Dealt with so much, that some people find it amazing how I coped. I met the people I know I would die for, or at least a few of them. People who I feel are and were strong for me, in my hours of need. People who just wanted to help. I know I have miles to come till things are better if I am honest but I will get there.

I realised that the 26/10 is the day that things will start to get real for me, in terms of Transgenderism. But that day is also the day that I first met Karl in person, last year. A lot of things have happened since then. I don't think I am anything like the person I was then. 13 months of knowing that I have the wrong body to gender combination and my life is finally about to start working out as I need it to.

I have spoken to Wigan College, more particularly the Health & Beauty Director. I have asked about being a test subject for Hair removal treatments. She said it was unusual but will get back to me. I feel this is an important step, in the grand scheme of things as I need to start making some personal changes so that I can get to a point where as I can attempt to try and pass etc. So Fingers crossed. I have also spoken to PALs about getting some voice coaching up here in Wigan. They said they will see what they can do about it too.

And today. Well Today I am going to go and fight the hard wired Social Anxiety issue. I am going to go and spend the day in the company of thousands of crazy and wonderful wargaming, model building and paint geeks! For today is Games Day. And something that is both highly exciting and a little scary for me! Even if most of the wargamers I know think I have one of the most epic names ever....

So a journey though my Trans history. How I have gotten to where I am now. It has all finally fallen into place.

It is safe to say I am scared and excited at the things to come.

Friendships :D

Have you ever thought about how you know people?
The ones that make all the difference, the important and wonderful ones?

Most of my close friends, the ones I would choose to hang out with, the ones I would do my best to help. I have met from QYN. Or via members on here. Until a year and a bit ago, I didn't really have friends. Not till I joined here and B.yoU at least. I know moving is going to cost me a few associates and the odd friend and mean I don't see most of them often. I know it is but a year till I can go to uni. I am still thinking Sheffield. I have friends there. And I know others who are heading that way too.

But I am going to be brutal here. If it wasn't for the members The Target (Kal), Reaper666 (Karl) and Superboi (George). I would still very much be alone. I wouldn't have the people in my life who I can spend hours talking to or even days spending time with. Those three people have helped me meet some wonderful people. And are in fact wonderful people too. But without Kal I wouldn't have met Saka, El or Carlisle.

Those four people, I tend to try and meet up with at least once a month, hopefully back to twice a month soon. Before I move to MK. But guess what, you are not losing me that easy! Hehe even if it does cost me more (well actually not that much more thanks to young person rail card!) I still plan to see you as often as possible. You are four of the most amazing people I know.

And George, I would like to get to know you better too! You seem like a fairly interesting guy. And thanks to you I met Ty, who I spend way to long talking to because he is interesting too!

And well Karl, we shall just see how things go I think. I am likely to be about and near to you for most of the next year! Happy times!

Things is moving to MK, I will be able to see some of the other amazing people I know a bit more too. I am still close enough to get to Chesterfield and to Nottingham as well, by train at least. But there are some people I know down south I also do get on with. So being able to spend time with them would be nice too.

I guess I think about friendships a lot more than some people, because until May last year, I didn't have any. And I guess some part of me feels they will be torn down and away from me. Maybe I am a little weird, maybe a bit dependant on those people I have let close to me. But I never had it before. At all.

I love the people I have in my life right now. They truly are amazing people =D

Outcast

Outcast - somebody who has been rejected by a group or by society.

That is me. An Outcast, a radical and a malcontent.
I know all of this, part of the reason I cause so many problems for people, and argue and things. I have lived a life full of destruction and wrath. And now it seems that it is come full circle.

I think my diabetes has begun to fail me. I am losing my sense of touch. And it is still impossible thanks to the bloody cuts that where made at the start of the year to see the diabetic team. I have been waiting since Jan to see them! And I have to wait till November! For Fuck Sake!

Most people bearly know me if I am honest. The few I let close well, don't get the full story. But for years I have been battling many deamons. Depression, the diabetes and gender et all. I don't know how much more resources I have left. I have been over stretched and all but drained.

And then there is the social part. I miss my friends, yet I am pushing them away. Again several reason why. But I am not even going to say what they are.

I am just sorry.

Books

I thought I would share something completely insane and special to me.
Books.

I love them. Always have done so.
Particularly Sci-fi and fantasy books.
It is one of the few things that I have love since I was little.

Since getting so involved with Games Workshop. I have began to read all of the books that I can. It is hard to decide if I love wargames and models or books more. I guess really my love is for both of them.



My mountain of books. About half of all the books I own, they are just the ones from the black library. I guess books have always been an escape. As much as painting and wargaming is. I can be the greatest hero, experience the most wonderful adventures and well not have to deal with the troubles I have and the issues that often all but consume me. Maybe I have been looking hard to find away out of this life, but not taking that finite route. Because things have to get better someday?

At least I cling to that hope. Everyday. It is what keeps me going.

Books are such wonders.

Ah I have been away for a couple of days

So yeah I have been not blogging, at least no on here for a few days.

I have started to shrink away a bit. Just feeling mildly trangsty and a little frustrated with some issues at present. My life seems to go from moments of boredom to the other extreme. I guess I wish things could be changed but maybe I should just get used to the fact that people are going to be pretty horrid about me for a long time to come.

Maybe I am paying for the sins of a past life. Maybe if I believed that was true, I don't know any more. My mechanisms for coping with life have long since ceased to function. Maybe I do need a brand new start. Or to find an end. I am not talking suicide here, I am talking an end to my suffering and awkwardness. I wish I could blame myself for the things that have been going wrong but I find it hard to do so. Because it isn't just my fault.

There are many issues going on in my life. But somethings are beginning to get awkward. They are beginning to hit me again. Harder than they did when they first came about. I am steadily being consumed be an ungodly wrath. I am hating and being eaten by it entirely. I hate feeling this negative. This bitter.

Bollocks.

I know I shouldn't have to keep fighting every tiny little thing. I wish I didn't have to really. But it seems I am destined to have to. Fight to be who I am, fight to live in peace, fight to not have to feel paranoid by the mechanisms of others. Fight to have a sense of self worth. I fight for my very right to exist everyday. And while I haven't been defeated yet. There is time for everything. And Chance...

I don't know. I feel like part of me is falling apart. I feel dead if I am honest. Or I that I have nothing to really look forward to in life. Some may have known that I have been having issues with love/lust etc but there are even more complications...

But I am not getting into them.

My cries go unheard. My voice is silent. My emotions never make a sound. I can do great things to many people. But one has to learn how to get the best from me. I can be very old or brand new. But wisdom and knowledge I do contain. What am I?

Oh Bollocks.

What the fucking hell does me head want?

Why is it running itself in complex designs?

Fuck, fuck fuck!

Everything is completely complicating itself. And for once I haven't made it so! Well not by action at least. Emotionally I really wish I could understand what I want and stuff. But how can I understand something that I just can't?

This of course is putting strain on my mind. And making me question my own values. Among other things.

There are a few people who I am confused over. Two of them it is no wonder or nothing new about, I have made it pretty clear how I feel about them. Two of them both now how I feel about them but there are issues complicating it. And then there are two others were it is hard to explain. And yeah I know people are going to read this and ask who! But if you know me then you will know I will merely pull a licky face and say that I am not saying :P

Why am I such an Emotional cripple and coward?
That said there is way too much other crap inside my head (seriously the Fragile by NIN....) just discord at present. Maybe I need someone older? Or emotionally able to deal with an emotional cripple? I don't know!

And still no one has said.

Why is a Raven like a writing desk?

Uni Ponderings

Bournemouth, Bradford, Hull. Sheffield, Southhampton, West London and Aberdeen. Those are my choices.

Or rather the ones that offer Nursing Diploma.

I am in the process of sorting it all out again, UCAS is a pain in the arse. That means selling myself with the Personal Statement. I wish I still had my old one, but alas Computer Reboot lost me that.

I hate trying to sort out this side of it. I don't think that I can sell myself very well at all really. So that is just beginning to get started again.

I am also in need of picking up some practical experience somewhere, this has led to talking to the hospitals and my GP surgery to see if I can get some form of Work Exp so that I can prove that I have an interest in care work etc.

Mind both the Woman who is in charge of Student Support from Wigan College and my youth worker have given me good advice. The woman from college said that I should apply for Mental Health Nursing, as I have life experience in that area. My youth worker said the opposite that I should do Adult nursing instead, as untill my personal issues are settled, I may have difficulties dealing with other people with Mental Health issues.

Me I can see both of their points and have taken them on board. I am still undecided at present.

On the choice of the Unis mind, I am drawn to Sheffield if I am honest. The others I may go to the Open Days for etc and have a look at them, other than Aberdeen, because no way in hell am I going back to Scotland, let alone living on the North Sea Coast!

I think I will just work out what I want to go for as I do my personal Statement, I have till the end of the month I think, at least.

Boredom and loneliness.

I miss my friends.
They live so far away, and I find it difficult not seeing them as often as one might like too do. Once or twice a month is all I can manage, because of finances.

Bleh

This leaves me feeling a bit distant, I guess that I kick off at times because I am so used to having to fight for everything. Always have had to, I mean I am one of 5 siblings, and the one who has typically come last. I am not the oldest or youngest, I am not straight, or "normal" even by the stands of this family. I am not a cis girl. I am not the most aggressive one either. All I am is a queer. I am some what high functioning, my IQ is rather high compared to European Average. Yet even with that, I more often than not go ignored. Such is my life I guess.

I have little idea how to function without fighting. Arguing, chaos and it all. Just I guess become my typical manner to deal with lives issues and other things. Maybe I shouldn't be programmed this way at all. But when you have had to be this kind of person for so long, it is so hard to not be that, if that makes sense.

I know must people will not ever be able to understand what it is like to live inside my own head. I know that I actually don't tend to talk about it out loud either. I never tell people how I actually feel. Or much really. I know that I am a rather cold and aloof person, and the end of things, I do make more enemies than friends. I make no apologies of the person that I have sculptured into. Live a life of hardship and it will leave you broken I guess.

Someone said that I shouldn't blog if I don't want people to comment on them. I have 200+ articles. Most of them go uncommented. I do not blog for the sake of getting peoples input. No rather I do it so that I can actually get things off my chest, because I don't like to argue as much as I used to. Blogging is the one resource I have that calms me down, and keeps me going.

I don't like to be alone.

26/10/10

41 days. 41 days till I go to the GIC in Nottingham.

It does feel like a long time ago when I tried to overdose, spoke to someone on the phone about a completely unrelated matter, and began the realisation of who and what I am.

I have had a lot of change in this period, some of it good bits of it no so good. I have felt what love is and I have felt heart brake. I suffered at the hands of a megalomaniac youth worker. I have been forced to drop out of uni, and yes I suffered massive set backs with local NHS and stuff.

But at last things are and have fallen into place. I have my deed poll and bank cards with my chosen name on. I have my appointment at long last. I have some of the most wonderful and amazing friends on the face of this planet. And life seems to be heading in the right direction.

:D

Love

Love
Lust
In Love

Three things that should be the same, but are so completely different.
I am to put it simply emotionally challenged.
There are a few people that I am crippled with feelings over. I think they largely know who they are and stuff. And that is part of why the complex mixture of Love/Lust/In Love is starting to grind on me. Too much so!

Sigh

Why can it not be simple, A meets B, they go on a date, they have nice bond/good chemistry, they decided to see each other so more and eventually fall completely in love. And then the lust can happily blend in with it. You know the relationship they spew out in films. Why can I not have a low drama relationship where I can feel loved, be in love with and lust after the person I am with?

I know head fuck for an Asex person, but I never said sex with someone. I much prefer the foreplay, as that can go on for hours, and hours without any point of climax. And if it happens, heh who cares really. I mean sounds odd I know. Just like I know that other people need the sexual side of a relationship at times too. I just can live without it, but I am happy to please someone else. Just who I am.

A few people have asked me to write erotic/sex stories for them. the ones who have seen them have said that they are great or decent. I don't know why I have no idea about that side of a relationship, I tend to just do as I am told and asked and do it as well as I can. But then I have only had three semi sexual partners and one that I have gone all the way with. I guess I just write what seems to work and feels right.

But I do wonder. Maybe people are right about me. That I am incapable of truly loving someone else. Or that I am high to maintain, as I need so much pleasure in a relationship, and if it dips, I get frustrated and often self-aggressive. I guess that I actually have no idea of what I want or need. But this then increases my confusion and frustration.

I am the queer human being. And I am perhaps a frustrating human being too. I can only imagine how dealing with someone who is so variable and unpredictable in life can only be to deal with.

Such is the miracle of life. I get confused with the maze I walk in at times. And I am more often than not so very lost.

The 100th post.

So who thought I would actually reach 100th post?

So thanks to everyone who does read and who has been supportive of me over the months. It really means a lot. In the last 16 months I have met some incredible people. Some who are always seen and thanked. Others I have missed but not truly forgotten. Everyone I have met online and in person has done something for me. Even if the people have turned out to be massive douches or exs.

I have learnt a lot about who and what I am. I am me, An agendered female personalitied person. I have some wonderful close friends. And I have born a grudge for a very long time. I have a strange, dysfunctional family but I wouldn't trade them for anyone else.

Yes I have done somethings that I probably shouldn't have done. And got involved with people I shouldn't have. But I think every think I have experience has been for some reason. I have become pragmatic and perhaps vindictive at times. But then if you have been through what I have been through you would understand that that is the only way to be. Unfortunately I don't forget wrongs and things done to me, by anyone and while it takes time to formulate a plan of action. I will right those wrongs. Time and time again. Because I cannot tolerate injustice, no matter how small.

This creature has reached the stage after pupation. While I am far from the most beautiful thing to emerge. I am keen, and sure of many things. And I will carry on fighting for what I feel is right, no matter how hard I have to do that.

I have no idea where life is going to go from this point. But I shall enjoy the ride

To the QYN founders.

So I know that my blog entry has caused a storm of chaos, but I really couldn't care.

I am curious mind, do anyone who has desires to usurp the founders actually know what they do?

Other than the web stuff of course?

I have a slight insight into what they actually do do. Through experience. Some will know of the difficult period I had at the start of this year. Most of you will not know of the support that I was provided by both Michael and David during that period. Neither of them had any obligation to be there and support me, other than I was a QYN member. I went through so much stress, yet they both did what they could with LGBT Youth North West and Manchester City Council.

I know that it was taxing on me. And I didn't ask either of them to get involved but they did. Because they felt it was in my best interests. I am fucking glad that they did support me, because truth be told I hit rock bottom during that period. But Michael helped a lot with the stress I had to go through.

And since then I have still had support from the founders because they are both amazingly nice guys, who's hearts are there to care about the members of this forum. Would anyone else actually be able to deal with some of the issues I went through in that period? No I don't think so.

And yes Mikey has been a massive help to me too. A lot more recently mind, but has always been there when I have felt so low. He is one of the nicest and most experienced members on here, and again, few people can put up with the shit that someone on the suicide edge goes through, but he has.

So like before you try to start a mutiny, you should actually think of the roles these three actually fill. And all the things that they may well have to do, to help members. I know I most likely wouldn't be here without the constant support that I have recieved from all three of them. Support I have had from my close friends too, but it has meant a lot coming from genuine Samaritans.

How many others could actually be a True Samaritan?

Fresh.

I am starting to feel like I am becoming a new person.

I guess I should talk about the person I was.
I used to be silent, self absorbed and violent. I also used to be envious and highly aggressive. I used to be a complete lone wolf.
But then a life time of bullying will make you in to a cruel and pragmatic person. How else would you survive. I will admit I have never bullied another, but then again I was isolated and an outcast.

I have learnt to deal with those part of me. Keep them under control.
I also feel that I have been come something a little bit more polite and a bit more capable of handling myself. I have let my more positive things shine though.
I try hard to help those I care about in every way that is possible. I have learnt how to trust other people. I have learnt who the people I can depend on are and who my friends are too.

I have also returned to my original dreams of wanting to help people. To me this means doing nursing. I might try and see what other things I can get over the next year too. But I want to do what I can to make my life better.

I am who I am. And Proud of that fact.

So is it just me or does this seem fucked up?

"This is an open letter I've run past other volunteers at the QYLSE meet today. We've been discussing what we want to do within QYN and we all feel there's a s serious problem with leadership. We all want to be more active but feel we can't do anything without official say-so and we just aren't receiving the support we need."

Fair enough. But what of the rest of forum? I mean there are lots of other people, yet they have been overlooked completely. Why does LSE seem to think that it is more important than the rest of the country?

"Once upon a time QYN was amazingly popular and loved by its members. These days people are saying that if it wasn't for London meets, they wouldn't bother. They're saying the site is too complicated and they aren't getting the support or social interaction they need. I don't think it's too melodramatic to say that QYN is dying around you."

Funnily, It was popular, before LSE members started to become Moderators and in fact most of the volunteers of the forum. Again there are other areas to the country but clique voting tend to cause members from one area to be elected into positions off power, which then makes other members feel pushed of the site.

"There are two main problems – lack of leadership and the site. There are so many people who really want to give back to the community that has given them so much. For example, Avery and myself were discussing the need for a head volunteer role that we were willing to share. We would organise who was doing what role, and deal with membership issues – a role that is desperately needed. We then find that the role has been given to someone else, someone no one really knows or trusts, without any consultation. We worry that this person is not at all suitable for the role and that Avery and my idea was completely passed over without any explanation – especially when we were told it was being considered."

And you think that these two, untrained, none youth worker background members would be qualified to be able to monitor and manage other young volunteers? No I don't think that would be safe or sensible. Maybe you should actually get to know the person chosen for the role and their background, because believe me, the right man for the job.

QYN is far from perfect, but if the LSE members seem to have a belief that the rest of the forum don't count, should they truly be able or responsible to make the decisions for the rest of the forum, the founders are doing what they do and doing it rather well mind. Yes there are improvements but they should be decided among the entirety not among 55%.

The four Muskequeers strike again!

Four QYNers.
Three of the greatest friends I have, in the world ever. While there where four Muskequeers, there is now a 5th. A young member I have met a few times and is rather awesome.



The Original four. With me on the left :P



The new five :P
Things are getting better.
It was lovely spending the entire day with some of the most amazing people on the planet.

And a quick game of 40k which I won too! All in all a very good day!

Thoughts born of boredom.

I have been thinking.
About a lot of nothing.

I guess life has kind of stopped a little. Mind maybe I have reached the point where I have just gotten lonely and that is why the boredom is hitting me harder.

So yeah I got my Games Day ticket, and the mini that comes with it. Spent the evening painting it too!

Tomorrow I am off to see Saka, Kal and others too!

Hopefully I will feel more alive after the weekend.

Here's to hope.

Change, Transformation, Mutation, and Evolution

I guess I am seeing how life is beginning to change. They might be changing slowly, but things are starting to change at last.

So why am I thinking about things.

I am thinking about many things to do with the title.

Changing address and other things, making new friends and a fresh start again. One that I feel like I have earned at long last. Been through my hard times, massively difficult and stressing times this year. So of you know the details, but it has been one of the most taxing periods of my life. I feel like I have aged more in the last year then I have done in 21 of the others.

On Paper at least I have begun to transition, I am saving cash up towards getting my facial hair at least lasered off at least. That said also applying for as many jobs as I can with the hope of getting one at least. I would like to earn my money and make use of my time at least. Getting frustrated with having nothing to do.

It has been 18 months since I last saw the Diabetic people, and they have at long last sent me through an appointment, so I guess I will talk to them about any issues that might come up with Transitioning, and get them to follow it up as well as getting the GP to do it. I will get my referral sorted out. Soon.

I guess I really have evolved from the slightly confused and irrational person I was 18 months ago. I am never going to be people perfect, or in fact liked by the majority. But if I choose to get involved with someone who feels the same, it really is none of anyone else's business. If things happen they will happen. I always give my whole and best to who ever I am involved with. So remember it has nothing to do with you, or anyone else, bar me and them.

Change is coming.

Some good news at least....

Well seems Lloyds TSB are keen to take care of Trans individuals.
I went and changed my name last week, on Friday I think it was.
This of course meant reordering my bank cards.

Well they came this morning.


Rather pleased with that to be honest. Will be seeing if I can get an appointment with my GP to change my name on the NHS and stuff, tomorrow. And to chase my referral up too.

Still not feeling up to communication much really. Just keeping myself busy really. All I can do, it will pass again, just feel the need to be alone. Saka and Karl I know you will both read this, thanks for being there when I need you, it is nice to know that some people do care. And are almost as stubborn as me so will wait it out with me.

I will hopefully see you Saka and co this weekend. I will let you know how I am feeling when it comes to it.

Is it strange that love is the only thing that shines in the darkness?

Still feel broken...

Have you ever wanted to understand the things you feel.

But know you cannot?

That is were I am, stuck in the middle of nothing.
Just not feeling, not knowing and all that jazz.

Argh!

I wish I didn't feel so numb.

It has been two years since my nan passed. Two hard long years, there is a void in my life. So clear around Christmas yet it just seems to effect me. The rest of the family seem to have moved on. I haven't mind, I don't know how to. It is the same with Sarah I just can't seem to move on from it.

Emotions are bloody twisted.

Distance...

So like I hoped this year might be different, but alas the grief is kicking in again.

So I am withdrawing deep inside myself, as that is how I handle myself and my emotional responses to people and situations.
I am lacking the desire to want to talk to people at all if I am honest. It isn't anything personal, I just don't feel conversational. I mean maybe I just need a quick brake to let my mind work itself out.

As some do know, I don't know how to handle grief really, some people tell me that I should talk about it, explain how I feel and stuff. It doesn't work for me, I have tried it a lot. I can't explain what I do not understand. And I really don't understand why these two blocks of grief, the one that hits me in July and this one keep coming back, and why they still hurt and make me feel alone.

Just confusing.

So sorry people, I am going to go and allow my head to work its way through it again. Just wish I knew how to make sense of what is in my head at these times. I have tried talking through it, very much, but it doesn't work for me, at all. I just need some time and space to work myself out again.

Grief is unique to us all.

This is the 90th blog in just about 3 months...

Yeah that shows the volume of my need to blog really.
I tend to do it everyday. I guess it is my therapeutic outlet.

Anyway lets take a quick look at what has gone on in the last few weeks so that I can clearly see what is going on in my life.

I have changed my name via deed poll. It might have cost me a bit, but I am glad I did it the way I did. As I spent yesterday walking about changing my name in various places and I had no problems anywhere.

I have had my initial psych appointment and got a diagnoses of sorts. I have come out to my mum and I will be seeing the GP on Monday to find out what is going on.

I guess I need to think about what I want to do in the next 12 weeks, my last most likely in the near future. Because by the end of November we are definitely to move to Milton Keynes. I am looking forward to this, mind I would like to get some things sorted, maybe sort out a job for when I move down there. It would be nice to work any where really. I just would like a job. Being a healthcare assistant would be best, but I would happily go full time into retail, admin etc.

I don't really now how long it might take to to get into the GIC system, I fear moving will fuck it up. But we shall see.

I need Pepsi Max.

...

What a fantastic Trans related day!

So yeah I went about changing my name on paper.

Firstly DWP.
I thought these bunch would be pains in the arse they often are. They didn't give me a straight answer over the phone, meaning I had to go into the office to sort it out. The line mangers in there are always polite and helpful. But they were even more so. They took me through the changing of name and title on their systems. They marked it down so that I was highlighted as a special and sensitive case. And said they would make sure that I no longer get referred to as sir on the phone! Win!

Secondly the bank.
I then headed to the bank. They took me into an office and started to get the paperwork sorted out. I then explained about the change of pronouns. Ended up talking about being Transgendered, and dealing with mum and stuff. The woman was dead nice and everything. She even looked to see if there was a neutral title she could put on my statements. We laughed when she said I could always become Rev Terran A L Edwards, as it would be quite against the religious norms. A second win!

Finally college.
Even know I finished with them a year ago. They were still pleasant and said they would help me with stuff. I spoke to the woman who is in charge of UCAS Applications about getting on to a degree. I explained about name and gender change and how it had been a contributing factor to leaving Bolton Uni. I talk about needing to do something more practical, she suggested that Diploma in Nursing would probably give me that. She also understood the need to start things medically with transitioning and said that the college will do what they can to support my application.

So all in all, a rather awesome day. Now to get on about my CRB forms and begin volunteering in NHS places.

HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY!!!

The plan.

So like I am sitting here and thinking about what I want to do in the next 12 weeks.

I am slowly doing some painting and getting my various armies complete. So I am thinking I might get some new models, of which I get to build and paint. I am thinking Tanks. Got to love them really. So I would like to get 5 more tanks. Not too bad really and affordable at one every couple of weeks. And so much different to paint than infantry.

And there is possibly Alton Towers this weekend. And then heading to Derby next weekend. At some point I think I will head to Nottingham. One so I can find and familiarise myself with the GIC and the station. And the very lay out of the town. Seems like a good idea, plus I get to meet George too.

Hmm. I think I may also start doing some more writing. And I might do some kind of photography project too. I like to keep myself busy. Stops bad things happening. I guess. Mind I also will be pushing myself to socialise more, and that means that I will be aiming to get more and more games in. Because I know that I need to change somethings in my life. And I don't like feeling so lonely, so logically I think getting more games and mingling with other gamers is and will be a good thing.

Hope is often the first stage in belief.

I walk alone...

A song by Tarja the exfront liner for Nightwish.

But I have been thinking. Yes I now should stop that habit really.
But I am ever going to be a square peg in a round hole when it comes to socialising. It does complicate life. I feel scared to mingle with people.

But it is like I have been thinking. It has been a fair few weeks since I spent time with people I am close to. I miss them, yet part of me, and I know it is happening. I am withdrawing, I felt it at pride. I have felt it for weeks. I know that I used to have people in Manchester that I could hang out with and relate to. But alas some dick lied and then those friendships withered and died. I guess I have been withdrawing from there.

And yet people don't see how much those lies have hurt me. Or the ones from Jan. Between those 6 months I have lost a lot. Not physically (other than a stone and a half of weight) but I have a fair few mental scars left. Trust no longer exists. And I deliberately stay as far away from others as I can. I just don't feel like I fit in with anyone. Anywhere. I just feel alone now.

This causes other problems. I have a great mask online. I am confident, and cheeky. Flirty and stuff. I am the exact opposite of what I am in real-life. I guess I have become a separate online persona. One that is far removed from the weird human I am.

Friends are still a brand new concept to me. I never had them when I was little. I had one or two in my teens. But that was it. I have few real friends now, but some of them actually seem to want to spend time with me. Still freaks me out. At school I was always the bizarre, moody, angsty, largely silent little freak. Some part of me wants to return to being that person. Weird eh?

I just don't want to be alone any more, but I am scared to want to encounter someone I actually want to be with.

Safety is in what we know best.

After angst

So yeah earlier I was rather angsty. Trans issues and stuff mixing together.

But I am feeling more at peace now.

Life can be a bitch at times. But I am steadily trying to out weigh negatives with positives. I am trying hard to make some effort to do what trans related things I can. Such as seeing if I can access voice coaching in Wigan. And maybe see if I can get on with hair removal too! Because I am cheeky like that I want and need to get the ball in motion. Because I am also determined to get what I need in from the NHS. I can't afford to go private. Or to take care of some of the highly expensive part.

So I will make an appointment to see my GP on Friday. It will have been 10 days since the Psych appointment. So seems the right time to hassle him over the referral and to well cheekily ask if he can refer me to someone for voice coaching. And maybe look into getting lasered too!

Strange that the idea of being lasered makes me happy really. But it does :p

Excitement is a delightful emotion.

Ah the unpleasantness of being male bodied.

Or rather having my body maybe.

I didn't hit puberty till about 16, there seems to be a lack of testosterone in the males in this family. But it is still clear that the effects of T are apparent, mostly because the beard hair grows weirdly and patchy. This makes shaving it difficult. Because the hair grows in different angles and some bits curl all over. So yeah I cut myself nastily this morning. Sigh.

And then to make matters worse, because of this evil sunny weather, and for some cruel twist of fate from being photophobic, my sex drive has gone through the ceiling! And sure enough... that means things have been happening in that area. I have no idea why, but it happens. And I am not exactly small! So argh!

I really do hate being Male bodied at times. Well most of the time, if I am honest. I can't wait till I can begin to transition. I am trying hard to get there and I know I was set back 4 months. But fingers crossed that I can get my first appointment before the inevitable move to Milton Keynes. Fingers crossed for a better future to come for me.

To alter oneself is to find the true person we are.

The beginning of something new.

So where is it that my mind has been walking down.

Romance, I guess.
And the queer side of being Asexual.
And issues of Transgenderism.

It is all a jumbled and disorganised pile in my head. I don't think about things in a logical A to B manner. I tend to see things and experience them in a certain manner. One that gives me a chance to understand and handle them all. I need to process everything at my own pace.


I have come to some kind of crossroad.

I meet people I like. Their gender isn't important, I accept anything and everything. Because that is who I am. But I know that people have a lot of issues with how I present. I guess genderfuck is the most adequate term. It isn't cheap being Trans. And for a MtF it feels even worse because one of the most important things is facial/body hair and getting rid of it is not cheap. So this in part makes me resist and hold back from even trying beyond the internet.

I know that some people accept me for what I am, and how I identify as. But I find it hard. I tend to be wrapped up in layers of clothing. I am more prone to trangst than I pretend or show. But I try very hard to just keep going. I work through it time and time again. Because that is what I need to do. I fight through stuff a lot really.

Guess I am scared by it, that maybe mum is right.

A mind that walks in darkness needs to be illuminated.

Difficulties of understanding what I am at times.

So pride.
A celebration and a protest and a demonstration for everything Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Trans related. It also covers pretty much everything else, Questioning, curious and Queer.

But something is always missing.

Asexuality. Or Demisexuality or nonesexuality. Whatever it is called, it isn't recognised at any pride event I have been too. In fact it is bearly recognised anywhere.

I more often than not I say Queer when people ask. Because it is so difficult to explain what I am. But there are reasons why I am what I am. I am Asexual. A fair few people have told me that I can possibly by Ase. That because I have a sex drive of sorts, because I have had sex etc that I can't possibly be Asexual. Well having looked into it a lot, I have learnt that having a sex drive doesn't make me any less Ase, in fact not having one is a sign of a worse condition.

The fact of the matter is I am not comfortable being touched, in certain areas and on my bear skin etc. I love hugs and snuggling, kissing etc but not being touched. Some may find that weird, but there is also the fact that I have experienced no pleasure from sex or sexual acts, but I have from other sources.

I don't know, I just found it weird, that no one really cares, other than projects like AVEN and the Asexual Project on QYN, about the sexuality of Asexual people.

A mind that thinks is full of life.

Pride Manchester 2010...

SO I just got back.


Hardly took any photos all day (took 2!).

Which is very strange for me, I am normally a massive shutterbug.

The prade was long and awesome, nothing like walking proud with people you have gotten to know well. And while it was my second Manchester Pride, it is alas my last. That is part of the reason I walked with the youth group this year. It felt right and I am proud to have done so. I also got to meet some people I know, even if I was less than politely greeted by some, not that it matters. I am not likely to see them again any time, and if they want to be childish so be it.

Anyway I hate the weather, been off and on all day meaning it has played hell with my systems. One of the poor youth workers ended up having a hypo right at the start of the prade, To be honest that kind of freaked me out, I mean I have never seen myself have one, but from what I have been told, I am worse than the poor lad. A little bit of a wake up call, I guess. More so as my body started to go into Hypo spiral by the end of the prade. Weather does funny things it seems.

I spent the afternoon trailing round with the under 18 B.yoU members. Mainly because we were two staff down, and I am not a big crowd kind of drinker (neither do I drink alone for that matter what is the point eh?) so I volunteered to just help keep an eye on the young ones. Anyway I spent the afternoon, talking to the young Trans member, he is a sharp lad, has an idea where he is going etc. Smart lad for 13. We walked about the Expo Centre, collecting free stuff, chatting to some people. I got into a conversation about Trans Support Places, and talked to a Trans Minister, so I will say it, "God loves Trans People!"

I then headed off to meet a great mate for an hour, hadn't seen Oliver in months! Wish I had taken a picture of you mate, you looked bloody incredible and dead handsome, and you passed, my mates thought you where Cis!

Anyway Just a random day, but so much fun!

I couldn't decided which pin suits me really, could of done with finding a trans or bi one. But they were free so I have both :P





A happy mind makes for a content body.

Pride and a week of Transness

Pride in 15 hours.

I have put in a fair few hours work on stuff this year. I am rather happy and sad to be part of it. It is my last Pride with the B.yoU project most likely. It is also reconned that it is going to be the last pride for a long time, due to the budget cuts. I have mixed feelings about it.

The B.yoU Project has been something rather important in my life for nearly the last 16 months. It has been a life line, a place where I could socialise, I have had many invaluable chances with them and I have been accepted by the members and staff. They were there for me through a lot of things. Like coming out to my Mum as Queer after climbing a cliff wall. There when I came out as Transgendered. There through the hard parts of dealing with that treacherous hag from Manchester. And yet both members and staff have been highly supportive of me through everything. I am going to miss them, more than I can actually ever show them. I will.

I joined QYN and B.yoU at the same time. May last year. I have been though fuck loads of stuff since then. I have grown more in 16 months than I did in 20 years. I have found out who I am. And what I am made of. I am determined, persistent and a little depressed. But I am much more. I am someone who is capable of having friendships and romantic relationships. I can cope under extreme pressure and negativity for long periods of time. Yes I will admit I have had issues with Self Harm, but never with self loathing, I have always respected myself I guess.

I have evolved and mutated from that weird, silent long haired boything, to a socially capable young transwoman. And things can only improve over time. I have direction and purpose in my life again. And I will do what I can to become a better evolved and balanced person. Emotionally I do move from one to the other. But I have done that for years, but I know how to deal with the bad times and the good. I do manage to fight the urge to Harm myself and 99% of the time I win. Because I know that I have to. I am not as vulnerable as I have been. There are reasons for that, They are called friends and support. I have them both.

I will move to Milton Keynes come November. And I will get involved with stuff down that way. But I will miss what I have built here in Wigan.

A journey should be experienced. Because there is more to it than just the travel from A to B.

Back to square one.

I am the first to admit, that I am somewhat vulnerable, if mainly to my own mind and stuff. But as many will know, yesterday I had my long awaited psych appointment. He ran through a lot of things, Autism, Bi-polar disorder, Psychosis and paranoia. He ruled them out, all of them. Other than depression in his opinion I am mentally sound. In fact he pointed out that Transgenderism and Depression go hand in hand.

But last night, Mum had an argument with my stepdad, and took that out on me. Calling into question my transgenderism. And being unfair to me, for the fact I am not what I seem or should be, in her eyes. Anyway this made me trangst like mad, and I went from incredibly happy to well incredibly unhappy. Which meant I had to wrestle with a lot of anger and loads of other negative feelings all at once.

I didn't do anything, just cried and fell asleep.

Yet people seem to think that this means I am at risk, again. Not really. I am doing more than most people know to try and increase the quality of my life. And that includes looking at building a support structure for mum too. Even if she doesn't know it yet. But alas, I have gotten "Restricted" on QYN again. Yes I will admit I hit a low last night, but for the first time in almost an entire year I was actually on top of the world. And I was made to not be happy because mum had had an argument.

I didn't do anything, but I did feel so very low. I am not as at risk as people seem to think I am. In fact I am working hard to improve my life, and both to locate and access support for both me and my Mum. To me it seems counter-productive to restrict someone from accessing support they do need. Guess it means that for the next few weeks I will have to go to Janet and to locate other places for the support that I do need.

Every once in a while a person will stumble. This doesn't mean they have given up. Just that they need a little help.

Oh what a wonderful [trans] day!

So this is what happiness feels like.
Warm, comfortable and bliss.

Now before you think I am having a manic moment you are very wrong.

Today has been one of the best days of my life. In a VERY long time, there have been good days and fun days, but nothing like this.

So why you maybe wondering am I so very happy.

I went to see the Psych this morning, at some silly hour being 9.30 am. He was 30 minutes late, some may have taken that as an ill omen. Any way, normally when a patient is called it is MR this or MS that. He just used my birth name. That was it.

So he was youngish and Asian (for those who know, I have had massive issues with Asian doctors this last year), first thing he asked, do prefer me to use your birth name or your chosen name of Terran?

He proceeded to ask me relevant questions about my Gender Identity and if I had any other mental health issues. I answered everything truthfully, even the questions to do with personal gender experiences etc. By the end of it he said, I believe that you are indeed suffering from Gender Identity Disorder (before giving me some interesting figures on the increase of GID over the last 6 years). He said other than a need for my diabetes to be more closely monitored once I get on hormones, and to make sure I keep an eye on the depression that I would have little trouble transitioning.

We then chatted a little bit about connections to LGBT groups and other Trans people. He seem generally surprised that I have researched it all thoroughly and was aware of the basics of the process via NHS. All in all I was very pleased.

He then asked which GIC I wanted referral to, because he said had I thought about Leeds and Sheffield (yeah, not heard good things about them, and they aren't willing to provide much of the support I need either!). So I asked him to refer me to Nottingham. He said that could be done and would be sending his report by the end of the week to both PCT and GP. And to chase them up in 10 days to make sure it was being put through.

Managed to finish my Poster for B.yoU too today.

Tomorrow, on the carry on with a very positive week, I am going to face Manchester City Council and actually get some answers and things made. It has been a very long time since they spoke to me, so time something was done.

I am a fighter!

And I am actually happy!

Decisions of a thoughtful mind.

This is the next stage in the blogs examining my life as it is.

So I have talked about how I got to this stage in my life over 3 blogs. Now it seems logical to talk about what I want to achieve over the next years.

The first thing I guess is to transition completely to female. I have spent a lot of time thinking this over and will always remain somewhat genderqueerish, but I know in my heart that I need to change this male body to something more to female, what I need it to be. I plan to do this via the NHS, but that might change if it has to and I have the money to go private, in the future.

I am re-enrolling to University. This time to actually follow the original dream, to become a nurse. I used to always want to be a doctor/nurse when I was younger, and as such training to become one actually feels right. I have dabbled and thought about other things but I should pursue my original dream. It feels right and I am sorting out the application as soon as I can, even if if means I have a year to wait till I can start the course. This can only actually be a good thing, gives me chance to begin my transition and to get some practical healthcare experience, either volunteering at a care home or hospital or if I am lucky managing to pick up a job as a healthcare assistant. Or preferably both.

It might just be a dream, but I have always wanted to be a published author. I enjoy the challenge of writing. But I have thought, why not write about what I know? Which for me is Warhammer or 40K. I have read a lot, played a lot of games and to a point been absorbed by the back ground and stories of both game systems. So the fangirl in me says, write a short story and see if the Black Library, Games Workshops publishing wing, will publish it. It might be a dream but I am slowly trying to make it a reality.

I guess I want to learn how to drive. This is something I have put off for a number of years if I am honest. Mainly because Males have to pay an extortionate amount on their insurance under 22, but also because I haven't had the money. But I plan to get my arse in gear and begin to learn, because it for one will give me freedom to travel about, and means that I can see my friends a lot more often too.

There are plenty of challenges a head, but I am going to tackle them one by one. I know that there are things in my past that will affect my future but I will and can do my best to over come them. I am patient and determined to see and make a better life for myself, to improve and evolve beyond the cage of society and even the flesh I am born into, as is the case.

Mutation is merely a word used to describe jealousy over an adaptation.

Thoughts of a wandering mind. The Final Act

Have you ever thought, in a moment of life why and how exactly you got to the point you got to? The events and actions, the choices and decisions, the environment and experiences that have shaped both your mind and body. The little things and the big things. I have been kind of thinking about this for sometime now.

So as this is going to be coming up soon, I guess I will talk about Gender Dysphoria.

For me it started early. I think. My mind isn’t clear and time is a concept beyond my grasp. Events emerge in an unchronological order. But I have small memories of cross dressing (or should that be wearing the right gendered clothes?) when I was about 6/7 years old. All most all my friends at this time were girls, and yes I got bullied for that. Still I feel like that was the last time I was completely happy. So yeah wearing girls clothes. Then I can recall having it beaten into me, literally, that I was a little boy and should behave as one. Even know I tend to sit and be quite quiet and read most of the time. Or draw/paint etc.

When I was in high school I used to get small amounts of bus fair. I learnt quickly that I could sell things on and did that, the first time I really hung out with two guys really. We sold all sorts of crap. But the money well the money I earned was used to make some purchases of girls clothes and make up at one point…. So yeah I guess I fit the NHS model of Male to Female transgendered individual. Cross dressing and other things in private. That said puberty hit me late, like 16 and 17, after that I really descended into depression.

I guess growing up but never understanding why I felt the way I did was complicated. It wasn’t until I turned 20 that I started trying to understand transgenderism and for that matter sexuality too. I never really found anyone attractive at school. Mainly because St Helens was rough as shit. And the one openly gay lad actually got shanked. So I repressed it all, neither fancying girls or guys. I was I guess a Blank. To some extent I still am, I get so little pleasure from sex, but I do from holding someone and foreplay I guess. And I do enjoy pleasuring someone else. So the term Demi-sexual springs to mind. Only half there most of the time.

I have experienced many unpleasant things with people who can’t respect peoples boundaries. Or there sexual identity. But maybe because of the abusive atmosphere I grew up in, I seek an element of abuse in a personal relationship. Fucked up I know. But I am naturally submissive, and to me that is am important part of being in a relationship. A safe level of abuse I guess. Mind I have an instinctive distrust of people, find being touched makes me feel scared. Ever the paradox I guess.

It is the same with friendships mind. I find it hard to deal with and trust other people, for any prolonged period of time. The fact that in the last 15 months I have made some wonderful friends is to a degree a miracle in itself. I will admit it, I am scared and fear people. Part of me always will do so too.

So there we have it, everything I have been thinking about for the last few weeks, laid out for all to see and for some to try and understand it.

Sometimes it is right to hide things from people, to take up the cloak and dagger, because only in secrecy can a truth be revealed.

Thoughts of a wandering mind. Part two.

Have you ever thought, in a moment of life why and how exactly you got to the point you got to? The events and actions, the choices and decisions, the environment and experiences that have shaped both your mind and body. The little things and the big things. I have been kind of thinking about this for sometime now.

I have been thinking of how I managed to develop into this person I am. The last 5 years have been highly intense to say the least. It has taken me 5 years to even managed to talk about losing a friends to suicide. I guess for the best part of 5 years I have been slowly falling apart. All that is left now are the bare bones of who and what I am.

I am female. Yet male bodied.
I am 22 years and 6 months of age.
I am a diabetic.
I suffer with intense bouts of depression.

These are things that could be considered fact.

Other things could well be considered. Such as the people one has as friends. I have a few, but they are close and so incredible, each and everyone. Family I guess is another thing. My family is far from perfect. My Mum is at times really transphobic, at others really accepting. She is the strongest person I know. My step dad, is difficult to get on with, but he truly makes the effort. And lets face it, how many people can come in and be a father figure to 4 highly dysfunctional children and stick it out as we became even more dysfunctional and weird teenagers.

I am blessed, or in fact cursed with having many siblings. 4 that are close, 4 step siblings and many half-siblings. I have no contact with either the step or half-siblings. My older brother Kel, has some major issues of his own, largely mental health ones. My sister is much the same as Kel. But I know that with out them I wouldn't be the person I am now, or for that matter I might not be here now. My younger brother is a pain in the arse. ODD, homophobic and a Chav. I doubt he will grow up or ever except what I am. I have no doubts that he understands it. All 4 of us have some level of Dysphoria, for those three it is Body Dysphoria, for me Gender. My youngest brother is as far removed from the 4 of us as possible, he doesn't have the same preceding SpLD that run with all four of us. Clearly father wasn't genetically sound.

So like some of you will know that I have done many years of Education and moved about the country a lot. I have lived in more towns than I care to remember. And as such have been to many different schools and colleges. I guess valuable life experience, but little else. And I have little to show for all of this moving about. Two Scottish highers, one in Human Bio the other in Psychology. Both at C grade. I also have Two As levels Chemistry and General Studies, both at E and two A2s at E in Law and Biology. I did half a balancing semester at Bolton Uni. It was frankly a lot of bollox.

I guess I am trying to work out how I got to this point in my life, the things I can change and the things that I can't, well easily change.

I am hopefully going to be getting my referral at long last this coming week, and my deed poll. I am making that changes that I need to make in my life to be who I need to be. But there is more than just physical changes I need to make. I need to sort it out, and get enrolled for Uni. I do plan to go to Sheffield Holme. I want to do nursing, but I know I have to wait till next September to start it. This should give me adequate time to get some relevant experience in the field, and to enrol on St John's Ambulance. I am determined to do so, and to hopefully begin to transition as much as I can over the next year.

Sometimes you have to step back and look at the bigger picture so that you can see the areas that you need to improve upon.

Stressed

I keep getting migraines.
Or I have had the same one all week.
It has made me feel ill, and it is causing me to trangst like a lot.

I feel really off, I had to move quickly last night, because I felt the need to be sick, so I ended up having to run to the nearest place. Luckily I wasn't then.

But maybe it was the stress of lack of sleep, I got worse and ended up being rather ill all morning. Just my luck really.

Anyway, I am beginning to feel very much alone.
I haven't seen the people I get on with in a number of weeks, and it is beginning to grate on my mind and stuff. Doesn't help with two of my best friends being on holiday so I can't even talk to them easily. I don't know.

Everything seemed so good on Sunday, now it has changed, for the worse. Distancing myself maybe? Or maybe a little fear of things that I am unsure of.

Don't really know yet.

To travel in darkness is to travel in mystery and in uncertainty.

Thoughts of a wandering mind.

Have you ever thought, in a moment of life why and how exactly you got to the point you got to? The events and actions, the choices and decisions, the environment and experiences that have shaped both your mind and body. The little things and the big things. I have been kind of thinking it for sometime now.

Coulrophobia, a fear of clowns is such an example. When I was three I didn't sleep well. My biological father thought it would be a good idea for me to sit and watch the film IT. I have been scared of clowns ever since.

When I was 8/9, like everyone, I did swimming lessons like everyone. Unlike everyone I nearly drown. I was laughed at by the teacher and other pupils because the lifeguard actually had to save me. I refused to ever swim again and have become hydrophobic since.

At some point in my early childhood I was attacked by a large dog. Can't remember when but I used to have faint scaring on my left leg. Still very scared of big dogs, they make me panic a lot. So you guessed it I am rather cynophobic.

It isn't all bad things mind. There have been some good experiences, like passing my GCSEs and stuff. Meeting some incredible people young and old. But it is like the negatives have shaped my life a lot more.

My biological father was a physically abusive man. His parents where as well. Particularly towards me, out of the four of us, and not nice to my young brother either, but then he has always exhibited signs of Oppositional Defiant Disorder. My I have always been diabetic, dyspraxic and have had other issues. All four of us do, but it isn't so clear with Kel or Charl. But with me it can be picked upon a lot. I feel this is part of the reason I had a hard time with that side of the family. Because they aren't and never will be my family.

Bullying does seem to stalk me a lot mind. Had it since I started school from pupil and teacher. Senior school was a harsh time for me. I got beat up, called names and generally my life was made to feel rubbish and worthless. Which is why I am proud of the 4 Bs, 2 Cs and 4 Ds I came out with 6 years ago.

Moving about the country has had a few benefits. I have met and lost some wonderful people. But I have had a chance to see and experience many things. Mind the bullying has always followed me, physical, verbal, and just about everything else, including for being English. I have dealt with depression under all of this. Since I was 8. When that teacher called me pathetic for nearly drowning...

I have only recently discovered that the underlying dysphoria I have felt for so long is related largely to gender. I have tried so hard to be a man, but it isn't what I am. I know this now. 22 years after I was born. I have put myself through a lot, and fate has decided that I should experience even more. Janet said to me, you have been through fucking shit, you have had it hard. Same for all 15 of the counsellors I have done many sessions with. Why? Sure I have had difficult parts, but I don't think I have had it any worse than anyone else.

I am trans yes. But that isn't why I find it so hard to cope. I just know that I need some help to correct what I am is all. I have experienced some horrible things, but so have many many others. People have to work through things to get better yeah? I will admit I have had it rough, abuse, losing a wonderful friend to suicide, sexual assault, constant and to this day bullying, periods of intense stress and loneliness and a massive lack of stability, because Mum has been running for so long. But I have worked through it, a little battered and bruised maybe. But my heart still beats and I still stand strong, a bit with support of friends at last.

Is it any wonder that a person who has experienced a lot of hardship and negativity is both dysfunctional and a little paranoid at times?

A heart that hurts is a heart that works. A mind that can grow in darkness, can work through any hardship.